I’ve been known to send my Christmas letter in Spring or Summer, so I suppose it’s fine to share my thoughts on 2020 in March.  It’s a win in my battle against perfectionism—yay me.

Looking back on the year gives us perspective and reminds us where we’ve had victories and losses and what we’ve learned from them.  Then we can go forward in faith, recognizing that we aren’t perfect yet, the world isn’t what we want it to be, and God is still good and glorious and full of grace.

I just read in my scriptures, “…to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.” (2 Nephi 9:39) It’s so easy to be “carnally-minded” and think about all the things that didn’t go well last year.  It does feel like death when I do that.  And I do.  Too much.  I get dragged down, just like Satan wants me to, by dwelling on the sad, difficult, downright rotten stuff that went on, and that is still going on, in the world, in our country, and in our neighborhoods and families.  When I let myself be carnally-minded, I don’t function well.  I don’t write or lift others or feel the Spirit the way I do when I remember and work at being spiritually-minded. Then I remember to rely on the arm of the Lord, to trust His plan, His strength, and His mercy, and let go of fear and discouragement.   

Near the end of 2020, I was feeling burdened and sad about my perceived lack of sacrifices and contributions for the Lord.  I had been going through a rough patch and struggling to get through each day.  I wasn’t doing much.  I spent a lot of time doing quiet activities at home, like puzzles, crocheting, and reading, trying to keep my anxiety and sadness under control. I was working with my counselor, attempting to understand and believe it was okay to be in a different place than I’ve been before, in regard to serving in the church, serving family, and serving others, in general.

I prayed about this, pondered it, asked the Lord to help me see myself as I really am now, and as He sees me.  He answered my prayer in His loving and merciful way by prompting me to look back at my calendar “list” of things I’ve done throughout the year. 

• The early part of the year, I walked beside my beloved mother as she prepared to be with God again. I spent my time mostly with her, taking care of her physical needs, visiting, doing some small projects together, and just quietly being there for her. I was holding her as she died peacefully, in my home. My sisters and I worked and cried together during this sad time. 

• In the spring, not long after Mom left us, I packed up our home of 25 years, and, with help from family and the Lord, moved my daughter, son, and I to a new home across town right when covid 19 shutdowns began. 

• During the shutdowns, I traveled to California to help my daughter as she courageously brought her fourth baby into the world, visited my kids in Utah, celebrating with my son at his new first home, arranged a gathering of a few dear friends, which gave us all a much-needed boost, and took my youngest kids with me for a wonderful, healing visit with my son and his sweet family in Portland.

• As summer crawled by, I spent dozens of hours on a video presentation of the lives of my Mom and Dad, feeling them close, and taking time to grieve.

• In the fall, I arranged a family gathering with all of my children, and their families, who hadn’t all been together in three years. Among joy, chaos, and hilarity, there were also tears at our private memorial for Mom and Dad, with grandchildren’s memories, the video presentation, and beautiful piano music from my son. 

• Throughout the year, I wrote 29 blog posts, sharing my testimony and hope, and helped my children through difficult health issues, trauma, disappointment and heartbreak simply by being there and loving them with all my aching heart.

As I read over the list, and revisited the meaningful events throughout 2020, I was taught and comforted by the Spirit.  Though I had struggled, needed down time, and felt unequal to many tasks, the year had still held achievements, sacrifices, and service for those I love. I’m thankful for a merciful Father who hears my prayers and gently helps me see through spiritual eyes.

“In a world of turmoil and uncertainty, it is more important than ever to make our families the center of our lives and the top of our priorities. Families lie at the center of our Heavenly Father’s plan.” L. Tom Perry

It started with my son, his wife, and his 2-year-old little boy coming for a visit in October, since holidays are way too messy a time to travel and everyone always ends up sick.  They live the farthest, and we don’t get to see them as often as we’d like, but we do our best. Three of my children live here, and since two others live less than six hours away, they decided to come, as well.  My oldest daughter, and her family of 6, who live the farthest, hadn’t met their new nephew/cousin yet, so they wanted to come and join the fun, too.  The last time we had all been together was at my daughter’s wedding in October of 2017. There were two grands and two on the way, at that time.  Now there are five!

I knew with everything going on in all their lives, and the craziness of life, in general, during a pandemic and an election year, the chances of everyone making it here, with fairly short notice, was slim, but I didn’t let thoughts of failure intrude on my plans.  I jumped in and rented a big house with fun activities inside, like a foosball table and a pool table, and a big heated pool in the backyard.  Then I prayed.  I prayed everyone would stay well.  I prayed the travel plans would work out and everyone would be safe.  I prayed we could be together and celebrate our love for each other.  I’m truly thankful to say my prayers were answered!

We staggered comings and goings, making sure we had a couple of days where everyone would be here at the same time.  The only family member who wasn’t able to join us was my middle daughter’s husband, who was out of the country on an assignment with the military.  He was supposed to be home by then, but was delayed, much to our disappointment.  My sisters were able to see the kids, as well, and get lots of hugs.

Though family gatherings can be chaotic, everything doesn’t go as planned, and feelings can be sensitive around those we love the most and who, therefore, may hurt us the easiest, I felt this was our most successful gathering to date.  There was much joy and laughter, conversations and cuddles, and Jackbox game-playing hilarity. The grandchildren had a great time with their little cousin and with all the aunts and uncles who doted on them and taught them new games, which may have involved running around a pool table.  I joined in on one of these rounds, as my grandson said he wanted me to go after him so he could beat me.  Then when both he and his dad were out before me (yes!), he laughingly asked his dad how he “let an old granny beat you.”  I love that kid.

All the females in the group wanted to hold the baby—the most smiley 4-month-old in the world. She brought joy to anyone who needed a little. The two almost-3-year-olds became sweet buddies, and the big boys enjoyed hanging out with my big “kids,” mostly in the pool with a giant unicorn.

One evening we all gathered at my home to celebrate the lives of my mom and dad.  We had a slideshow presentation that I’d worked on forever, “Alan and Jackie, A Love Story.”  I sat between my dear sister and my youngest daughter. I held tightly to my sister’s hand and felt the gentle comfort of my daughter’s hand on my other arm as tears ran down my cheeks.  I loved hearing the laughter and the sniffles of my loved ones, as they watched and were reminded of the wonderful grandparents with which they’d been blessed. During the slow country music of the “Dad and Dearie Face” section, my little granddaughter got up with her small lamb snuggle toy, held it out at arm’s length with both hands, and began twirling around to the music.  So, so sweet. My son then played his beautiful piano arrangement of “If We Hold on Together,” which he dedicated to his Gramma.

Afterwards, family members gave lots of hugs to the tearful ones and then goofed off taking lots of fun photos (even though the lighting wasn’t perfect, and mascara had run). Trying to get a photo of the grands, when the little guy had fallen asleep and the baby was tired from all the commotion, was a bit sad, but mostly funny.  Throw a Gran in, and it’s even funnier. It was such a happy time, all together.

When it was time to say good-bye, and one-by-one they all returned home, I was more thankful than ever for the two people who live here with me every day. It’s sad for me to be far away from some of my children. I wish we all lived on a giant cul-de-sac and shared babysitting, meal prep, jam sessions, and game-playing often. These are the people I adore with all my heart.

When we’re all together, I’m reminded how precious a gift it is to know that families can be together forever. Everything of true value, I’ve learned through the experiences in my family, good or bad, sweet or sad, joyful or painful.  Every single part of being in this wonderful, fun, crazy family has made me a better person.  I’m awed by the wisdom and loving-kindness of our Heavenly Father’s plan.  Homes are the perfect place, and families are the best people, to teach us how to become like our Savior. 

“This is part of the miracle of Heavenly Father’s plan. He wants His children to come to earth, following the eternal pattern of families that exists in heaven. Families are the basic organizational unit of the eternal realms, and so He intends for them also to be the basic unit on earth. Though earthly families are far from perfect, they give God’s children the best chance to be welcomed to the world with the only love on earth that comes close to what we felt in heaven—parental love.

“…I testify that God the Father wants His children home again, in families and in glory.” Henry B. Eyring

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows…” Isaiah 53:4

Is there anyone who isn’t feeling the heaviness of the times pulling them down? We see health scares, political polarity, economic trouble, unrest and unkindness everywhere we look. It seems we’re all traveling this path together, yet separately, as well. It’s a little harder to bear one another’s burdens when we are somewhat isolated and when we’re having trouble carrying our own. My list of people who are hurting and need help and prayers gets longer each day. It hurts my heart to see those I love wrestle with their challenges, even as I struggle to get through each day myself.

Sometimes it’s too heavy to carry. I find I simply can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. I’m not wise enough. The weight of fear and sorrow usually gets unbearable before I remember that it’s not my job to carry it at all.  Any of it. This week I came to that point and took the time to place myself and every single one of the people I love, along with the worries and cares and sorrows we each bear, into the loving, trustworthy, capable, and outstretched hands of our Savior, Jesus Christ. He is strong enough. He is wise enough. He wants me to give them all to Him. He waits patiently for me to remember He’s right there, ready to carry it for me and for all His precious children.

“[Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Now all I have to do is keep trusting, keep believing, and remember not to take them all back.

The lyrics of this beautiful hymn are a tender reminder to do just that.

How gentle God’s commands!
How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord

And trust his constant care.  

Beneath his watchful eye,
His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up
Shall guard his children well.

Why should this anxious load
Press down your weary mind?
Haste to your Heav’nly Father’s throne
And sweet refreshment find.

His goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I’ll drop my burden at his feet
And bear a song away.

(Philip Doddridge)

“You have nothing in this world more precious than your children.” Gordon B. Hinckley

We were blessed to have a visit from my daughter and her family this week. She and her husband and their four young children were on their way home from an extended stay in a cooler summer climate, and more “open” environment, and we enjoyed a couple of days with them. I soaked in the baby snuggles, childish squeals, game playing, and family church. How I miss having small children in my home; they vibrate with energy, joy and innocence. 

“As the world grows ever more threatening, the powers of heaven draw ever closer to families and parents.” Boyd K. Packer

Each morning my two-year-old granddaughter joined me in my room to play with the baby (doll) stuff.  She was happy for hours laying her babies on the blankets, tucking them in my bed, changing their clothes, and giving them bottles. I could listen to her bright and cheerful toddler voice all day long. Whenever I helped or gave her anything, she quickly responded, “That’s so nice!” or “Oh, thank you, Gran.” Sunday after church, she sang “I Will Walk with Jesus,” as she scurried about taking care of her babies. I felt such joy listening to her sweetly sing the comforting words of her favorite song to herself, “I will walk with Jesus, and He will walk with me.”  My mind travelled back to times when my children were little and I taught them to sing, “I Am a Child of God,” and “I’m Trying to be Like Jesus.” I was thankful for the reminder that I had given them the same gift my daughter is giving her children—a knowledge of their Savior and Friend, Jesus Christ. As I heard that beautiful, innocent little girl sing the words she loved, which made her so happy, I felt the Spirit remind me that those things learned in infancy stay with us all our lives.

“Teach your children when they are very young and small, and never quit. As long as they are in your home, let them be your primary interest… 

“The proverb spoken of old said, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.’” Gordon B. Hinckley

I also had the opportunity, rare and cherished, to sit with my daughter, my first born, and talk with her about life, change, and troubles. I loved hearing her plans, hopes, and struggles, and was thankful for someone to listen to mine, as well. At one point, as I shared with her, she gently counselled me not to let fear be my ruler. I saw her, then, as the wise woman, the friend, the sister in God’s family, that she is to me now. It humbled me and reminded me how blessed I am to have seven loving, talented people to forever be my best friends because my Heavenly Father sent them to my family, allowing me to be their mother. I love to help and serve my children, but each of them also does so many things for me to make my life happier and better.

They:

• Help me “lighten up” and “hug it out”
• Teach my youngest things I don’t know how to do
• Do the heavy lifting for me
• Help me feel safe
• Teach me how to use my computer and phone
• Come to my rescue
• Play my favorite songs on the piano
• Send me pictures and videos of the cute and funny things the grands do
• Pick me up at the airport
• Listen when I need to talk
• Sew quilts, do drawings, and loan stuff to us
• Play games with me
• Hold me when I cry
• Share inside jokes
• Text me when they arrive safely
• Snuggle on the couch and make popcorn

“The older we grow, the more precious our family becomes to us. We come to see more clearly that all of the wealth, honor, and positions of the world pale in significance when compared to the precious souls of our loved ones.” M. Russell Ballard

I often think of how my life would look if I didn’t have my two youngest with me.  They aren’t children anymore, but I love sharing my daily life with them here in our home. My youngest daughter has been my special companion from the day she was born, but having all grown siblings can get a little lonely for her. Since we’ve moved to our new house, we have felt like we’re still getting situated—still making it “home”. It’s cozy and beautiful, quiet and easy to keep clean.  There aren’t any little ones to make eternal messes; I remember those days. Since the actual move, when my daughter and son-in-law came to help us, and putting the house together, making it ours, my other children haven’t been here yet. I realized as my grandchildren came and made noise, left messes and fingerprints, and laughed and cried here, that our new house seemed to absorb those sounds, emotions, and living, making it feel more like home. The new memories of all my precious family have begun, and they will continue as the rest visit soon and as we have holidays and special occasions here, and my heart and my home will store them up and hold them dear.

“Most of what I know about how our Father in Heaven really feels about us, His children, I have learned from the way I feel about my wife and my children and their children. This I have learned at home.” Boyd K. Packer

I have a bit of OCD and find it soothing to go through everything I own about once every 3 months, sorting, organizing, and eliminating anything I don’t need or use.  I’d qualify for a platinum membership at Deseret Industries (thrift store donations), if they had one. I love the feeling of simplifying, paring down, and making room for future interests. Not all my family members appreciated this over the years, however, and more than once, I’ve been admonished, “Mom, stop giving everything away!” Once I accidentally donated all my college-age daughter’s dress clothes, which she had put into two big black trash bags for storage. After an unsuccessful attempt to find them at the local donation center, we gave up and had a good cry. I’ve also occasionally had to repurchase something I’d given away, but I feel that’s a small price to pay.

Since I’ve now been in my new home for over 3 months, and some of the placement of stuff was a little rushed in the beginning, I spent the week systematically going through everything, finding just the right locations to optimize space. I happily minimized significantly when I moved to nearly half the space, but I still managed to find plenty to donate to DI this time around. I know that seems weird to many people, and I admit it is sometimes a bit of an obsession, but it helps keep my mind clear and free of clutter, in some way.

During my cleaning-out process this week, I read a wonderful talk, “Consistent and Resilient Trust” by Elder L. Todd Budge, from the October 2019 General Conference, which I highly recommend. Elder Budge shares:

“In a paradoxical way, afflictions and sorrow prepare us to experience joy if we will trust in the Lord and His plan for us. This truth is beautifully expressed by a 13th-century poet: ‘Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.’

“…Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy.

“The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning—a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be ‘swallowed up in the joy of Christ.’ The Savior declared, ‘In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.’ His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.”

I was touched and comforted by these words and the picture they painted.  In the same way cleaning out my home clears my mind and makes room, my trials cleanse my soul, providing space for me to grow. I believe all of us have experienced an increase in afflictions and sorrow recently, and I’m thankful for messages like this one to remind us that hard things have a purpose, and because of our Dear Savior, we can hope for “far better things.” Let’s keep holding on to our hope in Him.

PS As I typed the title for this post, I left off the “S” accidentally.  It made me stop and think of the connection Elder Budge referred to between weeping, sweeping, and joy.

“Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together, and cultivating treasured memories.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

I had the blessing of visiting my son, his wife, and his little 2-year-old boy this week.  They live over 900 miles from me, and I don’t get to see them nearly as often as I’d like, but that makes our time together more precious. Adding to my joy was the chance to travel with my youngest son and daughter. My girl has been my traveling buddy for many years, but my boy doesn’t love traveling too much, so it was a rare treat to have them both with me. I was thankful for the company, too, as traveling at this time was more stressful than usual, and wearing a mask magnified all the discomforts of flying for me. It was definitely worth it, though, to see my son and daughter-in-law, and experience my grandson’s happy responses to having us all there, from shy smiles to friendly giggles, and hugs around the legs. He loved having us sit on the floor with him, often backing up, trustingly, to make himself comfy in a lap, and was quick to welcome my daughter by reaching over, grabbing the French fries off the counter, and dumping the last of them over her head. He never gave up trying to sneak the phones, earbuds, snacks, and game pieces we had, or trying to escape the safety gate, which was open and shut a hundred times more often with us there. Toddlers are terrific.

I enjoyed watching my son’s family interact, and even grow and change, in the short time we were there. My grandson decided to climb out of his crib for the first time, so emergency baby-proofing took up one morning. We were on distraction duty, as my son did the not-so-easy work of wrestling with the crib, adding locks to all the drawers and the three doors in his room, and stabilizing the dresser. With all that in place at naptime, we watched the baby monitor, in amusement, as the unflappable little guy quietly tried all the doors, played with a few toys, then finally conked out in the corner, leaning against his soft mini-chair, later shifting to knees on the floor with his head on the seat of the chair for a pillow. At bedtime that night, he turned on the closet light, which shone through the door slats, then dragged that same soft chair into his open toddler bed and slept on it in there, finally ending up on his own tiny pillow, clutching his blankie, by about 5:00am. It was such a tender reminder of how fast children grow and change, and the sweet and funny way they have of finding their way in new circumstances. I learned a good lesson from that youngster about accepting change without a big fuss and patiently figuring out how it can work for me.

While there, we mostly stayed in, spending our time together talking, playing games, sharing meals together, and laughing at my grandson’s antics.  The weather was beautiful, so we took a few walks, as well, chasing the tiny, constantly churning, legs of a busy little boy. Watching him, I felt amazed at how much love I feel for the sweet angels sent to my own children. Even when I don’t get to live close, and be a major part of their lives, they are constantly in my heart and their names in my prayers. I’m thankful for the connection of generations, of love, of family. I had a sweet opportunity to talk to my daughter-in-law about our temple covenants and sealings, reminding her that because of those, she is my daughter, and her baby is my grandson; they belong with us and are forever a part of our family, along with my son. The blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ are the most comforting, sweetest, most unifying gifts we have in this life. Knowing these people, I love so much, are sealed to me—can be mine through eternity—gives me the strength I need when we are apart.

“Covenant belonging is to make and keep solemn promises to God and each other through sacred ordinances that invite the power of godliness to be manifest in our lives…

“To belong with God and to walk with each other on His covenant path is to be blessed by covenant belonging…

“As we honor our covenants, we may sometimes feel we are in the company of angels. And we will be—those we love and who bless us on this side of the veil and those who love and bless us from the other side of the veil.” Gerrit W. Gong

It’s hard to say goodbye, even temporarily. While we’re together, life feels brighter, more hopeful, more joyful. I imagine eternity is full of moments like these, together, happy, encouraging one another, and lending support and strength.  I think of my parents and grandparents, who were loving, cherished people in my life, and who I still feel around me often. I want future generations, to think of me in the same way; I want to be there for them, if only in heart and spirit, when I can’t be there in person. I want them to feel my love for them and for the Lord. I’m thankful to have these treasured years with them now, and I love building those relationships one trip, one hug, one precious moment at a time.

“All of us are in the middle of an eternal family. Our role can be a turning point at which significant changes can occur in positive or negative ways. President Hinckley [said], “Never permit yourself to become a weak link in the chain of your generations.” Your faithfulness in the gospel will strengthen your family…

“It is never too late to look up to Jesus Christ. His arms are always open to you. There are generations before us and after us depending on us to follow Christ so that we can be an eternal family of God.” Yoon Hwan Choi

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” Doctrine and Covenants 64:33

Last weekend my daughter and I were invited to a small virtual fireside with the guest speaker David Archuleta, singer and songwriter, probably most known for his second-place achievement on “American Idol” and subsequent fame as a recording artist.  I found his story of faith and perseverance, despite his struggles with low self-esteem, anxiety, and health issues which affected his voice, motivating and comforting. I admired the strength he exhibited to leave behind his success, for two years, to serve the Lord on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, to share the gospel in Chile. I could empathize with many of his struggles and was astounded with all he’s been able to achieve. 

 As David shared some of his journey, after his feeling that he should audition for “American Idol,” as a 16 year old, despite his challenges, and the brutal schedule he survived during that time, I couldn’t help wonder at the incredibly individual nature of Heavenly Father’s plan for each of His children. My testimony was strengthened that no matter what physical or emotional challenges we have, or may endure in the future, Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and can use even our weaknesses to bless others, if we let Him.  With faith and courage to be who we really are, develop our unique talents and gifts, and live in a way that invites the Holy Ghost to lead us and teach us, we can each be an instrument in the hands of the Master Musician, to bring hope and comfort to those in need, and lead souls to Christ.

My daughter and I were touched, inspired, and encouraged by the message David shared. Because he is who he is and had been through what he’d been through, he’s able to reach so many people, especially youth, right now in this painfully difficult period of isolation and struggle during covid-19 restrictions.  Through his story, through his music, through his life of integrity and principal, he is a witness that we can conquer and succeed, no matter what our personal challenges are, with the Lord’s help.

I was thankful for this experience and the feelings and conversations it sparked. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with my own challenges and feel that I have little to offer. Though I’ve worked on understanding my value as a daughter of God, sometimes I still go back to looking for my value in what I accomplish and how much I serve. During this time of isolation from others, from serving in the church and in the temple, and after a release from long-term, and then intense, ministering to my mom, I’ve wrestled with discouragement and questions regarding my service, my consecration, to the Lord.

“Frequently it is the commonplace tasks … that have the greatest positive effect on the lives of others, as compared with the things that the world so often relates to greatness.” Howard W. Hunter

It’s so easy to think of all we can’t do, all we aren’t doing, and lose sight of what we are accomplishing, sometimes simply by carrying on, quietly, faithfully, one day at a time. The fireside helped me remember I am an influence for good, just like David, when I continue to live with faith and integrity, when it’s hard, when I feel like I can’t do it, when my service is simple and quiet in my own family. As a child of God, I know He has a plan for me, and will continue to guide and direct me—even when I’m weak, even after big changes, even during pandemics—because I matter to Him. Each of His children are precious to Him.

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

“And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord … bringeth about the salvation of many souls.” Alma 37:6-7

 As I ponder on this scripture, I feel the Spirit remind me that my small efforts do make a difference. A few simple ways I can serve Him:

• Share my testimony in my blog and through my actions
• Text, call, or mail a kind message
• Go help my daughter with her baby and visit and offer encouragement to my children, while receiving needed love and hope in return
• Strengthen family bonds through family history and my own personal history work
• Bolster my testimony through scripture study, inviting my family to join me
• Learn new skills and develop my talents
• Take care of myself and those I love, gaining strength for the work that surely is coming

It’s a weird and challenging time. I’m not sure that description will ever change again, but even if it doesn’t, I’m blessed with the gift of knowing Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me. If I want to serve Him, He’ll show me the way.  As I walk in the steps of Jesus, showing love and kindness, I pray He will magnify my tiny ray of light to bring a bit of His hope to a world in turmoil.

“Alma confirms for his son that indeed the pattern the Lord follows when we exercise faith in Him and follow His counsel in small and simple things is that He blesses us with small daily miracles, and over time, with marvelous works.” Steven C. Wheelwright

“But even more important than our gathering together is in whose name we do so. The Lord promised that even with the great number of His disciples on the earth today, He would be close to each of us. He said to His little band of disciples in 1829, ‘Verily, verily, I say unto you, … where two or three are gathered together in my name, … behold, there will I be in the midst of them—even so am I in the midst of you (D&C 6:32).’” Henry B. Eyring

With social restrictions during COVID-19, I’ve had a great deal of time to ponder on the blessings of gathering with people in my family, my circle of friends, those who share my beliefs, and for special events. After a couple of months of staying away from everyone and everything in the name of safety, this last month I’ve been able to spend precious time with my family members, far and near, to celebrate and snuggle my daughter’s new baby girl, to worship together, to see my son’s beautiful, new, first home, and to simply be together enjoying conversations, games, meals, and laughter.

This week, I also had the wonderful opportunity to meet with a few dear friends, while I was visiting my children. As five sisters in the gospel gathered together to share the happenings of the last months, I was reminded of the strength I receive simply from being in the presence of courageous, loving friends, who listen compassionately, mourn and rejoice with me, and love me in all my mess. In turn, listening to their trials and triumphs confirmed to me the incredible capacity we all have to endure, with the help of the Lord, and caused me to appreciate my own blessings and the troubles I’ve been spared. Gathering this way, knowing we were safe to share, safe to cry, safe to laugh, and safe to bear testimony, healed a broken place in my soul and bolstered my courage to face another day, another week, another year in what has become a confusing and often discouraging world.

I’m thankful for these opportunities to be together once again, though I’m still missing gathering for church. I’m thankful for the Lord’s instruction, prior to this pandemic, to more fully make our homes the center of our gospel learning, with church as our support. Besides the time I have with my daughter still at home, in the last few months, I’ve had the opportunity to gather with two of my children’s families and have church services in their homes, with the sacrament worthily blessed and passed by my daughters’ husbands.  Those shared moments of worshiping together were sweet experiences I’ll always cherish. Though we‘ve had many spiritually strengthening discussions and experiences, I’ve missed the support of church, of my ward family, more than I imagined I would. I thought it would be a nice break to only have church at home, and in some ways it has been, but I’ve come to appreciate the support of church gathering more than ever before. 

“I believe something powerful happens anytime we gather as God’s covenant people anywhere in the world, no matter how many people the gathering may include. That power can be difficult to describe, but perhaps these words of the Savior explain it best: ‘Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them’ (Matt 18:20).’

“Our Father in Heaven wants to gather us because there is great strength and safety in gathering…

“The adversary, on the other hand, seeks to isolate us and divide us, because just as gathering brings strength and safety, division brings weakness and danger.”  Stephen W. Owen

We’re incredibly blessed to have technology to allow virtual gathering with family, friends, and saints, but I’ve missed meeting for church, for worship, singing, bearing testimony, and simply feeling the Spirit that’s present when many gather together in the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior. I’ve been surprised, honestly, at the degree of loss I’ve felt and my longing to return to regular church meetings.  I suffer from anxiety, and attending church has never been easy for me, but I have a treasured testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and His restored church on the earth today, and I know I need the cleansing and renewal of the sacrament, so I go.  I’ve taken all my children, every week I was physically able and didn’t have sick babies to care for. I’ve gone after people have said or done dumb things that hurt me or one of my children, when I had to use a walker after surgery, when I had to listen to grumbling teenagers, after tragedies and losses, and even during the nearly unbearable time after my divorce, though occasionally I couldn’t make it all the way through. I’ve given myself pep talks, gotten myself (and sometimes many children) up and ready, and been there in the pew, week after week for over 40 years.

What I’ve come to realize, during this time of restriction, are the blessings I’ve received for my effort, my small sacrifice, to always get to church, even though it’s hard.

• I’ve been comforted by loving smiles, hugs, and handshakes of sweet, familiar friends.
• I’ve been inspired by the prayerfully prepared words of speakers and teachers.
• I’ve been strengthened and uplifted by shared prayers, testimony, and experiences of faith and hope.
• I’ve felt my soul draw close to Heaven as I’ve sung beautiful hymns of worship with my ward family and friends in the choir.
• Most importantly, I’ve renewed my covenants and been promised the Lord’s Spirit as I’ve taken the sacrament .

I miss it all—more than I thought possible. When it’s time to go back, I know it will be challenging, with masks covering the smiles of people I’ve yet to meet in my new ward, no socializing, no singing. It breaks my heart a little. Staying home this long also increases the anxiety of going back, but I’ll be there, committed to appreciating the gifts of gathering more than ever. Until then, I know the Lord will be with us as we gather in faith, even just two of us, to worship Him.

“…Consider the great blessings that come from gathering frequently with other Saints. Moroni said of those who were baptized in his day:

They were numbered among the people of the church of Christ; and their names were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually watchful unto prayer, relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith.

And the church did meet together oft, to fast and to pray, and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls.

And they did meet together oft to partake of bread and wine, in remembrance of the Lord Jesus (Moroni 6:4-6).”  Stephen W. Owen

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” identifies building blocks that form the foundation of eternal families: “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

I continue to miss my mom and reminisce about the near and distant past. Mom worked hard when I was younger, and I missed having her at home. I imagine one of the reasons I love the beach so much is because it was the one place we all went together every summer, and mom was with us all the time, relaxed and happy.  We lived in California, so the drive was only a little over an hour, and on the way there, we used to see who could spot the water first, feeling so much anticipation as we sang and played games in the car. I still feel that same sweet anticipation whenever I head for the coast.

We stayed at many different condos, but one we returned to several times was right on the sand.  We just climbed up three steps and were on the beach. We could run back and forth to use the bathroom, grab lunch or more snacks, or change our clothes. Mom and Grandma worked out the menu ahead of time, which always featured tacos and chili, and the first thing we did was go grocery shopping, including lots of special snacks and sodas. The beach is the only place I ever drank black cherry soda. During the week, we’d make sure to visit Rusty’s Pizza Parlor and Foster’s Freeze (Dad’s favorite).

I loved everything about that time together. I remember the grainy sand between my toes and the way it sounded as it scratched under our flip flops as we headed out with Dad or Grandpa for a walk to The Spot, a hamburger place just down the street, for lunch. I loved the ocean and swam all day, often with my sister, as Mom and Grandpa watched from the sand. My favorite was when Dad occasionally came in with us, showing us how to catch the waves, though I learned later that he barely tolerated the freezing water, which I relate to now. Grandpa was always up for a walk along the beach up to “the point,” where we often found a tide pool of amazing little creatures, and Dad played frisbee and other ball-catching games with us down by the water and was a great sandcastle architect.  

After a fun day in the sun, sand, and water, we cleaned up (we always had to remove tar from our feet with baby oil), ate dinner together, and played games, usually cards. It was so much fun. Sometimes at night, after showers, we’d find places on our skin that were sunburned and sensitive. I find myself smiling while I type these memories. Those trips increased my sense of belonging in my family, my feelings of love and security. They are the happiest times of my childhood and are always present in my heart when I go back.

“Build family traditions. Plan and carry out meaningful vacations together, considering our children’s needs, talents, and abilities. Help them create happy memories, improve their talents, and build their feelings of self-worth.” Robert D. Hales

The beach will always remind me of Mom and Dad. Throughout her whole life, Mom’s special place was Carpinteria. I imagine, like me, she carried sweet memories of her own family, who also spent summers there in her childhood. I know she felt especially close to her dad there. The salty beach breezes, the warm sunshine, and the sights and sounds of the waves rushing in and out transported Mom to a relaxed, joyful place, away from her worries and cares. Dad took his sweetheart every year, no matter the sacrifice. After he died, my sisters and I took over getting Mom to her annual beach trip.  She began staying for a whole month, soaking in all the peace and joy she could to last throughout the rest of the year.

We loved seeing the positive change that came over Mom at the beach and cherished the time we spent with her there, as we became her companions so she could still safely go. There was the occasional grumble, and greater appreciation for Dad, because she wasn’t a light packer, and we filled up the back of her SUV to the tippy top with all her stuff, including her cross-stitch paraphernalia and library books.  We also took her motorized scooter for her to get around. After she was all settled in, which took a day or two, she put on her hat each sunny day, loaded up the basket on her scooter, and navigated the short distance to the sand to set up her little place close to the sidewalk.  We reminded her often to be sure she always had her phone, and when she was alone, people were friendly and kind, offering her help if she needed it. Mom’s cousin, Pam, shared her love of the beach and was her beach buddy, especially in the last few years. Mom and Pam both had their last stay at the beach in September 2019; Pam died on Christmas Day and Mom only a few weeks later.   

Whenever I drove my mom to California, my heart got lighter and lighter as we approached the coast. I felt really close to Dad and also Grandpa and Grandma, who were a treasured part of the wonderful times spent there. I don’t know how it will feel to go back to Carpinteria this year.  My sisters and I will go together, which will be a first in our adult lives—we’ve always taken shifts, in the past, which allowed Mom a longer stay and gave us each special time just with her. I can’t imagine not having Mom with us, but, thankfully, I know from experience that she’ll be there in spirit, and she’ll be happy we’re together, remembering her and Dad and all the wonderful days we spent there.     

“Being part of a family is a great blessing. Your family can provide you with companionship and happiness, help you learn correct principles in a loving atmosphere, and help you prepare for eternal life.” For the Strength of Youth