“Before we were born, we lived in a family with our exalted and eternal Heavenly Father. He ordained a plan that enables us to advance and progress to become like Him. He did it out of love for us. The purpose of the plan was to allow us the privilege of living forever as our Heavenly Father lives. This gospel plan offered us a life of mortality in which we would be tested. A promise was given that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, if we obeyed the laws and priesthood ordinances of the gospel, we would have eternal life, the greatest of all His gifts.” Henry B. Eyring

Lately I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about our Heavenly Home. I’m certain we have one. We lived there before we came to earth, to get a body and gain experience, learn and be tested; and we’ll live there again after this life is over. When circumstances in my life are pushing me to my limits, I’m comforted by the promises in the scriptures about home—safe, loving home with Heavenly Parents and my brother, Jesus Christ.

“…Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body…are taken home to that God who gave them life.

“And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.” Alma 40:11-12

I’ve had sweet experiences in my life which strengthen my testimony of a life after this one, in Heavenly Father’s plan for His children. I’ve felt comfort, help, and messages of love from family members who have left this earth life. In the temple, I’ve felt my Grandpa’s acceptance of baptismal covenants and other ancestors’ gratitude for marriage sealings and other ordinances, performed by proxy. During special, sacred family moments, I’ve felt the presence of family members no longer with us. All my experiences with eternal family ties help me see death as a temporary, though heart wrenching, goodbye.

“When families are functioning as designed by God, the relationships found therein are the most valued of mortality. The plan of the Father is that family love and companionship will continue into the eternities. Being one in a family carries a great responsibility of caring, loving, lifting, and strengthening each member of the family so that all can righteously endure to the end in mortality and dwell together throughout eternity.” Robert D. Hales

On Christmas Day we lost my mom’s cousin, Pam, a dear friend, to cancer. She was Mom’s beach buddy and a funny, brave, optimistic example of living life to its fullest. We were sad to say goodbye, even temporarily.  It’s also my Dad’s and my Grandpa’s birthdays this week. I miss both of these loving gentlemen. Dad’s been gone almost 6 years, and I think of him all the time, especially since Mom is struggling with her health. I know he sees; he helps; he still loves us.

Mom has had back pain on and off for many years. She has arthritis and doesn’t get around much, and her back pain has been worsening with age. In the last couple of months, the pain increased, almost daily, until it was hard for her to move much at all. Our hearts hurt to see her suffering, as we all struggled to get her help and find answers. She had tests done, which showed some fine fractures and multiple small lesions in her back. One morning, while I was at the temple, and my sister was with Mom, she developed serious pain in her side. It was so intense, my sister had to call 911, and Mom went to the ER.  I was given a message at the temple and met them at the hospital, along with my other sister. The three of us sat together, impatiently waiting to be allowed to go in with Mom. It was a sad and frightening reminder of our journey with Dad, several years ago. The myriad of unknowns. The watching a loved one suffer. The deepening certainty that life was changing drastically for us all.  It was also a reminder of the strength and love of our family bond. The comfort that we weren’t alone in this. The knowledge that we were a team—a good team—and would do whatever had to be done, together.

After more scans, they found more lesions, including a large one on her liver. Her side pain eased, and with help to control pain, we were able to get her home, where she desperately wanted to be. The next step was a PET scan, to determine if the lesions were cancerous, as suspected, but because of her pain, and anxiety of enclosed spaces, the experience was frightening and miserable for all of us. We quickly, shockingly became aware that this was just the beginning of our fearful and difficult journey as we learned that Mom has stage IV cancer, in her colon, her liver, and her bones.

This is all new and sudden. We still have so many unanswered questions, most of which will remain unanswered. She’ll have a biopsy to determine the type of cancer, and we’ll learn a little more of what we’re facing, but largely, this is a walk through darkness, with only the light of our faith and hope to guide us.

“The fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ brings great comfort in stressing times of mortality. It brings light where there is darkness and a calming influence where there is turmoil. It gives eternal hope where there is mortal despair.” Robert D. Hales

In the days since the ER, our thoughts have turned to what matters most, with an eternal perspective that gives us such comfort and strength. I’m humbled and overwhelmed with love and gratitude as I feel the enormity of the gifts of our Savior, Jesus Christ—His atonement and resurrection—more deeply and personally. Because of Him, all goodbyes are temporary. He lives. He loves us. He will be our light.

“The knowledge and understanding of the doctrine that God lives and Jesus is the Christ and that we have an opportunity to be resurrected and live in the presence of God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, makes it possible to endure otherwise tragic events. This doctrine brings a brightness of hope into an otherwise dark and dreary world. It answers the simple questions of where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going.” Robert D. Hales

“Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.” John H. Groberg

I don’t know why some periods of time are darker, more difficult, than others.  Of course, sometimes there are obvious reasons, when something tragic or traumatic occurs.  For me, life’s ups and downs aren’t always caused by anything I can specifically identify but are simply part of the ebb and flow of life on earth. I’ve also found that grieving losses may also roll in and out, startling me with heartache where previously there was peace. Whatever the cause, in brighter times or in darker periods, one thing remains certain: I know Heavenly Father, my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost love me perfectly. They love each one of us wholly, completely. Even knowing that, it’s hard, day and in and day out, to fight the battle, and I was truly grateful this week as I was inundated with “love notes” from Heaven, to get me through.

“God is anxious to help us feel His love wherever we are…Only as we feel God’s love and fill our hearts with His love can we be truly happy.” John H. Groberg

“…Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things…and the most joyous to the soul.” 1 Nephi 11:22-23

I walk outside in the mornings when my daughter is in seminary. This week the weather cooled down just a teeny bit, and my early walk became a cool, refreshing message of the newness of changing seasons and God’s love given through the beauty of nature (even in Vegas). Like George Strait sings, “His fingerprints are everywhere.” I felt His love when I received a faith-filled card (in the mail even!) from a friend, lifting my heart and bolstering my courage. I saw Him in sweet texts from my children, comforting, caring words of dear sisters, and encouraging, loving messages from friends. He was there directing me to more tools and people, somewhat miraculously, who can help me along my journey of growth. Every single day I was given spiritual manna—enough—to get by, to keep fighting the good fight, and to feel love from Heaven, many times through angels here on earth.

“With Paul, I testify that nothing can ‘separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus.’ Even our sins, though they may separate us from His Spirit for a time, cannot separate us from the constancy and immediacy of His divine paternal love.” Kyle S. McKay

One of my favorite names for the Savior is The Good Shepherd.  When I think of Him in that light, I feel so cherished and tenderly cared for. He carries me; I feel it every day. He knows His sheep.  Each of us is constantly in His sight, watched over, nurtured. He knows when we’re hurt, sick, weary, or wandering a bit. He provides all the guidance and sustenance we need.  Always.    

“Perhaps your life’s circumstances have changed, and things you never thought possible now confront you? Our Savior assures us, whatever our circumstances, whoever we are, in the words of Isaiah: ‘He shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.’”  Gerrit W. Gong

I’m forever thankful to know, absolutely, that I’m loved by, and belong to, my Heavenly Family. I’m humbled by the power of that love, manifested through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. When nobody else can understand or be there to help, He’s there—in the music, in the sunshine, in the safe haven of home, in the soft whisper to our hearts that says we’re loved that much.

…Our Maker loves us and desires our happiness. In an incomparable manifestation of this divine love for us, he sent his Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ…

“We may begin to understand the depths of Christ’s love for us when we consider that he was willing to atone and suffer the pain for our sins, ‘which suffering caused [him], even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit.’” M. Russell Ballard

As I receive such tender mercies and evidence of this love, I want to share it with others. Those who touch my life with Heavenly love inspire me to reach out and do the same for others. Thank you. Thank you. Each precious manifestation of God’s love for me strengthens my desire to praise and honor Him. He lives! He loves us! I will always choose to follow Him.

“God our Father, Jesus, our Elder Brother and our Redeemer, and the Holy Ghost, the Testator, are perfect. They know us best and love us most and will not leave one thing undone for our eternal welfare. Should we not love them for it and honor them first?” Ezra Taft Benson

“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

“For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.” Doctrine & Covenants 18:10–11

I’ve always been blessed with great eyesight, but in the last few years my near vision has drastically gone south. It’s frustrating! I’m learning to carry reading glasses with me, risking looking like the granny I am, as I pull them out to read the hymnbook at church or the labels in the grocery store. However, I can’t wear glasses while shaping my eyebrows, so I have to use a magnifying mirror.  This week as I took out the mirror and tried to tweeze those eyebrows, I found I couldn’t see well enough.  I realized the mirror was smudgy with fingerprints, so I cleaned it up and voilá, I could see my face, all up close and personal.  I instantly regretted it.  Nobody old enough for granny glasses should closely examine her face. It can only lead to sorrow. It reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite old movies, “What’s Up Doc?” In a crazy chase around San Francisco, Ryan, who’s driving, says, “I can’t see.” Barbara takes his glasses to clean them, and he says, “Now I really can’t see.” She hands them back, and seeing the chaos in front of him, he groans, “Oh gosh, I can see!” and flings them out the window. Sometimes we’re better off not seeing as clearly.

When I examine myself, my thoughts and actions, it’s like I use a magnifying mirror to view my faults. They show up huge and defined, while my finer characteristics blur and shrink into the background. Nobody knows our shortcomings and weaknesses better than we do (despite what our children may think). We know and, if you’re like me, grieve over them, dwell on them, and magnify them, to our own detriment. We might even feel guilty for the weakness of dwelling on our weaknesses!

In 2 Nephi, chapter four, I love to read Nephi’s poetic praises, along with his mournful thoughts, which echo mine.

“Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

“And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” 2 Nephi 4:17-19

I admit I feel better knowing Nephi struggled with this, too.  At least I’m in good company.  However, before and after admitting his grief for his sins, Nephi praises and trusts the goodness of the Lord.  Isn’t that the reason we have those weaknesses to begin with?  To teach us humility, and patience in learning and growing, to turn our groaning hearts to The One who can change us and heal us?

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27

I used to think this meant my weaknesses would all turn to strengths. That would be really nice.  Now I believe that, whether or not the weakness itself becomes a strength, I am made stronger because of the weakness and my struggle with it.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ changes me, not necessarily my weakness.

I feel like most of the things I’m working on are about balance.  Balancing is much harder than just getting down to work on the hard stuff.  Balancing requires patience and wisdom, both of which can be scarce at times. For example, as a mother, I need to give my children the freedom to choose and learn from their mistakes, but I must also be firm about not allowing certain things. It’s difficult to know where those lines are.  I find myself constantly tipping the scales one way, then scrambling to the other side, trying to find just the right balance. This is how it is with weaknesses.  Sometimes I get so discouraged about my weaknesses that I’m ready to give up.  Other times, I’m zealously determined to conquer this thing or die trying.  The scale endlessly teeters back and forth.  What I need, for balance, is patience and wisdom to recognize small advances, forgiveness for the setbacks, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and continuing reliance on the Savior’s grace for this process of refining.  

“Don’t listen to the voices in your head—that may have been there from your childhood—that tell you you can’t change, you aren’t good enough, and you will fail yet again. Listen only to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit and ‘the pleasing word of God … which healeth the wounded soul’ that confirm your infinite worth and God’s loving reassurance that you can do it.

“When you are exhausted with life and feeling like you cannot see any good coming from all your efforts to live righteously, don’t give up. Don’t compromise your dreams and goals. Increase your faith that it is always worth waiting for the Lord’s timing.”

Jennifer Kearon, Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults, May 8, 2018

Many years ago, a friend gave me a beautiful picture of Christ with these words written underneath:

If only you could see yourself as I see you, you would know your infinite worth.

She knew my struggle with the magnifying mirror.  I still have that loving gift by my bed and I still wrestle with this, but I have improved. 

We climb uphill most of the time, aware of the dramatic distance between where we are and the summit.  It helps to occasionally stop, breathe in the beauty of the moment, and gaze back to see clearly how far we’ve come. We do make progress, though nearly imperceptible at times. That’s okay. We’re not in a race, we’re not alone, and we’re going to make it.

“You are of unlimited, boundless, endless worth to your Father in Heaven, the One who knows you best, no matter what anyone else might think or say about you. Just let the beauty and stillness of that truth weigh on your soul for a moment. You are ‘precious in [His] sight.’

“When someone hurts you, or you experience a failure of some kind, come to where you are never rejected and never ridiculed. Your Father in Heaven loves you, whoever you are, whatever you are struggling with. You are enough. You are enough. He loves you just the way you are, right here, right now, in all your beautiful messiness. But He also loves you enough not to let you stay the way you are right here, right now. He has much bigger plans for you! You are ‘heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ,’ and so you must continue to learn to keep the commandments, make mistakes, grow, struggle, and change, until you reach your divine potential, refined and purified—and some eternal day perfected—through the grace of Christ.” Jennifer Kearon