“Much that is good, much that is essential—even sometimes all that is necessary for now—can be achieved in less than ideal circumstances.” D. Todd Christofferson

The last month has been a difficult one. My sisters and I have faced some new challenges in the care of our mom.  Life can change so suddenly.  I was busy planning and preparing for our move, coming up in a few months, when I found myself needing to rearrange schedules, living spaces, and priorities to better watch over Mom. Sometimes life narrows down to a few necessities, and other interests and responsibilities have to be reorganized, delegated, or placed on the back burner for a time. During those times, it’s not easy to keep a clear perspective. We get tunnel vision; all we can see is what’s right in front of us, demanding our attention. Everything feels overwhelming, too much, more than our seemingly small capacity to handle. That’s when we need to ask the Lord to show us the bigger picture and let Him light our way in the darkness.

“All of us, at times in our lives, are completely overwhelmed by our life circumstance or by what we’re asked to do…as we’re consistent in doing the small and simple things, and as we’re trying to seek revelation and going through that work and that process, as we rely on Jesus Christ and His Grace…we will be made equal to those things that we’re being asked to do.” Michelle Craig

This morning, I opened my 2019 calendar and wrote down some of the highlights of the year. After this last month, I’ve found myself feeling like I’d had a rather hard year, but after going over my calendar, I was amazed at the stunning array of blessings and milestones I’d enjoyed (and survived) this year. In a moment, my perspective widened, and I was reminded that seasons change, life surprises us, and through it all, the Lord walks beside us and makes it all for our good.

2019 was filled with love from friends. One cherished friend set aside time to call every week to check in and share the week’s victories and vexations. While we spoke of family and faith, with tears both of heartbreak and laughter, we shouldered the weight of one another’s burdens and they became lighter. One Saturday morning, I was chauffeured to breakfast by loving friends, ministering to me and listening with open hearts. I enjoyed a fabulous girls’ weekend eating healthy food, talking, playing, and strengthening our spirits, with three wonderful, wise ladies. I spent time in the living room of a dear friend, a wonderful listener, who lifted me with her tender care. There have been countless texts, encouraging messages, hugs at church, Facebook comments of support and love, and even packages mailed, throughout the year, from friends who add sweetness to my life.

The year was also blessed by family time.  I spent time with every one of my children and grandchildren multiple times this year. I visited their homes, celebrated a baptism, offered and received help and comfort, shared hotel rooms and meals, received Priesthood blessings, squashed into cars for outings, welcomed them to bring noise, messes, and laughter to my home, went on temple trips, and met new loves.  I had a laughter-filled, many-times-postponed, sister trip, and was thrilled that both my daughter and my sister moved close to me again.

There were some epic milestones for me in 2019. I started my blog and wrote every single week the entire year. I successfully planned and executed my first long-anticipated, fondly-remembered DisneyWorld excursion with my youngest daughter, complete with Harry Potter World (after she read me the entire series), all four Disney parks, and an Orlando Airport debacle. I sold my well-loved, big, family home and purchased a new, smaller home not far away. I survived my youngest daughter’s ten days away with friends and her driving permit and lessons, including rush hour on Jones Boulevard. I achieved 100% debt-freeness! I fulfilled a dream, becoming a temple ordinance worker, which is even better than I imagined.

This year, my Christmas present, from my thoughtful children, was a big jar filled with slips of paper with happy or funny thoughts, memories, and pictures of my children and grands printed on them.  I’m supposed to pull one out each day for a smile. I cheat. Of course, I do! No way can I wait a whole year to open them all, plus I love reading them over and over. This precious gift is another reminder that, although life may become challenging, there is incredible love, light, and laughter too. The rough patches in life tend to hijack our thoughts, causing us to lose perspective; however, when we take the opportunity to see the bigger picture, blessings are everywhere, and love is abundant. Knowing I’m here to learn and grow, I cling to my covenants and cherished promises, trusting the Lord with my life and the lives of those I love.

“With an understanding of God’s plan of salvation, we know that the rejoicing, the striving, the suffering, the tutoring, and the enduring experiences of life all play their part in an intelligible process of helping us, if we will, to become, as the Savior beckoningly invited, ‘even as I am.’” Neal A. Maxwell

“It must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, … righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad.” 2 Nephi 2:11

Here in the desert, we’ve had some beautiful, warm, sunny days in November.  This week, the weather finally turned cold and rainy, and immediately I longed for warmth and sun again.  I’m always freezing. I love to sit out in the sun and feel it soak into my skin. The seat warmers (fabulous invention) in my car make early morning seminary drives bearable. Sometimes, I literally cannot get warm. Last year for my birthday, my kids gave me a Bedjet. If you’ve never heard of this amazing device, it’s a heater, with a sort of blow-dryer attachment, that you put between your fitted sheet and the rest of your covers. When you turn it on, it shoots billows of hot air into your bed, warming the sheets, and toasting your frozen feet. Seriously the best gift I ever received. For me, heat and cold are a vivid example of opposition.

We often think of opposition as a negative thing.  Whenever I have a powerful spiritual experience, I know serious opposition will follow. Super predictable. Likewise, however, when life seems to be bombing me with difficulties, I always have hope that the good stuff is there, too.  Often, in the midst of painful situations, I have to concentrate, open my eyes, and search a little, to recognize the blessings, but other times they pour down in torrents, so that I can hardly take them all in.

I suffered with prenatal depression, which sometimes continued after my babies were born. Life was just difficult and overwhelming to me during those times. Everything seemed too much. Too sad. Too scary. I gave everything I had to keep going, keep being a good mom, keep attending church, keep it together. After the birth of one of my children, the heaviness lingered especially long. I couldn’t remember, during that time, the feeling of joy. I wondered if I’d ever feel it again. I adored that precious baby. He was the sweet amid the bitter; holding him close brought me needed comfort and helped me know life was still good and beautiful. After many months, I remember feeling a moment of pure, brilliant joy. It was so unexpected; the power and beauty took my breath away.  In that moment, I understood better than I ever had, the gift of opposition. Without that darkness, I never could have appreciated the joy in the same way.

I love this picture of my daughter with her baby.  But the next one is what happened right after, when he spit up on her. The perfect illustrations of opposition. Still makes me laugh. 

“And it must needs be that the devil should tempt the children of men, or they could not be agents unto themselves; for if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet.” D&C 29:39

“…It is opposition that enables choice and it is the opportunity of making the right choices that leads to the growth that is the purpose of the Father’s plan.” Dallin H Oaks

I’ve made many mistakes in my life; I’ve failed, sinned, and hurt others. My deepest feelings of despair have come from regrets for poor choices and wishing, with all my heart, that I could take back what I’d done or said. On the other side of that agonizing coin, the sweetest, most joyful moments have come after such pain and regret, when I have repented and felt, so intimately and powerfully, the purifying and healing made possible by the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. At those times, I felt like Alma, who said, “My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity.  I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God.  My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.” (Mosiah 27:29)

Adam and Eve recognized the gift of opposition. They expressed their gratitude for the blessings that came as a result of the Fall:

“Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.

“And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.” Moses 5:10-11

Like Eve, sorrow for my own transgressions has increased the joy of my redemption, and my gratitude for The One who makes it possible. Though I’m often annoyed by the opposition I face, seemingly everywhere I turn these days, I’m grateful I can feel both sorrow and joy and learn from my own experience in choosing good or evil. I’m thankful for the sun after dark and cloudy days, children’s squeals and chatter after stretches of somber quiet, salty ocean breezes after dry dessert landscapes, peaceful calm after turmoil, and tight hugs after lonely separations. 

“For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift.” Doctrine and Covenants 88:33

As I look around and visit with other people, I find that everyone is going through difficult and painful experiences. Our challenges can be disheartening and frightening. It’s normal for the “natural man” in each of us to focus on the negative—it’s easy to find! Heavenly Father wants us to put off the natural man and be happy and hopeful.  Didn’t He send His only begotten Son so we could rejoice and be filled with hope? He also gave us the key to the door of happiness—a commandment to give thanks in all things. 

 “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind, and strength; and in the name of Jesus Christ thou shalt serve him.

“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Thou shalt not steal; neither commit adultery, nor kill, nor do anything like unto it.

“Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” D&C 59:5–7

I’m not suggesting we pretend we feel differently than we do. It’s important to acknowledge and work through pain and grief.  I’m also not referring to depression or mental illness, but rather habitual focus on the negative, which brings us down. For me, the challenge is to stop dwelling on the sadness in my own life and all around me.  I feel it pressing down on me.  Focusing on the painful parts of life steals my energy, my joy, and my hope. Those thoughts swirl around and around, pulling me deeper and deeper into the darkness. There are people who are sick, suffering, lonely, lost. There are circumstances that are scary and foreign. There are dreams and hearts that are dashed and broken. Mournful and fearful thoughts are powerful and stubborn.  They don’t want to give up their prime real estate in our brains.  We have to forcibly evict them by replacing them with thoughts of beauty and gratitude. There is always more grace than grief.

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8

Think on the good and beautiful things…because this doesn’t come easily to me, I have to intentionally practice it. Practicing takes time and patience, effort and focus. As I exercise the gratitude muscle, which I’ve found takes me from gloom and doom straight to happiness, it gets stronger. I simply cannot think negative thoughts while praising God for the gifts of my children, my grandchildren, my home, and my testimony. I can’t be sad while feeling thanks for beautiful moments on a warm sunny beach with a salty breeze blowing, or a comfy chair and cozy quilt beside a sparkling Christmas tree.

“There is a truism associated with all types of human strength: ‘Use it or lose it.’ When not used, muscles weaken, skills deteriorate, and faith disappears. President Thomas S. Monson, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles at the time, stated: ‘Think to thank. In these three words is the finest capsule course for a happy marriage, a formula for enduring friendship, and a pattern for personal happiness.’” James E. Faust

While working in the temple last week, I experienced overwhelming gratitude.  As I repeated the words describing the blessings we are promised in the ordinances there, I had trouble speaking for the lump in my throat. My eyes filled as I felt the immense love Heavenly Father has for each of His children. Like warm sunshine on a spring day, it shone down on me, filling me with light and joy. Neither my heart nor my mind had even a tiny space for darkness or negativity.

“And thou shalt rejoice in every good thing which the Lord thy God hath given unto thee, and unto thine house…” Deuteronomy 26:11

There are so many things to be thankful for. I tried to write down 1,000 things I was thankful for, but this is pretty tricky, not because there aren’t 1,000 things, but because they overlap and repeat with small variations and because after about 250, I couldn’t remember if I’d already written that one. So I write it again…and again. When I feel low, that list lifts me. It represents all the ways Heavenly Father shows His love for me.

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold rather a large amount of gratitude.” A. A. Milne

Along with the enormous blessings of faith and family, there are numberless small blessings that literally fill every nook and cranny of my life and heart. I love Mr. Putter, a character from the imagination of Cynthia Rylant, one of my favorite children’s authors. One long winter Mr. Putter decides to write a mystery novel, but after much procrastination and writer’s block, he chooses instead to write “Good Things.”  I decided to follow his example and share some of my good things.

• A hand to hold when I’m scared
• Rocking a sleeping baby in a quiet room
• A handmade quilt made just for me
• Popcorn and a favorite movie
• A facetime call from my grandson
• My own private piano concert
• A homecooked meal (not prepared by me!)
• Dad calling me “Darlin’” and Mom calling me “Hon”
• A cup of hot chocolate after Christmas caroling
• Silly moments with my teenager
• A loving and/or hilarious text from a sister or friend
• A cuddle puddle with the grands
• A big hug from one of my big boys
• Grace to get through a rough day

It makes me happy to type this list. I also had great fun reading Disney quotes about gratitude and attitude. There’s some helpful advice here. See if you know who said it. (Answers at the end.) If you have a great quote, share it in the comments! 

“Think of the happiest things…All it takes is faith and trust (oh…and dust). ”

“Just look at the world around you…what more are you looking for?”

“Whistle while you work…Hum a merry tune.”

“Don’t spend your time lookin’ around for something you want that can’t be found.”

“Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

I’m working out those gratitude muscles hoping I can be more like Winnie the Pooh (and less like Eeyore).“

“What day is it?” Asked Pooh.

““It’s today!” squeaked Piglet.

“My favorite day” said Pooh.

“Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious.

“We can be grateful!

“It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Quotes: Peter Pan, Sebastian, Snow White, Baloo, Mary Poppins

Spring time.  Conference time. Easter time. I love it all.  It amazes me how blessed we are with the knowledge of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the Plan of Happiness our Father designed for us.  It’s part of the good news of the gospel that we have a living prophet on the earth today who teaches us and tells us what the Lord wants us to know.  We have ancient prophets’ words in the scriptures and latter-day prophets to help us navigate our current crazy, scary world.  It’s a singular blessing of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

For me, watching General Conference is like paying tithing, in that the Lord opens the windows of Heaven and pours out blessings, that there is not room enough to receive it. The information and inspiration poured out in one weekend, may overflow our cup and overwhelm us. When I feel that way, I try to welcome the flood, capture all I can, and then slowly and thoughtfully, drink it in over the next few months, going over it again and again, reading, discussing, praying, and applying the messages.  

The year after my divorce, I came to Conference seeking help, healing, and wisdom.  Many messages seemed just for me. Later, I used my notes to compose this pledge for myself.  I read it often and it continues to be a strength and a guide for me.

I am not a victim, but a woman of faith.  I choose to repent of my mistakes, weaknesses, and sins, forgive those who have harmed me, and allow the Savior’s atonement to heal me and my loved ones so that we can be whole.

Today, and the rest of my life, I will keep my focus on Jesus, seeking and embracing joy amidst the sorrows, which I will endeavor to learn from, so that I may be more like my Savior.  I know I don’t walk alone.

I will share with others what I’ve learned from my experiences.  I will open my heart and cherish the wonderful relationships I’ve been blessed with and be grateful for countless blessings from my Heavenly Father.  I will pray more earnestly and sincerely, on my knees, to be blessed with the spiritual gifts I need, and to be taught and led by the Holy Ghost.  I will ask to feel Him more in my life, with a commitment to do what I feel inspired to do.  I will seek God’s will above my own and give my heart more fully to His will for me, trusting Him rather than “wrestling” with Him.

I will remember, especially during difficult times, that steady and sustained progress is enough, and that I can do this—with my Savior’s grace.  In gratitude for the precious gifts of the gospel He has given me, I will love and share and always press on, because God needs brave daughters.

For General Conference, I try to be as prepared as possible to receive what I need to know. I’m at a stage in life where I can attend the temple, take time to ponder what I need help with, and sit and quietly listen to the speakers.  It’s new, and wonderful, but the times of Conference with my big family surrounding me, are treasured memories, happily softened around the edges by time.  Here’s a glimpse, from the past, of my busy mom version of Conference preparation:

1. Monday—Before Family Night, spend the afternoon cutting out tiny pictures of all the Apostles and First Presidency. Realize it’s getting late and think (for an hour) about what really quick thing I could make for dinner. Listen to hungry, grumpy children while I crank out grilled cheese sandwiches. Play the apostles game while the kids whine, “How many more do we have to do,” and “What’s the treat?”
2. Tuesday—Conference tradition: Drag out all nine 72-hour kit backpacks and place them in the family room. Take out the old food items (what’s left after the kids have stolen the granola bars) and make a grocery list of items to replenish. Inventory the rest of the pack for missing socks, mittens, toilet paper, and Band-Aids used in other emergencies.
3. Wednesday—Add to the grocery list items needed to make fun food for Conference days; so the kids will think of it as a special weekend. Absolutely do not forget cheese balls and beef jerky! Also be sure to include treats—they help the kids concentrate and sit quietly. Count to ten before asking the kids to stop taking everything out of the 72-hour kits and blowing the whistles. Attempt to reroll the TP.
4. Thursday—Spend hours scouring the internet for fun Conference activities. Print, copy, and staple together a packet for each child. Feel really proud of myself. Clean up all the messes that somehow happened while I was accomplishing this amazing feat. Add new crayons and jigsaw puzzles to the shopping list.
5. Friday—Enlist the kids’ “help” getting the house clean for Conference. “Why? Is somebody coming over to watch with us?”  “No, but it’s easier to concentrate in a clean environment.” Tired and overwhelmed, go grocery shopping, mentally substituting easier “fun” meals, and decide to save the 72-hour kit stuff for next week, or month, or whenever.  At home, unload all the groceries myself, hiding the surprises in my closet.   Give in and pick up dinner even though I just bought $235.00 of groceries.
6. Saturday—Get up super early. Make individual snack bags for each child, so I don’t have to listen to fighting over who’s hogging the skittles. Rearrange all the furniture, set up the puzzle table, get out clipboards, packets, and crayons, and set out snack bags. Realize I didn’t get to the temple and feel a little defeated. Make the breakfast casserole and put it in the oven. Fifteen minutes before Conference, attempt to get the big kids up. Five minutes before, try again, mentioning food bribes. Two minutes before, turn on the TV and try to find the BYU password to login. Give up and make a new password. Sit down to listen to conference. Breathe deeply.  About an hour in, fall asleep while taking notes on my phone and accidentally erase them all.

Although, this seems amusing to me now, I was giving my all, at that time, to show my family how important General Conference was to me.  Over the years, there have been varying levels of success in attempts to make it just right, but the habit, the preparation, the tradition of sitting down together for Conference, because a prophet of God was going to speak to us, made an impact.  We made a place where the Spirit could be welcome and teach us. I try to always be home and ready for those special times—two of my favorite weekends of the year.

One year, my son was home alone during Conference because I went to help my daughter. He sent me this. 

“Of all the traditions we should cultivate within ourselves and our families, a ‘tradition of righteousness’ should be preeminent. Hallmarks of this tradition are an unwavering love for God and His Only Begotten Son, respect for prophets and priesthood power, a constant seeking of the Holy Spirit, and the discipline of discipleship which transforms believing into doing. A tradition of righteousness sets a pattern for living which draws children closer to parents, and both closer to God, and elevates obedience from a burden to a blessing.” Donald L. Hallstrom