“Change and decay in all around I see—O, Thou who changest not, abide with me.”

It’s hard to remember a time I wasn’t dealing with a great deal of change. It seems that change is something that’s always with us, in one form or another. I’ve occasionally wished I could have one change at a time, instead of navigating through a storm of changes all at once, but I don’t get to choose most of the timing. So here I am, in the middle of COVID 19 lockdown, moving my family to a new home across town.

I’ve been planning a move and looking at houses for years. Last November, the timing finally felt right, the place felt right, and, as I started the wheels in motion, everything fell into place quickly and easily. It was a miracle to me. It seemed a long-awaited dream of a smaller, more manageable home and a new start, with the opportunity to make new memories, and lay some others to rest, was finally coming true. On the very day I signed the contract for our new house, on the way home in my car, I received the news that my mom might have cancer. While my new house was being built, I was unexpectedly home caring for my mom, who did indeed have widespread and aggressive cancer, and trying to cope with the intensity and sadness of that reality.

There’s no way I ever would have imagined all that occurred in that small window of time.  Although some days, some moments, seemed like an eternity, the time was so short, and in a blink, it seemed, everything changed. I felt confused and disoriented. On one hand, I was the brave woman, filled with hope, planning and envisioning a new space and new opportunities; on the other, I was the overwhelmed caregiver, preparing to say goodbye to my mom for a very long time. My mom—who’d been with me since Dad died six years ago, who’d been nearby my entire life, who’d been a comforting, constant presence these last four years during my divorce and the mournful times that followed—wouldn’t be moving with us. She had her own new start coming. How had everything changed so quickly? From the first suspicion of cancer to a last goodbye, was less than 3 months. From the first possibility of moving, to the blessing of serving my mom for the last time, in all the change and uncertainty, the one constant was the help of the Lord. He was in the details. He never left me comfortless. He walked beside me and held me up when I didn’t think I could make it one more step.

“Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side; With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In ev’ry change He faithful will remain.” 

Here I am, now, sitting in my new home. After all the planning, the details, the packing, the worrying about how the business closures might affect moving, the physical and emotional toll of picking up every part of my life and transferring it to another place, we are here. The house is wonderful, beautiful, and clean, with a place for each of us, and a comfy gathering spot, as well. It’s a dream come true to have everything close—more compact—and…no stairs! This home—like our previous home—will be dedicated to the Lord, invite and welcome the Spirit, and serve as a refuge from a world in chaos. I’m filled with joy, knowing the Lord loves me and has been with me through it all.

“I need Thee every hour, Stay Thou nearby…I need Thee, O, I need Thee.”

It’s been a strange time to live and to relocate. It feels so isolated moving without knowing a soul in our new ward—our church family. We met a few people when we attended, as luck would have it, the week before church gathering was suspended. We cried at our front door, in the home we left, as members of our ward family, dear friends, drove by in a loving, social-distanced parade to wave goodbye, while my daughter’s friend sweetly sang to us on our porch. They’ve been our extended family for 25 years. Though they’re still only 20 minutes away, we feel a bit dislocated. Thankfully, we’re blessed to have a big, supportive family. We couldn’t have even accomplished our move without them. I can’t really express how thankful I am for family members who have been there for us, risked coming out to help us, became professional movers and cable installers, ran errands and did grocery shopping, called and texted and joined in the hubbub, and, most of all, shared in our excitement and happiness, even amidst the trials of a pandemic.  

With the hardest part of the move over, and most of the unpacking done, things are settling down a little. In the quietness, my heart has begun the long process of grieving the loss of my mom.  I was amazed how much I felt her near during my move. I kept some of her things, and having them around me makes me think of her and miss her terribly.  I can feel her happiness for me. So many times I’ve wanted to tell her or show her something I knew she’d enjoy. I still have trouble thinking back on those painful, though often sweet, days of her illness, but that will come. I won’t be alone as I process my pain, and it will be tempered by my treasured knowledge of the eternal nature of families. I’m so grateful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, found in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and temples of God on the earth.

“Fam’lies can be together forever, Through Heav’nly Father’s plan. I always want to be with my own family, And the Lord has shown me how I can.”

I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I know, without a doubt. that our Heavenly Father and His Son, our Savior, have a plan, know what’s happening, and are willing to guide us along every step, if only we ask. Though I’m still reeling a bit from all the changes and feeling the pressure of world conditions like everyone else, I feel hope and joy knowing Jesus has overcome the world. I’m where he wants me to be and He’ll continue to abide with me.

“I need thy presence every passing hour; Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be? Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.”

“Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God.

“…We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve.” President Russell M. Nelson

This week, I began a new adventure working in the temple. Since I first went to the temple to be sealed, I’ve loved serving in the temple, and wanted to be an ordinance worker when I grew up.  The days leading up to my first day, things were rough for me and I could feel the opposition. I recognized it easily and simply pressed on, thinking, “Good, that means I’m on the right path.” As soon as I walked through the temple doors, I felt the weight of my cares lifted, and a feeling of gratitude, for this opportunity, overwhelmed me. The longer I was in the temple, the more I realized the amazing blessing of having one day a week in The House of Lord, focusing on what matters most. When I was introduced as the new kid, I was asked, unexpectedly, to tell about myself.  They already knew I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My mind went completely blank; I had no idea what to say.  I sheepishly admitted that, and then honestly stated that I was just very happy to be in the temple with them that day, after which I rallied enough to share that I was the mother of seven and my youngest was 15 now, which allowed me more time to serve in the temple.  But I felt uncomfortable about that initial blank in my head as I thought about who I am now.

Of course, first and foremost, I’m a mom. That’s been the case for more than 30 years.  I identify with that part of myself easily and most often.  I’m also a gran (so fun!), a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that I have a purpose in life in addition to these familiar roles, and now that I’m no longer a wife. I’m trying to learn who Heavenly Father wants me to become in this stage of my life. Like a child, I’m trying out different avenues, talents, possibilities, and like a child, sometimes I’m excited, and other times I’m resistant and scared.

“Single adult sisters throughout the Church, I want you to know of my deep love and appreciation for you—for your goodness, for your faithfulness, for your desire to serve the Lord with all your heart…

“Always be improving yourself. Set personal achievement goals and stretch to accomplish them. Improve yourself physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually…Keep growing and learning and progressing and serving others.” President Ezra Taft Benson

I didn’t think I would journey through this stage of life as a single woman.  I may dance alone at my daughter’s wedding, but I’m still dancing. I’m determined to follow the straight course, even though occasionally I just sit down in the middle of the road and cry awhile. I always get back up. I’m truly thankful for so many strong and faithful women, both married and single, who are shining examples to me. Day by day, I’m finding my way, holding to the iron rod and trusting my testimony. As I search for direction amid the choices in my life now, and through change and uncertainty, my Anchor remains the same; I love and need my Savior every minute. Opportunities that draw me closer to Him are the only ones I’m interested in.

Several years after my husband chose to leave the church and his beliefs began to change, we had a painful discussion about the possibilities for us. He wanted me to be open to new beliefs, new ideas, new behaviors, outside the parameters of the church. Finally, I told him that I am one hundred percent dedicated to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and always will be.  I will keep my covenants. It’s not only what I believe, but who I am, and nothing will ever change that for me.

“It is common for us to pray for physical safety. However, I have come to pray even more fervently for the strength to live true to my covenants. This provides spiritual protection. Whether we live a long or short life upon this earth is of little consequence in the eternities. What really matters is how we live. Living the life of a covenant keeper is of highest value because keeping our covenants is the only way we can fulfill our eternal purpose.” Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

When I was 9 years old, a primary teacher began taking me to primary during the week. I loved it-especially the singing. My dad was a member of the church but hadn’t been involved in it since he was a boy, so church hadn’t been a part of our lives.  Soon the stake missionaries began teaching our family about the gospel.  During one discussion, one of the missionaries asked, “Who baptized Jesus?” Oh, I knew this! I had learned the Baptism song in primary and enthusiastically said, “Immersion!”  Well, the song says, “…and was baptized by immersion…”

After having the lessons, some time and repentance, and loving fellowship, my dad was able to baptize my mom, my older sister, and I. A year later our family was joyfully sealed in the Los Angeles temple. The change in our home was miraculous and beautiful.  We were closer and happier, and I loved everything I learned about my Savior and His church, restored in the Latter-Days by the prophet, Joseph Smith.  I’m eternally thankful for those stake missionaries, and I’ll never forget that amazing primary teacher who cared enough to pick me up in her blue VW bug every week.  Sadly, she died very young of cancer. Because of my experiences, and knowing what life with the gospel, and without it, looked like, I could never reject that precious gift or the loving Redeemer who makes it possible for me to be with my earthly family and my Heavenly family forever.

Although I have faith and hold to the truths I know, life mostly feels scary to me still and I am often overwhelmed.  A counselor asked me to tell her what I know for sure.  I replied, “I know that I am a daughter of God.” This knowledge has been reinforced over and over as I’ve felt the Holy Ghost witness to me that it’s true. We then discussed what else that means if I know that is true.

If I am a daughter of God, then…

I am loved;

Perfectly loved and cherished.

I am important;

I matter.

I am enough;

I don’t have to be perfect yet.

I am safe;  

He watches over me, stays with me.

This is who I am. This is what I know. Even with all my failings and quirks, I can explore the possibilities for my life now and in the future, with the guidance of the Spirit, and know that I am OK. I will always be safe because of the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:35, 38-39

Spring time.  Conference time. Easter time. I love it all.  It amazes me how blessed we are with the knowledge of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the Plan of Happiness our Father designed for us.  It’s part of the good news of the gospel that we have a living prophet on the earth today who teaches us and tells us what the Lord wants us to know.  We have ancient prophets’ words in the scriptures and latter-day prophets to help us navigate our current crazy, scary world.  It’s a singular blessing of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

For me, watching General Conference is like paying tithing, in that the Lord opens the windows of Heaven and pours out blessings, that there is not room enough to receive it. The information and inspiration poured out in one weekend, may overflow our cup and overwhelm us. When I feel that way, I try to welcome the flood, capture all I can, and then slowly and thoughtfully, drink it in over the next few months, going over it again and again, reading, discussing, praying, and applying the messages.  

The year after my divorce, I came to Conference seeking help, healing, and wisdom.  Many messages seemed just for me. Later, I used my notes to compose this pledge for myself.  I read it often and it continues to be a strength and a guide for me.

I am not a victim, but a woman of faith.  I choose to repent of my mistakes, weaknesses, and sins, forgive those who have harmed me, and allow the Savior’s atonement to heal me and my loved ones so that we can be whole.

Today, and the rest of my life, I will keep my focus on Jesus, seeking and embracing joy amidst the sorrows, which I will endeavor to learn from, so that I may be more like my Savior.  I know I don’t walk alone.

I will share with others what I’ve learned from my experiences.  I will open my heart and cherish the wonderful relationships I’ve been blessed with and be grateful for countless blessings from my Heavenly Father.  I will pray more earnestly and sincerely, on my knees, to be blessed with the spiritual gifts I need, and to be taught and led by the Holy Ghost.  I will ask to feel Him more in my life, with a commitment to do what I feel inspired to do.  I will seek God’s will above my own and give my heart more fully to His will for me, trusting Him rather than “wrestling” with Him.

I will remember, especially during difficult times, that steady and sustained progress is enough, and that I can do this—with my Savior’s grace.  In gratitude for the precious gifts of the gospel He has given me, I will love and share and always press on, because God needs brave daughters.

For General Conference, I try to be as prepared as possible to receive what I need to know. I’m at a stage in life where I can attend the temple, take time to ponder what I need help with, and sit and quietly listen to the speakers.  It’s new, and wonderful, but the times of Conference with my big family surrounding me, are treasured memories, happily softened around the edges by time.  Here’s a glimpse, from the past, of my busy mom version of Conference preparation:

1. Monday—Before Family Night, spend the afternoon cutting out tiny pictures of all the Apostles and First Presidency. Realize it’s getting late and think (for an hour) about what really quick thing I could make for dinner. Listen to hungry, grumpy children while I crank out grilled cheese sandwiches. Play the apostles game while the kids whine, “How many more do we have to do,” and “What’s the treat?”
2. Tuesday—Conference tradition: Drag out all nine 72-hour kit backpacks and place them in the family room. Take out the old food items (what’s left after the kids have stolen the granola bars) and make a grocery list of items to replenish. Inventory the rest of the pack for missing socks, mittens, toilet paper, and Band-Aids used in other emergencies.
3. Wednesday—Add to the grocery list items needed to make fun food for Conference days; so the kids will think of it as a special weekend. Absolutely do not forget cheese balls and beef jerky! Also be sure to include treats—they help the kids concentrate and sit quietly. Count to ten before asking the kids to stop taking everything out of the 72-hour kits and blowing the whistles. Attempt to reroll the TP.
4. Thursday—Spend hours scouring the internet for fun Conference activities. Print, copy, and staple together a packet for each child. Feel really proud of myself. Clean up all the messes that somehow happened while I was accomplishing this amazing feat. Add new crayons and jigsaw puzzles to the shopping list.
5. Friday—Enlist the kids’ “help” getting the house clean for Conference. “Why? Is somebody coming over to watch with us?”  “No, but it’s easier to concentrate in a clean environment.” Tired and overwhelmed, go grocery shopping, mentally substituting easier “fun” meals, and decide to save the 72-hour kit stuff for next week, or month, or whenever.  At home, unload all the groceries myself, hiding the surprises in my closet.   Give in and pick up dinner even though I just bought $235.00 of groceries.
6. Saturday—Get up super early. Make individual snack bags for each child, so I don’t have to listen to fighting over who’s hogging the skittles. Rearrange all the furniture, set up the puzzle table, get out clipboards, packets, and crayons, and set out snack bags. Realize I didn’t get to the temple and feel a little defeated. Make the breakfast casserole and put it in the oven. Fifteen minutes before Conference, attempt to get the big kids up. Five minutes before, try again, mentioning food bribes. Two minutes before, turn on the TV and try to find the BYU password to login. Give up and make a new password. Sit down to listen to conference. Breathe deeply.  About an hour in, fall asleep while taking notes on my phone and accidentally erase them all.

Although, this seems amusing to me now, I was giving my all, at that time, to show my family how important General Conference was to me.  Over the years, there have been varying levels of success in attempts to make it just right, but the habit, the preparation, the tradition of sitting down together for Conference, because a prophet of God was going to speak to us, made an impact.  We made a place where the Spirit could be welcome and teach us. I try to always be home and ready for those special times—two of my favorite weekends of the year.

One year, my son was home alone during Conference because I went to help my daughter. He sent me this. 

“Of all the traditions we should cultivate within ourselves and our families, a ‘tradition of righteousness’ should be preeminent. Hallmarks of this tradition are an unwavering love for God and His Only Begotten Son, respect for prophets and priesthood power, a constant seeking of the Holy Spirit, and the discipline of discipleship which transforms believing into doing. A tradition of righteousness sets a pattern for living which draws children closer to parents, and both closer to God, and elevates obedience from a burden to a blessing.” Donald L. Hallstrom