“The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.” Psalm 145:9

Months ago, I received the joyful news that my oldest daughter and her husband would welcome a new little one to their family in May 2020. It was a long way off, and I had no idea, at the time, all that would transpire before baby actually arrived, but I was happy and excited for all of us. I was also scared. I didn’t experience the same fear, so many years ago, when my own babies were ready to come into the world, but now, I worry much more about new babies and the dangers in selflessly bringing a new spirit to this crazy world. I feel admiration for the strength and faith of my daughter, who welcomes children to her family, at great physical and emotional cost to herself. Her pregnancies are complicated, and physical difficulties make recovery slow, but she’s willing to make the sacrifice. Oh, how sweet is the reward!

As I stumbled through the holidays in 2019, with my Mom’s shocking terminal cancer diagnosis, struggling to take care of her and grasp the sudden change in all our plans, I had this beautiful and sweet blessing to anticipate. Often, I found myself pondering the circle of life—how Mom would return to Heaven just before this little spirit came down to earth. I thought of my grandpa’s death before my son was born, Dad’s passing, not long after his grandson, who shares his middle name, joined our family. The older ones completing their journey, and the babies beginning theirs. I feel the connections. We are still family. Our sealing, in the temple of God, binds us together eternally. I could feel my mom watching over my precious daughter, as I prayed all night while she was in labor. I felt the joy of family, gone before, celebrating the start of a little one’s journey here below. Amid my worry and fear, I felt the comfort and joy of knowing there’s a plan, a Master Planner, and angels to help us carry out those plans.

“The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.” David A. Bednar

During the last trimester of my daughter’s pregnancy, our world was tossed into further turmoil by a world pandemic. I don’t know any expectant mothers, or grandmothers who were waiting to go help take care of them, who didn’t feel immense concern about the conditions in which their precious little ones would be born. Everyone was steering clear of hospitals and doctors’ offices, attempting to avoid contact with any who might be infected with, or carrying, COVID-19. However, we all know, babies don’t concern themselves with any of that, and they don’t wait.  They come when it’s time. I had to make a conscious effort, many times a day, to turn it all over to God, trust His goodness and His plan, and let Him carry it for me.

“Throughout time, even and especially during difficult times, prophets have encouraged us to remember the greatness of God and to consider what He has done for us as individuals, as families, and as a people…

“By considering Their kindness, our perspective and understanding are enlarged. By reflecting on Their compassion, we become more humble, prayerful, and steadfast.” Dale G. Renlund

My daughter, who has three other children, and has experienced a variety of birthing situations, from homebirth to hospital, was planning to have her baby at a birthing center, which was in the process of being built and halted during lockdowns. The alternate plan was a birthing center farther away. She needed help, during the birth, with her three young children. They don’t have family close by, and with everyone asked to avoid other people, gatherings, leaving their homes, etc., it was stressful to plan for the delivery. My youngest daughter and I, who’ve been healthy and careful, were on call and ready to come, quarantine or no quarantine, but we are a 9-hour drive away. I prayed about this for months, along with fasting, pleading for help for my daughter and her family, hoping we would be able to be there in time to help, we’d be well enough to safely go to them, and the timing and location would all work for the blessing of this faithful, precious family.

Though the pandemic caused fear and complications, many blessings came from the adjustments which had to be made. My daughter’s husband worked from home during the last months of the pregnancy, allowing her to be off her feet a little more, as she threatened early labor a few times. Though being confined in the house, with two active boys and a toddler, pushed the limits of patience and resources, it allowed her to slow down and get through the entire pregnancy. When she scheduled her midwife appointment, close to her due date, after having contractions off and on for weeks, we decided to come that day and stay until she delivered.

We left early in the morning, arrived by afternoon, and had great fun with the kids as she and her hubby went off to the appointment—with bags packed and hopes high that all those contractions were producing results. We received the good news that she was, indeed, in labor, making progress, and would stay the night to have the baby! I was humbled and filled with gratitude for the miracles—answers to our prayers—in this amazing timing. The children felt safe with us, slept in their own beds, and would see their new baby the following day.

Though labor took longer than we expected, much longer than her other labors, at 6:40am the next morning, I cried with joy when the text finally came, “We have a baby girl!” Those five little words brought months of worry and anticipation to an end; another child of God had joined our family! It’s almost too much sweetness to bear. 

“Fear, which can come upon people in difficult days, is a principal weapon in the arsenal which Satan uses to make mankind unhappy. He who fears loses strength for the combat of life in the fight against evil. Therefore the power of the evil one always tries to generate fear in human hearts. In every age and in every era, mankind has faced fear.” Howard W. Hunter

It seems to me that most people have their “thorn in the side” weaknesses, which they work on throughout their lives with seemingly little success in the overcoming department. One of my “thorns” is fear, a familiar nemesis. Though fear is a blessing and protection provided by our Creator to help keep us safe, when it becomes an indulgence, it can be a great source of pain and an impediment to progress. My brain automatically thinks first of all the things that could go wrong, in any given situation. It worries. Overthinks. This can actually be good in the problem-solving arena; I agonizingly work through all the issues, and often come up with a good plan, but it’s exhausting for me and usually annoying for everyone around me.

Those of us who experience anxiety and fear may do things others feel are irrational or stupid, in our quest to find comfort of some kind. It would be loving (and greatly appreciated) to refrain from judging or belittling others’ coping mechanisms, strange as they may seem. Hoarding, crying, cleaning, panicking, hiding, binge-watching tv, eating (uggggg eating), and many other coping behaviors, healthy or not, are most likely the best we can do at that moment. Messages of love and support, or offers of help, go a long way towards stabilizing, while harsh judgment and mockery increase the pain and fear.

“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

“Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;” Doctrine and Covenants 50:40-41 

I’ve pondered, many times, the account in the scriptures of Peter walking on the water with the Lord.  I fully relate to Peter’s faith and joy in successfully moving toward Jesus, only to be overtaken by fear of the tumultuous waves so near.  I love knowing that although the Lord chides Peter, “Wherefore didst thou doubt?” He, nevertheless, immediately, lovingly reaches down and lifts him up, always loving, always patient.

“God knows that you are not perfect, that you will fail at times.  God loves you no less when you struggle than when you triumph.” Deiter F. Uchtdorf

This week, as the messages poured in from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints with instructions about not gathering as members, and the news carried moment-by-moment information of closures and spreading of COVID-19, my heart began to increase in fear and anxiety.  My head started to spin.  I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I felt disoriented, increasingly alone, and helpless.  Then I received a text from my bishop asking ward members to please reach out to our ministering families and check on them.  As I began texting those I minister to, my heart immediately calmed. I was focused entirely on loving them, seeing to their comfort and safety. I recognized the dramatic difference and made a mental note: this is how to use this situation to become more like the Savior.  Everything we experience in this life is for that purpose, after all.

“…remember the words of John: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” If we simply love God and love our neighbors, we are promised that we will overcome our fears.” L. Tom Perry

I’m prepared, I don’t need to fear, and I can help those who may not be prepared or have a firm foundation in Christ.  Times of crisis often soften and open hearts.  I want to “be ready always to give an answer” for the hope I feel and to share what helps me be calm, and even happy, during such difficult times. Over the last couple of days, studying the scriptures, doing topical guide searches, such as fear, hope, and peace, writing my blog, reaching out to friends and neighbors, looking for ways to make church fulfilling for my daughter and I, preparing healthy meals, and video chatting with my grandson, who was sad about cancelled skateboarding lessons, all brought light and happy feelings, completely opposite of the heavy, dark feelings of fear.

“Faith, hope, and charity—these three great pillars of the gospel are the great antidote to confusion, doubt, and fear. As you deepen your commitment to these principles and practices, you will feel the Lord’s Spirit in your life, and you will begin to feel your load lighten. Your life will become much happier as you seek to lift the spirits of those around you.” Mark D. Ogletree

In our current world situation, crisis even, most people have a measure of fear.  Satan wants to use this to isolate us.  What’s more isolating, than self-isolation?  Yes, we’re pulling away from physical interaction with others to help keep more people safe, but there are still hundreds of ways to reach out and increase the feelings of community and solidarity, even in our physical isolation. We’re blessed with something those who suffered during previous ages didn’t have—technology, which allows us not only to talk and text, but to see each other and even virtually gather.  

“Behold my Spirit is upon you, wherefore all thy words will I justify; and the mountains shall flee before you, and the rivers shall turn from their course; and thou shalt abide in me, and I in you; therefore walk with me.” Moses 6:34

Each day I’m more aware of how much I need the help of my Savior moment by moment. At this stage in my life, I don’t have the emotional or physical energy I had when I was younger. As a single woman, I also don’t have a partner with whom to discuss, brainstorm, and share the load. Challenges that used to seem like a few steep steps, now often feel like mountains to climb. I’m amazed at the speed with which life, circumstances, and emotions change. We’re fragile. Life is fragile. Thankfully, the Lord is aware of this and provides all we need to navigate life’s twists and turns, which perfectly, though sometimes painfully, do their job of teaching us and helping us grow.

“The humility you and I need for the Lord to lead us by the hand comes from faith. It comes from faith that God really lives, that He loves us, and that what He wants—hard as it may be—will always be best for us.” Henry B. Eyring

Before my sweet dad was called back to Heaven, he was a constant, dependable source of strength and help to me. I didn’t have to think about it much, I was totally secure in the knowledge that he’d be there for me if I needed him.  He wouldn’t be put-out or disapproving; he’d be happy to help, encouraging, and loving. He made me feel like my asking him for help was just what he was hoping for. I miss him so much.  Knowing this about my dad taught me it’s possible to have the same relationship with my Heavenly Father. He’ll always be there for me, always listen, and always provide a way for me to get through the next thing. He sent His Son, who knows my every need, sorrow, struggle, and hope. I don’t have to carry it all alone—He walks with me.

For years, I’ve had the desire to move.  Since my divorce and many of my children having grown and left the nest, I’ve wanted a smaller, more manageable home and a fresh start. About once a year, I’d get a feeling of restlessness and look at houses in Utah, where I loved living for a few years. After searching and dreaming, I’d always end up feeling it wasn’t the right time.  I’d hear the whisper, “Wait. Be patient.” I’d put away my floor plans and dreams, and trust in the Lord’s timing, then go through all our belongings (with considerable family resistance), paring down for when the time was right.

“Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us.” Jeffrey R. Holland

Viewing floor plans has been a fun hobby for me. I’ve always dreamed of a one-story house. When we had 7 children and were moving to Utah, I told the kids I wanted a one-story house. My son laughed and said, “Mom, we’d need a mall!”  Ironically, the house in Utah had three levels, but the kids each had their own room and a basement to secretly practice pole vaulting, construct Dinotopia virtual flying rides, and record music videos.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 

“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

This year, when I got that familiar urge to look at houses and plan for a move, I looked in this area. I have family here, whom I need more and more as I get older, and who need me, as well. I also wanted to be near a big airport to make it easy for my kids to visit, and near the temple, which is vital to me. I didn’t want to be close to downtown, though; I wanted to be outside the city a bit.  That one-story is especially important now, too, as my mom gets older and needs more care.

With all these criteria in mind, I prayed for help and guidance, and once again began my search. I systematically viewed floor plans, but this time I could also go see model homes and explore areas—very daring for me! Finding a single-story home with enough bedrooms and bathrooms for the family I have right now, a small yard to care for, and within my budget, was still challenging. As I explored different areas, I had distinct feelings.  In one area, I was immediately positive it wasn’t for me, while in other areas, I felt good and hopeful.  When I found a model home that felt nearly perfect for our circumstances, I came home to start looking at other areas around here which had the same model, but felt the impression to stop looking.  It was a feeling that I didn’t need to look further.

I was excited and panicked at the same time.  After all the waiting, could this really be the right time, the right house, the right circumstances to go ahead? Though I wanted it, I was fearful. It was such a huge decision to make on my own, but I knew it ultimately was my decision to make, and I wanted to be absolutely sure the Lord approved.  I knew I could be brave enough to go forward with all the details, drama, and effort this would require of me, if only I knew the Lord would walk with me.  I pretty much asked for a miracle, set aside all fear, and put my trust and confidence in God. He moved my mountains. He provided the miracles. My home is sold, and we’re renting here until the new house is built, in several months.

I’ve been humbled by the love and care I’ve felt from Above. I’ve experienced pure joy knowing Heavenly Father heard my prayers, had a plan for me, and guided me. When the anxiety and fear creep in, I remember the miracles and hold to the trust. I can do this—because I know my Savior walks with me.

“Thou wilt show me the path of life; in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.” Psalm 16:11

Last week, my youngest and I spent a week with my daughter and her family, who live about 8 hours (driving) from our house. It was a wonderful time of celebration and rejoicing, as my oldest grandson had his eighth birthday and chose to follow Jesus Christ and be baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He had been preparing and knew what it meant to make that covenant. He’s a serious and sensitive boy and seeing the light in his eyes on his baptism day brought me pure joy. No wonder the Savior tells us we need to be like little children. Days like that remind me that true joy is eternal, while sorrows are temporary.   

It’s easy to forget, amid the strife and struggle of day-to-day survival, the simplicity and love of Heavenly Father’s plan. The natural man forgets good things, which is probably why “remember” is a frequent word in the scriptures. The temple is also a place of remembering as our perspective becomes more clearly focused. If I go a few weeks without going to the temple, I forget that this moment, this anxiety, this struggle, is not forever. I’m afraid, even though I know God watches over me and those I love, because I forget to trust.

A week before our trip to my daughter’s home, her 18-month-old toddler took a tumble down their stairs and suffered a concussion. She had to have quiet and low stimuli, be constantly watched, and stay home.  Not so easy with two busy brothers, a birthday, and a baptism during the week! We went earlier than planned so we could help.  Thankfully, she’s comfortable with me and I was able to hold her and rock her and help in any way I could. However, I found that when I wasn’t the one watching her, my anxiety spiked and occasionally I had to leave the room, put in my earbuds, and listen to something to drown out the sounds in the house. I was the Gran, not the Mom, and it was hard not to be in charge.  I became more fearful and anxious when it was time to go home. I was sad and wondered how my daughter would be able to manage without us there—it was tricky even with three of us taking care of the kids while her husband was at work. I forgot to trust the Lord to take care of that precious little one, whom I know He loves even more than I do.  After we left, my son, who’d come for the baptism, spent the day entertaining the little boys.  The rest of the week, friends and ward members stepped in to help when it was needed, and my daughter was given what she needed to get by. I may forget, but Jesus never does. 

“I [will] not forget thee, O house of Israel.

“Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:15-16

When I returned home from the trip, my mom told me that the day I’d left, she’d fallen.  My mom lives with me, and my sisters live within 15 minutes of our home. Mom’s health is generally OK, but it can be unpredictable, and we always pray for her to be protected while we’re away. She and I texted a couple of times each day, my son was around, when he wasn’t at work, and my sisters checked on her. I was shocked to hear that she’d fallen—all the way to the ground.  Nobody was home when it happened, and her phone wasn’t close by.  Amazingly, she only received a big bruise on her arm, and wasn’t hurt in any other way.  Somehow, she was able to get up.  I was humbled by this tender mercy, because she hadn’t been able to get down to the floor or up from the floor for several years.  She got stuck kneeling down once and I couldn’t get her up by myself.  It was literally a miracle she wasn’t hurt and was able to get up on her own. As I thought about this, sincerely thanking my Father in Heaven for this answer to our prayers for her safety, the feeling struck me that He was reminding me that I can trust Him.  I’m not in charge.  He is.  And He’s ever so much better at it than I am!  I forget.  He lovingly reminds me. 

“Every good man and woman…[is] in the hands of [the] Lord.  They are before him, his eye upon them, his angels round about them that they might endure afflictions, suffer pain [and] buffeting by Satan, pass through scenes of afflictions enough to wring their natural hearts out of them, comparatively.  Yet God [will] take care of them.” 

 (Brigham Young, Sept. 23, 1852, Mary Fielding Smith’s funeral)

When my sons received their mission calls to share the gospel of Jesus Christ and went away for two years each-one to Africa and one, two years later, to Canada-I had a hard time. Though I was happy, knowing it was exactly where each was supposed to go and believed he would have the experiences he most needed, I was worried and anxious. To combat my fears, I used a visualization.  As I drove my son to the Mission Training Center, I imagined the Savior’s strong and capable hands cupped and reaching out to me. I saw myself placing my son, held in my own cupped hands, into the Savior’s hands, completely turning over his care to the only One who could truly protect him. Mission time then became a blessing to me, as I grew closer to each son with heartfelt weekly emails and many blessings from Heaven. While there have been many times I’ve placed loved ones and situations into the loving hands of my Savior, there have also been times I’ve forgotten to do this and felt the weight of the world on my own shoulders, instead.  

“I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when he finds that His people do not feel confident in His care or secure in His hands.” Jeffrey R. Holland

All week I’ve thought about trust.  I’ve tried to remember Him always, but last night, even while writing about it, I found myself worrying, with my friend and fellow worrier, about the youth conference group that wasn’t answering cell phones, an hour after the time designated for parents to pick up kids. Her handy-dandy tracker said, “location unavailable.”  That’s not a comfortable place for me. Soon after, they reached cell service and let us know they were alive. Sigh. I wish I were better at always remembering.  

 “There is nothing easy or automatic about becoming such powerful disciples. Our focus must be riveted on the Savior and His gospel.  It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought.   But when we do, our doubts and fears flee.”

President Russell M. Nelson