“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…to comfort all that mourn…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3

After receiving a stunning plant, with a blooming orchid, I thanked my dear friend for the thoughtful gift, and she replied, “I think beauty is a salve for a hurting heart.” I can attest to the truthfulness of this statement as we have received bounteous beauty, in response to the sorrowful time we experienced with my mom, and the sweet feelings of comfort they’ve provided.  Love and sympathy have been expressed with colorful, fragrant blooms of many varieties, a charming, personal work of art, poetic words and graceful artwork on cards, and the most beautiful and healing of all—loving, smiling faces, sometimes with a tear of sympathy in the eye.

As I’ve considered the abundant beauty all around me, and how it truly is a salve for my hurting heart, I’ve felt humbled and grateful, once again, for the wisdom and mercy of our Father in Heaven.  He has planned for everything.  There’s no surprises to Him, no last-minute contingencies. In the beginning He created this world: the plants and flowers, the streams and waterfalls, the beaches and mountains, the deserts and rainforests. He designed the bounty of fascinating creatures that roam the earth, from the amazing giraffe to the strong and graceful horse and every varied, interesting animal in the water, sky, and around the globe. He placed beauty everywhere the eye can see.

“Indeed, all truth, both spiritual and temporal, testifies of Him. When we learn to read the ‘signs, and wonders, and types, and shadows’ properly, with the eyes of faith, we will realize that all of history, all of science, all of nature, all divinely revealed knowledge of any sort, testifies of Him. He is the very personification of truth and light, of life and love, of beauty and goodness. All that He did was done out of love.” Alexander B. Morrison

Many times, I’ve relaxed on the sand of a favorite California beach, breathing deeply of the salty air, feeling the gentle breeze tousle my hair, hearing the rushing in and retreating of the cascading waves. It soothes my soul in a unique way, bringing me comfort and joy. When I can’t be there, I try to recreate that beauty, from my memory, visualizing all those calming, comforting sensations. It feels like a picture-perfect scene created just for me.

At home, clear blue skies and brilliant sunshine warm my body and soul, helping me feel God’s love and comfort. Cottony, white clouds blowing by, or orange and red sunsets, are awe-inspiring beauty, which humbles me and reminds me there’s a great and powerful God who lovingly provides all this for us to enjoy.  As I headed home from Utah yesterday, I was a little anxious about driving in the rain.  As we neared home, however, half of the sky was dark gray, rain clouds, while the other half was bright blue.  I excitedly told my son, “Look for the rainbow!” Soon he spied it—a magical double rainbow, full of ancient promise.

The temple, up on the hill, sparkling in the sunlight or glowing in the night, welcomes us with its beauty. Many exquisite flowers and plants, on the temple grounds, are lovingly tended, adding to its welcoming feeling. There is also manmade beauty, inspired by the Lord. Every intricate detail of our sacred temples is made gloriously in praise to our God, whose house it is.  Each lovely painting, elegant piece of furniture, delicate carving, and magnificent chandelier speak beauty, granting peace and reminding us to ponder the glory of God.

“As I think of temples, my thoughts turn to the many blessings we receive therein. As we enter through the doors of the temple, we leave behind us the distractions and confusion of the world. Inside this sacred sanctuary, we find beauty and order. There is rest for our souls and a respite from the cares of our lives.” Thomas S. Monson

I’m thankful for the Lord’s gifts of beauty all around us and the reminder they are of His love, power, and grace. He is able to change the clouds to sunshine, and sorrow to rejoicing. Only He can change our hearts and make us new.

“…No matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone. And when He atoned, that settled that. There are so many of us who are thrashing around, as it were, with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape. You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.” Boyd K. Packer

“The health of any society, the happiness of its people, their prosperity, and their peace all find common roots in the teaching of children in the home.” L. Tom Perry

As another school year begins tomorrow, I celebrate 20 years as a homeschooling mom! It’s crazy, honestly, that it’s been that long. Although many people choose alternate schooling rather than public school now, homeschooling is still far from the norm and is regularly questioned, sometimes even disdained or mocked, by adults and children alike. To accept the responsibility for a child’s education at home is to swim against the current, which can be difficult for both the mommy fish and the rest of the “school.” Overall, however, I’ve loved it.  It’s been a blessing and a joy having the opportunity to watch my children grow and to learn along with them.  It has also been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I knew the Lord wanted me to homeschool, so I faced the unknowns, the challenges, the skeptics, and most of all—the CHILDREN.  Day after day.  Battle after battle.  It wasn’t perfect, not even close, but it was rewarding and strengthening to our family. 

A few things I’ve learned from being a homeschooling mom:

• Each one of us is a child of God and He loves and cares about us individually. He even cares about the little things, the details. He ministers to us one by one. He heard my prayer about what to do for a precious daughter, a free and joyful spirit whose light was being dimmed by her public school experience, and He answered me.  He loves and cares about me, and He loves and cares about her, too.

Elder M. Russell Ballard affirms mothers’ divine role in cherishing and teaching their children.  “There is no one perfect way to be a good mother,” he says.  “Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.” Elder Ballard acknowledges that some women are “able to be ‘full-time moms,’ [and that] some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work,” but that “what matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.”

• When Heavenly Father asks us to do something, He gives us the strength, the courage, and the help we need to accomplish it—just like Nephi said. I was the mother of six children, one just a baby, when He called me to teach my children at home.  I had no idea how to make that happen. I didn’t know the laws, the requirements, any of the details. I didn’t know how I’d do it with my baby and five other kids, four of whom chose homeschooling.  I just knew God wanted me to do it, and that it was for my children.  Knowing those two things made me brave! He prepared the way.  He lovingly provided friends, mentors, inspiration, resources, and physical and emotional strength beyond my own.   

• Each child of God on this earth is a one-of-a-kind individual with a different situation, different desires, and different gifts. I love that each of my children is unique and different from the others, and the way their gifts and characteristics strengthen our family, as a whole. Seeing this in action has given me a greater desire to love and appreciate all of God’s children the way they are—all different, all beautiful, all interesting and gifted in various ways. I also enjoy my children’s shared family traits and things they have in common.  In the same way, we have much in common with our brothers and sisters all over this earth. With schooling, even in my own family, there was the same variety. Out of seven children, I had one that only attended public school, five that had some homeschooling and some public school, and one that only homeschooled. One daughter went to public school until sixth grade, then homeschooled through graduation from high school.  She had a one-student ceremony in a big, grassy backyard with family and friends, wore an orange cap and gown, and “walked” to the Theme from Star Wars.  It was awesome. Another daughter homeschooled until attending sixth and seventh grade in Utah, then homeschooled eighth grade after we moved back to Vegas, before finishing up with four years at the public high school. We took it one child, one circumstance, one prayer at a time and did what we felt was the right for each of them at any given moment.  

• When we act on the inspiration we are given from a loving Father in Heaven, through the Spirit, we are blessed in more, and farther reaching, ways than we could ever imagine. Homeschooling provided time to study the gospel every single day, along with history, science, and math. My children learned to read by finding “and” and “the” in the scriptures. We read about Columbus, The Pilgrims, and the Revolutionary War in The Book of Mormon, along with the history books. We read about Creation in Genesis and The Pearl of Great Price, along with evolution in our science books. I was able to teach my children those things that are most important and share my testimony with them. We had the spirit in our classroom. Of course, all of those things can happen in a non-homeschooling home, but I am a morning person.  I don’t function well after dinnertime (maybe even lunchtime some days).  For me, having that time in the morning was a huge blessing. Many years later, some of my grandchildren enjoy some of the same blessings of homeschooling.

“Neither the alphabet nor the multiplication table should be taught without the Spirit of God.” –Brigham Young

(as quoted by Karl G. Maeser, Educating Zion p.2)

I could go on all day; it turns out 20 years is a long time. Five of my children are University Graduates and degree holders. Now my youngest is a junior and will graduate “high school” having homeschooled her whole schooling career. I’m thankful for the gifts of homeschooling. I think all of my kids are smart, talented, amazing people. I’m thankful to know Heavenly Father loves them even more than I do and let me be their mother. 

The greatest example of God’s love for His children is found in the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

I’m the kind of mom who asks my kids to eat before going somewhere, take water with them, check the weather in case they need a sweatshirt, get to bed at a decent hour, text when they get where they’re going, come in and say goodnight when they get home, etc.  Generally, they don’t appreciate this. They don’t see the love behind it.  I love them enough to ask them to take care of themselves and to let me know they’re safe. It seems simple and clear to me, but from their vantage point, not so much. Evidently, it can be annoying to be loved.

Because of these mom feelings, it’s easy for me to see that giving us commandments is one way our Heavenly Father shows His love.  He wants us to be safe. He sees the pitfalls and is helping us avoid them. I’ve always felt the love in His words of counsel and warning, but I know I miss them, sometimes, in other important ways. I have to look for the love, really search for it, in the hard things, but it’s always there. When I make the effort to look, I find it.

Last week was a hard one for me.  My youngest daughter was out of town for the week.  That’s not my favorite because I miss her, and I worry about her.  Don’t tell me all the reasons I shouldn’t; I never claimed to be rational.  She’s my sunshine and when she’s gone, it’s dark.  Hopefully, I get points here, because I let her go, even though I don’t want to. I do try to act rationally, even though I don’t always think rationally. (Patting myself on the back here and saying, “It’s okay.  You’re trying.”)

I had a much-anticipated trip with friends on my calendar near the end of the week, but that seemed eons away.  After a couple of long, sad days, I decided a change of scenery was needed. I headed out to visit another light in my life, a daughter about 6 hours away. It was a struggle. I had trouble shaking the gloom.  To be honest, it’s been dogging me lately. Thankfully, sunshine returned during the laughter-filled time with my sweet daughter.  Hugs, and a meal made by her and hubby, lifted my heart. That short visit was a treasure. I felt the love: the love of my daughter, and the love of my Heavenly Father. What a blessing that He gave me precious children, each of whom bring light and joy into my life. I feel His love through my children.  I know how much I love them—too much to express, sometimes so much it’s hard to bear—and I know His love is even greater. It’s more pure, more complete, more selfless, more knowing.  Just more.  I rely on it, and it never fails.

“Our Heavenly Father’s plan contains the ultimate expressions of true love. All that we hold dear—even our families, our friends, our joy, our knowledge, our testimonies—would vanish were it not for our Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. … The world has witnessed no greater gift, nor has it known more lasting love.” Thomas S. Monson

When I met up with my dear friends on Thursday, it felt like Disneyland, as a kid. Finally! It’s here. Laughter, hugs, talking, more hugs, more talking, some tears, more laughter, repeat. Fun!  (Remember fun?)  Why do we need friends—dear, unbiased, empathetic, non-related, uplifting, funny, wise, serious, food-loving, accepting friends—so much? They help us let go and take ourselves less seriously. They listen and validate us when it’s serious and needs tender care. They feed and nurture us, both physically and spiritually, and carry our burdens with us. They honestly and quietly say, “Me too.”  They remind us we matter, no matter what. Their time and love proclaim, “Heavenly Father loves you.”

This trip with friends is a miracle to me. I lived in Vegas for 10 years, moved to Utah for three, then back to Vegas (same house, same ward, same everything) for more than 10 now.  After 20 years here, there are many dear, supportive friends who bless my life daily, including my sweet and funny sisters who both live here.  What’s amazing, also, is that during that short little blip in Utah, I met beautiful, loving sisters Heavenly Father knew I needed to meet. I worked in callings with women who helped and strengthened me, becoming cherished friends and wise counselors. I met an amazing sister who would later go through a divorce the same time I did, texting every day, sometimes every hour, holding my hand, so to speak, to get me through. These friends have been angels to me.

During the three years we lived in Utah, my husband left the church, and my life changed, and would keep changing, in ways I never imagined. God wasn’t surprised.  He’s never surprised.  He “knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.” He lovingly made all the plans, laid the groundwork, and blessed me with everything I’d need to get through the coming storms. He is my anchor, and He provided life preservers, as well.

As I sat in the temple, surrounded by these three, long-distance, treasured friends, I felt the love of my Father in Heaven surrounding me. Knowing and loving these ladies, when I needed it many years ago, and when I need it, right now, is a miracle to me—nothing less than a miracle—provided by a loving Father. How humbling. How beautiful.  How kind. He truly loves me! And I love Him.

“Because thy lovingkindess is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.” Psalm 63:3

“My dear sisters, your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes…It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.” Thomas S. Monson

It’s been a rough week.  Several weeks, actually. I’m struggling to find some light to share, but even as I take the step to open my computer and read the words of apostles and prophets and type some thoughts, I feel the Savior’s love and encouragement.

I’ve previously shared some things that help me press on here.  Today I just want to feel hope and comfort and in some small way share it with anyone else who may be hurting. Life can feel so isolated and lonely at times, but we are not alone. It can feel scary and dark, but the Light of the World is nearby, and He understands.

“The Book of Mormon teaches that ‘He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.’

“He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us.” Dallin H. Oaks

For 30 years, I’ve suffered with varying levels of depression and anxiety.  I was blindsided by these feelings during my first pregnancy. My mom said to me one day, “You’ve wanted a baby more than anything, why aren’t you happy?”  I replied that I didn’t know and then cried my head off.  After my baby was born, amid the joy at having this sweet angel in my life, I was also flooded with anxiety. The responsibility overwhelmed and terrified me.

In the many years, and many ups and downs, since then, I’ve studied about mental health conditions, gone to counseling, worked on changing eating and health habits and practicing self-care, received Priesthood blessings, and clung to my testimony and the Word of God, seeking relief.  For me, medication didn’t feel like the answer, although I know it makes a huge difference for some. I believe the answers are varied for each person and each ailment.

“When the Apostle Paul sought to be healed from the ‘thorn in the flesh’ that buffeted him, the Lord declined to heal him. Paul later wrote that the Lord explained, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Paul obediently responded that he would ‘rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me … for when I am weak, then am I strong.’

“Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” Dallin H Oaks

My depression has gone through cycles, always intensified by pregnancy and stress.  After the birth of one of my children, I couldn’t emotionally feel anything but sorrow and fear. I wondered if I ever would again.  It’s incredibly hard on family members, as well, which adds to the feelings of sadness and despair. Often, they don’t understand, get upset, and want to get away from the “little black raincloud” in their home. Once I was told, “You’re not very fun to be around.” Yes, I knew that.  Even I didn’t want to be around me. It was hard to believe anyone could love me. 

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely. 

“He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.

“What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.”

Dieter F. Uctdorf

Remembering that Heavenly Father loves me, that Jesus loves me enough to suffer all this along with me, I hold on, keep breathing, and stay close to the Lord, hoping, always hoping, it will get better.  Maybe not great, but better. Bearable. Thankfully, during the worst times, I had a sweet, soft, snuggly baby to hold, which brought me great comfort. Knowing my other little children needed me to give all I could, helped me force myself to do what had to be done.  I was blessed that way.  I understand some cannot, and my own experiences bless me with so much compassion for them.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” Orson F. Whitney

After that especially difficult time, I was better able to understand opposition. Without the darkness, the light of joy I felt unexpectedly one day, wouldn’t be as bright.  The difference was dramatic. I was in awe, clinging to those precious moments of joy, knowing they were a gift from a loving Father in Heaven. Until those moments come, it’s hard to be patient, to remember what it feels like, to believe it will get better, but we can, because of our Savior.   

“Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to ‘stand still’ or ‘be still’—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.

“Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are ‘like a broken vessel,’ as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind.” Jeffrey R. Holland

I’ve been blessed by hearing and reading the stories of pain and hope shared by others who bravely carry on in their struggle.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints offers support and resources here for the increasing number of people struggling with mental health challenges.

 “Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” Jeffrey R. Holland

“…Our time in the temple is crucial to our salvation and exaltation and to that of our families. 

“…Each one of us needs the ongoing spiritual strengthening and tutoring that is possible only in the house of the Lord.” Russell M. Nelson

From the beginning, men and women built temples to worship God.  “Temples are literally houses of the Lord. They are holy places of worship where the Lord may visit” (True to the Faith). While Jesus was on the earth, He came to the temple often and made it clear it was a sacred and holy place, which must be pure and clean. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the restored church of Jesus Christ, and temples are an integral part of our worship, as well. Within the temple, we receive ordinances and make covenants with God, which allow us to be with our families, both earthly and Heavenly, throughout eternity, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. After we receive ordinances for ourselves, we then do work, by proxy, for those who have died without the opportunity to have the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, offering them the choice to receive, if they desire.

“Consider the great mercy and fairness of God, who, before the foundation of the world, provided a way to give temple blessings to those who died without a knowledge of the gospel.” Russell M. Nelson

I grew up in Southern California, and the first temple I entered was the Los Angeles Temple.  As a youth, I did baptisms, and later I was married and sealed in that beautiful, sacred place. As a young bride, going through the temple, receiving ordinances and making new covenants, I was a little nervous. There was so much to take in, to hear and see and feel. Though I couldn’t possibly grasp most of what was presented that first time, I knew I was where I was supposed to be because of the powerful feeling of the Spirit throughout my time in the temple.  Pure love, safety, and joy enveloped me, and each tear was a drop of thanks for this precious blessing.

I wanted to return often, to remember what I’d heard and seen and let it become a part of me.  During the first years of my marriage, I drove from Camarillo to LA every week to attend the temple. It was all new and inspiring to me. I wanted to learn everything the Lord wanted to teach me, and I treasured that time each week: the drive, time to ponder, the peace and quiet and joy I felt there. I developed a love for, and testimony of, the temple.

“We all know there is no more peaceful place on this earth than in the temples of God. If you don’t have a temple recommend, qualify to get one. When you have a recommend, use it often. Schedule a regular time to be in the temple. Don’t let anyone or anything prevent you from being there.

“While you are in the temple, listen to the words of the ordinances, ponder them, pray about them, and seek to understand their meaning. The temple is one of the best places to come to understand the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Seek Him there.”

Richard G Scott

In the temple, more than anywhere else, I feel the truth that our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ, love us and want to bless us in every possible way, if only we will receive. Loving, merciful words are spoken and given to us as a gift from Them to get us through the challenges of this life. We are offered forgiveness, protection, and grace. Everywhere in the temple, there is love.

“The temple is also a place of refuge, thanksgiving, instruction, and understanding, ‘that [we] may be perfected … in all things pertaining to the kingdom of God on the earth.’ Throughout my life it has been a place of tranquility and peace in a world that is literally in commotion. It is wonderful to leave the cares of the world behind in that sacred setting.” Quintin L Cook

As a mother of young children, I couldn’t get to the temple as often as I wanted.  Though life was often overwhelming, I still made it a priority to be there when I could, influenced by the promises of the Lord, through our church leaders, that our family would be blessed by my attendance. I was always personally instantly blessed by my time in the temple, away from the cares and worry I constantly carried. I began imagining, as I approached the temple doors, removing my burdens from my shoulders and placing them right outside the doors.  I knew I would have to pick them back up again when I came out, but while inside, I felt free from those burdens for a little while.

“Sometimes you may feel that you cannot think clearly because your mind is so burdened with problems and the many things clamoring for attention.  In the temple, the dust of these distractions can settle, the fog and haze can lift, and you can understand things that you have not understood before.  You can find new ways to deal with the challenges you face.” True to the Faith

When my husband left the church, I was devastated and confused. I could not understand. I sought peace and light amid the terrible fear and darkness. During a Women’s conference I attended, the Lord led me to the scripture written for Emma, “Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou hast made.”  That answer became my lifeline and saving grace. My covenants. The temple.  Always there is a place where I am safe, cherished, grounded. A place where I feel whole. A place where the hugeness of the moment gives way to the scale and perspective of eternity. A place where I’m reminded that my experiences and mistakes are for my learning and there is forgiveness through my Savior. I love the temple.

“My dear brothers and sisters, the assaults of the adversary are increasing exponentially, in intensity and in variety. Our need to be in the temple on a regular basis has never been greater…

“I promise you that the Lord will bring the miracles He knows you need as you make sacrifices to serve and worship in His temples.” Russel M. Nelson

It’s been five weeks since I became an ordinance worker in the temple. When I’m there all day, each minute that passes, the world outside becomes smaller and less important, and my joy increases. I smile and feel like I’m spending the day in Heaven. Once again, my Savior has provided a tender mercy to get me through the rest of my week, the rest of my life. I know He’s near. I know the temple is His House and His Spirit is there, because I feel Him. I also see Him, as I recognize, more and more, His hand in all the details of my life.

“And inasmuch as my people build a house unto me in the name of the Lord, and do not suffer any unclean thing to come into it, that it be not defiled, my glory shall rest upon it; 

“Yea, and my presence shall be there, for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God.” Doctrine and Covenants 97:15-16

“Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God.

“…We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve.” President Russell M. Nelson

This week, I began a new adventure working in the temple. Since I first went to the temple to be sealed, I’ve loved serving in the temple, and wanted to be an ordinance worker when I grew up.  The days leading up to my first day, things were rough for me and I could feel the opposition. I recognized it easily and simply pressed on, thinking, “Good, that means I’m on the right path.” As soon as I walked through the temple doors, I felt the weight of my cares lifted, and a feeling of gratitude, for this opportunity, overwhelmed me. The longer I was in the temple, the more I realized the amazing blessing of having one day a week in The House of Lord, focusing on what matters most. When I was introduced as the new kid, I was asked, unexpectedly, to tell about myself.  They already knew I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My mind went completely blank; I had no idea what to say.  I sheepishly admitted that, and then honestly stated that I was just very happy to be in the temple with them that day, after which I rallied enough to share that I was the mother of seven and my youngest was 15 now, which allowed me more time to serve in the temple.  But I felt uncomfortable about that initial blank in my head as I thought about who I am now.

Of course, first and foremost, I’m a mom. That’s been the case for more than 30 years.  I identify with that part of myself easily and most often.  I’m also a gran (so fun!), a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that I have a purpose in life in addition to these familiar roles, and now that I’m no longer a wife. I’m trying to learn who Heavenly Father wants me to become in this stage of my life. Like a child, I’m trying out different avenues, talents, possibilities, and like a child, sometimes I’m excited, and other times I’m resistant and scared.

“Single adult sisters throughout the Church, I want you to know of my deep love and appreciation for you—for your goodness, for your faithfulness, for your desire to serve the Lord with all your heart…

“Always be improving yourself. Set personal achievement goals and stretch to accomplish them. Improve yourself physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually…Keep growing and learning and progressing and serving others.” President Ezra Taft Benson

I didn’t think I would journey through this stage of life as a single woman.  I may dance alone at my daughter’s wedding, but I’m still dancing. I’m determined to follow the straight course, even though occasionally I just sit down in the middle of the road and cry awhile. I always get back up. I’m truly thankful for so many strong and faithful women, both married and single, who are shining examples to me. Day by day, I’m finding my way, holding to the iron rod and trusting my testimony. As I search for direction amid the choices in my life now, and through change and uncertainty, my Anchor remains the same; I love and need my Savior every minute. Opportunities that draw me closer to Him are the only ones I’m interested in.

Several years after my husband chose to leave the church and his beliefs began to change, we had a painful discussion about the possibilities for us. He wanted me to be open to new beliefs, new ideas, new behaviors, outside the parameters of the church. Finally, I told him that I am one hundred percent dedicated to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and always will be.  I will keep my covenants. It’s not only what I believe, but who I am, and nothing will ever change that for me.

“It is common for us to pray for physical safety. However, I have come to pray even more fervently for the strength to live true to my covenants. This provides spiritual protection. Whether we live a long or short life upon this earth is of little consequence in the eternities. What really matters is how we live. Living the life of a covenant keeper is of highest value because keeping our covenants is the only way we can fulfill our eternal purpose.” Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

When I was 9 years old, a primary teacher began taking me to primary during the week. I loved it-especially the singing. My dad was a member of the church but hadn’t been involved in it since he was a boy, so church hadn’t been a part of our lives.  Soon the stake missionaries began teaching our family about the gospel.  During one discussion, one of the missionaries asked, “Who baptized Jesus?” Oh, I knew this! I had learned the Baptism song in primary and enthusiastically said, “Immersion!”  Well, the song says, “…and was baptized by immersion…”

After having the lessons, some time and repentance, and loving fellowship, my dad was able to baptize my mom, my older sister, and I. A year later our family was joyfully sealed in the Los Angeles temple. The change in our home was miraculous and beautiful.  We were closer and happier, and I loved everything I learned about my Savior and His church, restored in the Latter-Days by the prophet, Joseph Smith.  I’m eternally thankful for those stake missionaries, and I’ll never forget that amazing primary teacher who cared enough to pick me up in her blue VW bug every week.  Sadly, she died very young of cancer. Because of my experiences, and knowing what life with the gospel, and without it, looked like, I could never reject that precious gift or the loving Redeemer who makes it possible for me to be with my earthly family and my Heavenly family forever.

Although I have faith and hold to the truths I know, life mostly feels scary to me still and I am often overwhelmed.  A counselor asked me to tell her what I know for sure.  I replied, “I know that I am a daughter of God.” This knowledge has been reinforced over and over as I’ve felt the Holy Ghost witness to me that it’s true. We then discussed what else that means if I know that is true.

If I am a daughter of God, then…

I am loved;

Perfectly loved and cherished.

I am important;

I matter.

I am enough;

I don’t have to be perfect yet.

I am safe;  

He watches over me, stays with me.

This is who I am. This is what I know. Even with all my failings and quirks, I can explore the possibilities for my life now and in the future, with the guidance of the Spirit, and know that I am OK. I will always be safe because of the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:35, 38-39