“Forgiveness is the very reason God sent His Son, so let us rejoice in His offering to heal us all… If you are having trouble forgiving another person or even yourself, ask God to help you. Forgiveness is a glorious, healing principle.” Kevin R. Duncan

Pain—both physical and emotional—is part of our human experience and one of our greatest teachers. Life is a learn-by-experience venture. We know all about opposition, but we’d rather forgo pain and just have pleasure. Pure love, the greatest joy we can experience, comes with the risk—certainty, really—of pain. This is especially evident in families.  Spouses, our sweethearts, confidants, and partners, hold in their hands our trusting hearts, which are easily wounded by thoughtless or selfish words and actions. Mothers experience the sweetest joy and the deepest pain because of their love for their children.  Children are vulnerable to the hurt caused by their parents, who, try though they might to be perfect, fail and wound their fragile sons and daughters. Siblings, who know our weaknesses and tender spots, also wield a great deal of power to hurt  us.  In all loving relationships, the possibility (and probability) of pain is a reality. We continually need healing from the hurtful acts of others. We can learn how to heal, forgive, and become better for the experience, or we can stay stuck, hold grudges, and blame, locking ourselves in a painful prison without parole.

I recognize there are many degrees of harm.  Severe trauma and abuse, especially of innocent children, are so tragic and painful that healing and forgiveness may require professional help and may be a lifelong process.  We mourn for them and pray for them, remembering that Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” He loves them. He sees them. No child is outside His reach.

We’re aware that none of us is perfect, yet often we struggle to forgive the imperfect behavior of those we love, because of the pain it has caused us. We were never promised a perfect childhood, perfect parents, perfect siblings, or a perfect spouse.  In fact, I’m certain the family members we have are specifically chosen by a loving and wise Heavenly Father to provide us with opportunities for growth.  Sometimes we feel indignant that we got that insensitive spouse, those ridiculously strict parents, mutinously stubborn kids, or selfish, smelly siblings. Don’t we secretly think we deserve better and, because of this, blame others for our current problems and pain? Certainly, some of our problems do stem from our childhood and our flawed family members, but growing (and growing up!) requires accepting responsibility for our own troubles, seeking help for needed healing, and offering mercy to those who let us down. 

“This is not to say that forgiveness is easy…It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.” David E. Sorensen

I struggle with forgiving myself for the pain I’ve caused others. It’s a challenge to remember that I’m not required to be perfect right now and that to our Father in Heaven, I’m still a child, too, learning by my mistakes. I want to be forgiven, especially by my children. The knowledge that I’ve hurt them in many ways, though I try, try, try to be a good mom, is a weight on my heart.  My continual prayer is that Jesus will make them whole, healing their pain and blessing it for their good. He promises to do that.

Though there will always be much to forgive, parents often get a bad rap, now more than ever. There’s a whole lot of blaming going on. The majority of parents, who have their own pain to work through, love their children and do their best for them. Let’s remember the tender snuggles, the mended owies, the hands held, the sweet, soft cheeks kissed, and the nightmares comforted. Let’s appreciate the meals prepared, the money earned, the rides provided, and the holidays and birthdays made special. Let’s be thankful for the lessons taught, the scriptures read, and the Priesthood blessings given. We don’t even know the tears shed, the floors paced, the nights without sleep, and the prayers petitioned by loving parents just doing the best they can.

With the help of the Savior, we can love imperfect parents, children, siblings, spouses, and friends. We can forgive them. I’ve found peace from letting go of old hurts and appreciating the good in my wonderful, beautiful, crazy family members. Sometimes complete forgiveness takes many years, but I’ve also felt the miracle of an instantly changed heart. As I uncover injuries and pain in my healing journey, I seek the Lord’s help to understand how it’s affected me, learn a better way, and forgive myself and others, through my Savior’s mercy and grace.  I forgive—and hope to be forgiven. 

 “Forgiveness provides release—a doorway out for the injured. It doesn’t mean excusing or condoning the act; it means leaving judgment to the Lord. When we forgive, the Savior relieves us of our burden through His Atonement. He can replace despair with peace and heal us completely.” Barbara A. Lewis, Feb. 2019 Ensign

“We search for happiness. We long for peace. We hope for love. And the Lord showers us with an amazing abundance of blessings. But intermingled with the joy and happiness, one thing is certain: there will be moments, hours, days, sometimes years when your soul will be wounded.” Neil A. Anderson

We’ve all been wounded and need healing. The words in the scriptures that assure us Christ will come with “healing in His wings,” are beautiful to me.  I visualize his arms reaching out, ready to embrace, comfort, and heal me whenever I call on Him. I feel like Lehi when he said, “I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.” While I know it’s through my Savior’s grace that I’m healed, I recognize that the healing He offers usually requires some effort on my part.  When I’m willing to listen to the Spirit and do the work I’m led to do, I progress more rapidly, and am blessed with bright moments of joy. The Lord is always right here with me, leading me to the people and tools that will best teach and heal me.

 “O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.”

Psalm 30:2

We’re used to instant gratification in our high-speed, high-tech world, but healing requires time and patience, along with hard work. It can be a slow, difficult quest, but those who seek healing will find a path perfectly designed for them by the Lord. Most days, I feel like I’m still at the beginning of a long road, but looking back reminds me I’ve made progress.  Here are some of the tools that help me on my journey. 

Pray without ceasing. Staying close to Heavenly Father and Jesus through daily, nearly constant, prayer, has been my solace. My heart is comforted knowing that Jesus has felt everything I feel, I’m not alone, and it’s OK to feel what I feel and share it all with Him.

Take Time to Grieve. When we experience trauma or loss, it leaves a gaping wound in our spirit—an injury nobody can see.  Life goes on around us, while we stand there in shock, devastated and disoriented. We need time to catch our breath, find our way, grieve the loss of the life we knew before.  Practicing self-compassion, treating ourselves with tender care during this painful time, will help steady the ground under our feet. It’s not easy to learn to say no and accept our limitations without feeling guilty.  When we begin to come out of the darkness, serving others is like a salve. As we open our hearts and use our hands to lift others, our burdens are lightened.

Reach out for help. When my heart is hurting, I want to crawl under the covers and hide. While that may be what I need for a little while, I’m mostly hiding from myself, my feelings, my pain.  Healing requires feeling the pain, addressing it, moving through it.  Some experiences are too hard to face alone, and often we don’t have the knowledge we need to find our way through the maze of difficult feelings. Professional counseling has been instrumental in my healing process. I’ve also found comfort by reaching out to safe, loving friends, who are strong enough to listen and sit with me in my pain.

Put feelings, struggles, and thoughts down on paper.  Journaling has been an eye-opening, soul wrenching, and freeing practice for me. Revisiting painful experiences takes courage!  It’s grueling work.  As I write out the hurt, the anger, the fear, the regrets, and the sorrow, I make discoveries about myself and others.  I challenge and explore my perceptions, my actions, and my mistakes. In those moments of complete honesty and humility, the Lord blesses me with better understanding and more forgiveness for myself and those I love.

Take care of our bodies. Even on a good day, this one is hard, but my mind is calmer and clearer when I eat well, exercise, and breathe. If I resist the call of chocolate and use one of the other tools instead, I make tiny leaps forward.  Handling challenges is much easier with a strong, healthy body. Doing these things for myself reminds me that I matter; I am worth caring for.

Read good books. When I find a great book and do the work suggested, I’m amazed at the insights I discover. Some books that have been beneficial in my healing are:

Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), Great Day Every Day (Max Lucado), Inner Bonding (Margaret Paul), The Artists Way (Julia Cameron), Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend), Mindfulness An Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World (Mark Williams and Danny Penman) This one is best as an audio book.

Listen to uplifting music. Music has magical healing qualities. Uplifting music reaches inside me, brings up my tears, turns my aching heart to my Savior, and reminds me I will survive this latest crisis. My personal recording artist from Heaven is Hilary Weeks. For more than 20 years, she’s been there for me, speaking straight to my heart. I thank God for the gift of her music and testimony.

Here are some of my favorite Christian “fight songs” to try when you need reminding that you can do this crazy hard life.

Hilary Weeks—”Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” “The Beginning” “Brave”

Calee Reed—”The Comeback” “Broken and Beautiful” “Giants Fall”

Mandisa—”Stronger” “Overcomer” “Say Goodbye “

Hold on to the truths we know. Though it’s sometimes painful, going to church and attending the temple always bless me. Studying the Book of Mormon and General Conference talks has been a strength to me throughout my life and is a source of comfort and guidance in the dark. In the Book of Mormon, fasting is mentioned in close connection with mourning, and fasting has brought the Comforter close in my grieving. I’ve found hidden treasures during Topical Guide searches on trust, fear, joy, and hope. I feel hope as I read about faithful people who have gone through painful experiences. Their stories are resolved, their lessons learned.  I’m in the middle right now, but like those who’ve come before me, trusting in the Lord, I will have a victorious ending.

“…Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

Practice gratitude. Life is still beautiful.  When I focus on all that is right and good and sweet in my life, noticing the miracles and blessings all around me, I feel the love of my Savior and know I will be OK.

 “My brothers and sisters, it is my promise to you that increasing your faith in the Lord Jesus Christ will bring you added strength and greater hope. For you, the righteous, the Healer of our souls, in His time and His way, will heal all your wounds. No injustice, no persecution, no trial, no sadness, no heartache, no suffering, no wound—however deep, however wide, however painful—will be excluded from the comfort, peace, and lasting hope of Him whose open arms and whose wounded hands will welcome us back into His presence.” Neil A. Anderson

Everyone is waiting for something. 

Children can’t wait to be grown-ups (so they can do whatever they want).

Teenagers anxiously await driving, dating, and graduating.

Adults wait for jobs, houses, spouses, children, and financial security.

Working people wait for retirement (so they can do whatever they want).

Parents wait and hope for one good night’s sleep and a moment for themselves.

Grandparents longingly await a call, an email, or a visit from their children and loved ones.

We wait for change, and we wait for the change to be over.

We all wait, expecting our best-laid plans to come about.  

 Three years ago, my plans for the future, scenarios I had imagined and hoped for, basically imploded when my husband of 30 years announced he was leaving me to find happiness somewhere else.  I was 50 years old, had 2 children (12 and 17 years old) at home, my widowed mother living with me, 5 grown children, and 2 grandchildren.  My 17-year-old son moved in with his dad, whittling my household down to me, Mom, and my 12-year-old daughter.  I had been a busy wife and mother of 7 children for many years.  Now my large family home had three empty bedrooms, and the dining table that seated 9, had 3 places set for dinner. My heart grieved every empty chair. 

At first, my only job was to survive, one day, one hour, one breath at a time.  I relied on the tender mercies of the Lord, and He never failed me.  After a while, the waiting began.  Waiting to feel like me again.  Waiting to feel strong enough for whatever comes.  Waiting for my new purpose to present itself.  Waiting and wondering who I am now and what my future will look like. 

I determined not to simply wait around, but to “wait on the Lord.”  I put oil in my own lamp, one tiny drop at a time, and looked for small ways to bless others. I tried to be compassionate to myself when the only service I could muster, at times, was a smile or hug in the hallway at church. I prayed constantly, seeking to know which direction God wanted me to go.  Sometimes He seemed quiet, not answering, not showing me. At those times, I was impatient and pushed for answers. During my more humble moments, I felt Him gently admonishing me to wait and trust.  

In my waiting place, I read Wait and See by Wendy Pope.  The author refers to our waiting as “God’s pause.”  This really resonated with me. I had been looking at it all wrong, and trying, as always, to figure it all out, roll up my sleeves, and get to work on it.  But my loving Father in Heaven had a better, kinder plan.  He was letting me pause, wait, heal.  

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

This!  This was the reason for God’s pause in my life. I needed my strength renewed; I did feel weary.  I could even look forward to one day being able to soar! Instead of feeling frustrated and abandoned, I felt loved and nurtured.  I didn’t have to stress, worry, and obsessively map it all out myself. What an amazing blessing. He already has a plan for me and has perfectly prepared the way.

“For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him.” (Isaiah 64:4)

We are always somewhere on the waiting continuum.  In my current pause, it helps me to acknowledge, and be grateful for, many of the things I waited for earlier in my life, when babies, toddlers, and teenagers took 95% of my time and energy.  After years of waiting, I now enjoy:

• Time and quiet to rest when I’m tired
• Opportunities to spend time with friends
• More time to attend the temple
• Time to take care of myself
• Being a normal, healthy weight
• Quiet, unrushed study time every day
• My very own space in my house

I’m also truly thankful that, although I feel like I have so many unanswered questions about my life now and in the future, some direction has already been given, and pathways illuminated.  I’ve been led to doctors, counselors, friends, and books that have taught me and supported me in my journey.  I’m following a prompting to write and share my experiences and testimony of my Savior. Little by little, I’m trying to become who He wants me to be and finding peace in this process.

What if we could find joy in the pause—the waiting? What if we could embrace change and let go of the need for control and certainty?  What if we could fully trust God to finish all he has started in our lives and make all things work for our good?  What if we could hold on to the hope, despite all the hiccups in our own plans? Life would be infinitely sweeter.

“Our soul waiteth for the Lord: he is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in him, because we have trusted in his holy name. Let thy mercy, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hope in thee.” (Psalm 33:20-22)

It’s not easy to wait. I don’t always remember to be patient and appreciate the pauses, but when I’m my best self, I recognize waiting as a loving gift from God. He’s giving me this time to heal, stabilize, and discover my new normal.  He’s blessing me with a space to explore nature, enjoy friends and family, and grow spiritually. He’s helping me celebrate the fact that some of my waiting is already over. He’s leading me to the people and tools that are preparing me for all He has planned for me.  All I need to do is trust and wait on Him.