“Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us…

“Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God.” Sherry L. Dew

 Our thoughts and hearts are turned to mothers today. For me, today’s thoughts are much like the last few weeks’ reflections, since things have settled down a little for me and I’ve felt my mom often near me. I think of her with sweet longing, miss her with aching heart, and regret lost opportunities with anguish. Mostly, I feel her happiness, for herself and for me. What a tender mercy to know there is peace and happiness after the troubles and trial of this life.

My musings also include my daughter, who’s about to bring her fourth child into this crazy world. It’s scary for me, even though I know the plan of happiness, which was designed and is directed by our Father in Heaven. I’m in awe of the faith and courage she exhibits in welcoming a new little one to her busy, complicated, overflowing-with-life household. I know these valiant children are coming to help gather Israel and prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Savior; they’ll be armed, just like each of us have been, with all they’ll need.

Today I’m also truly thankful for grandmothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, counselors, and dear, dear friends who have mothered me, whether it be difficult days or delightful ones, when I’ve needed nurturing and someone with whom to share. One mother isn’t able to fulfill all those needs in her child, though that is likely her fondest wish. I’m thankful God is way ahead of us and provides us “a village” of loving women, from all walks of life, to listen, understand, encourage, and even call us out when we need it. They teach us by their example, comfort us with their embraces, and strengthen us through their faith. They remind us we matter.

There have been many such women throughout my life.

• Grandmas and Auntie Jo spoiling me and reminding me I’m special
• Family friends and babysitting families, when I was young, watching and learning from their mothering
• Seminary teachers and youth leaders, I admired as a teen
• Friends who reached out and stuck around, in young motherhood, even though I barely had time or energy for a phone conversation (before texting existed)
• Counselors who care, beyond the job, who hear me, teach me, and help me forgive and love myself
• Daughters, any age, who are friends, confidants, and great snuggle buddies
• Friends, young or old, with children or without children, married or single, I’ve met and gathered through life’s changes and challenges, who offer their shoulders to cry on and their hearts to hold me
• Sisters, sweet sisters, who see the best in me, stick by me, and believe in me no matter what

It’s humbling to consider all the women who’ve influenced and blessed me, and who continue to be a strength to me as I walk through the rest of my life without my own mother by my side. I wish I could name every single one of them, many who are still here and still fill my heart with love, but I would inevitably leave someone out, so I won’t name names, but I pray they know who they are. I’m grateful. I feel loved. Thank you.

My last contemplation on this Mother’s Day is the blessing of knowing that I have a Heavenly Mother. I think of Her often. I imagine Her to be perfected in all that I, as a mother, aspire to. I’m sure she is the most tender, gentle, wise, compassionate, loving, patient, nurturing, strong, capable, brave, faithful, and hopeful woman we could imagine. Like my own earthly mother, I’m sure She watches over me and believes in me. It’s sweet to think on these things on this Mother’s Day.

“In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.”

Eliza R. Snow

Happy Mother’s Day to all women, and especially my incredible village. I love you.

Visit Hilary Weeks’ website here to hear a beautiful song, “Mama You Matter.”

“Fear, which can come upon people in difficult days, is a principal weapon in the arsenal which Satan uses to make mankind unhappy. He who fears loses strength for the combat of life in the fight against evil. Therefore the power of the evil one always tries to generate fear in human hearts. In every age and in every era, mankind has faced fear.” Howard W. Hunter

It seems to me that most people have their “thorn in the side” weaknesses, which they work on throughout their lives with seemingly little success in the overcoming department. One of my “thorns” is fear, a familiar nemesis. Though fear is a blessing and protection provided by our Creator to help keep us safe, when it becomes an indulgence, it can be a great source of pain and an impediment to progress. My brain automatically thinks first of all the things that could go wrong, in any given situation. It worries. Overthinks. This can actually be good in the problem-solving arena; I agonizingly work through all the issues, and often come up with a good plan, but it’s exhausting for me and usually annoying for everyone around me.

Those of us who experience anxiety and fear may do things others feel are irrational or stupid, in our quest to find comfort of some kind. It would be loving (and greatly appreciated) to refrain from judging or belittling others’ coping mechanisms, strange as they may seem. Hoarding, crying, cleaning, panicking, hiding, binge-watching tv, eating (uggggg eating), and many other coping behaviors, healthy or not, are most likely the best we can do at that moment. Messages of love and support, or offers of help, go a long way towards stabilizing, while harsh judgment and mockery increase the pain and fear.

“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

“Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;” Doctrine and Covenants 50:40-41 

I’ve pondered, many times, the account in the scriptures of Peter walking on the water with the Lord.  I fully relate to Peter’s faith and joy in successfully moving toward Jesus, only to be overtaken by fear of the tumultuous waves so near.  I love knowing that although the Lord chides Peter, “Wherefore didst thou doubt?” He, nevertheless, immediately, lovingly reaches down and lifts him up, always loving, always patient.

“God knows that you are not perfect, that you will fail at times.  God loves you no less when you struggle than when you triumph.” Deiter F. Uchtdorf

This week, as the messages poured in from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints with instructions about not gathering as members, and the news carried moment-by-moment information of closures and spreading of COVID-19, my heart began to increase in fear and anxiety.  My head started to spin.  I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I felt disoriented, increasingly alone, and helpless.  Then I received a text from my bishop asking ward members to please reach out to our ministering families and check on them.  As I began texting those I minister to, my heart immediately calmed. I was focused entirely on loving them, seeing to their comfort and safety. I recognized the dramatic difference and made a mental note: this is how to use this situation to become more like the Savior.  Everything we experience in this life is for that purpose, after all.

“…remember the words of John: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” If we simply love God and love our neighbors, we are promised that we will overcome our fears.” L. Tom Perry

I’m prepared, I don’t need to fear, and I can help those who may not be prepared or have a firm foundation in Christ.  Times of crisis often soften and open hearts.  I want to “be ready always to give an answer” for the hope I feel and to share what helps me be calm, and even happy, during such difficult times. Over the last couple of days, studying the scriptures, doing topical guide searches, such as fear, hope, and peace, writing my blog, reaching out to friends and neighbors, looking for ways to make church fulfilling for my daughter and I, preparing healthy meals, and video chatting with my grandson, who was sad about cancelled skateboarding lessons, all brought light and happy feelings, completely opposite of the heavy, dark feelings of fear.

“Faith, hope, and charity—these three great pillars of the gospel are the great antidote to confusion, doubt, and fear. As you deepen your commitment to these principles and practices, you will feel the Lord’s Spirit in your life, and you will begin to feel your load lighten. Your life will become much happier as you seek to lift the spirits of those around you.” Mark D. Ogletree

In our current world situation, crisis even, most people have a measure of fear.  Satan wants to use this to isolate us.  What’s more isolating, than self-isolation?  Yes, we’re pulling away from physical interaction with others to help keep more people safe, but there are still hundreds of ways to reach out and increase the feelings of community and solidarity, even in our physical isolation. We’re blessed with something those who suffered during previous ages didn’t have—technology, which allows us not only to talk and text, but to see each other and even virtually gather.  

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…to comfort all that mourn…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3

After receiving a stunning plant, with a blooming orchid, I thanked my dear friend for the thoughtful gift, and she replied, “I think beauty is a salve for a hurting heart.” I can attest to the truthfulness of this statement as we have received bounteous beauty, in response to the sorrowful time we experienced with my mom, and the sweet feelings of comfort they’ve provided.  Love and sympathy have been expressed with colorful, fragrant blooms of many varieties, a charming, personal work of art, poetic words and graceful artwork on cards, and the most beautiful and healing of all—loving, smiling faces, sometimes with a tear of sympathy in the eye.

As I’ve considered the abundant beauty all around me, and how it truly is a salve for my hurting heart, I’ve felt humbled and grateful, once again, for the wisdom and mercy of our Father in Heaven.  He has planned for everything.  There’s no surprises to Him, no last-minute contingencies. In the beginning He created this world: the plants and flowers, the streams and waterfalls, the beaches and mountains, the deserts and rainforests. He designed the bounty of fascinating creatures that roam the earth, from the amazing giraffe to the strong and graceful horse and every varied, interesting animal in the water, sky, and around the globe. He placed beauty everywhere the eye can see.

“Indeed, all truth, both spiritual and temporal, testifies of Him. When we learn to read the ‘signs, and wonders, and types, and shadows’ properly, with the eyes of faith, we will realize that all of history, all of science, all of nature, all divinely revealed knowledge of any sort, testifies of Him. He is the very personification of truth and light, of life and love, of beauty and goodness. All that He did was done out of love.” Alexander B. Morrison

Many times, I’ve relaxed on the sand of a favorite California beach, breathing deeply of the salty air, feeling the gentle breeze tousle my hair, hearing the rushing in and retreating of the cascading waves. It soothes my soul in a unique way, bringing me comfort and joy. When I can’t be there, I try to recreate that beauty, from my memory, visualizing all those calming, comforting sensations. It feels like a picture-perfect scene created just for me.

At home, clear blue skies and brilliant sunshine warm my body and soul, helping me feel God’s love and comfort. Cottony, white clouds blowing by, or orange and red sunsets, are awe-inspiring beauty, which humbles me and reminds me there’s a great and powerful God who lovingly provides all this for us to enjoy.  As I headed home from Utah yesterday, I was a little anxious about driving in the rain.  As we neared home, however, half of the sky was dark gray, rain clouds, while the other half was bright blue.  I excitedly told my son, “Look for the rainbow!” Soon he spied it—a magical double rainbow, full of ancient promise.

The temple, up on the hill, sparkling in the sunlight or glowing in the night, welcomes us with its beauty. Many exquisite flowers and plants, on the temple grounds, are lovingly tended, adding to its welcoming feeling. There is also manmade beauty, inspired by the Lord. Every intricate detail of our sacred temples is made gloriously in praise to our God, whose house it is.  Each lovely painting, elegant piece of furniture, delicate carving, and magnificent chandelier speak beauty, granting peace and reminding us to ponder the glory of God.

“As I think of temples, my thoughts turn to the many blessings we receive therein. As we enter through the doors of the temple, we leave behind us the distractions and confusion of the world. Inside this sacred sanctuary, we find beauty and order. There is rest for our souls and a respite from the cares of our lives.” Thomas S. Monson

I’m thankful for the Lord’s gifts of beauty all around us and the reminder they are of His love, power, and grace. He is able to change the clouds to sunshine, and sorrow to rejoicing. Only He can change our hearts and make us new.

“…No matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone. And when He atoned, that settled that. There are so many of us who are thrashing around, as it were, with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape. You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.” Boyd K. Packer

This week I’ve had the blessing of reminiscing about the life of my dear Mother, Jackie McEwen, and the influence she’s had on me and my family. I don’t remember much when I was very little, but recently when going through old photos, I found pictures of Mom with us girls, when we were young. Mom told me many times how much she loved being pregnant and having a tiny baby. (She made it sound easy and fun.) She was excited and happy for each of her three children to join her family. I was especially touched by the pictures of her down on the floor with us.

I remember going shopping at Kmart with Mom. She loved to shop and buy clothes for her girls. That’s where I first learned about “layaway.” We had some fun dates to get our hair cut, too. Afterward, we’d go downtown and have corned beef on rye at our favorite deli, or barbeque sandwiches at Love’s.

Mom was smart and witty, with a great sense of humor. She was fun to be around. She listened to Credence Clearwater Revival, The Grass Roots, and lots of country music, including Kenny Rogers and Crystal Gayle. Once, when we were young adults, we all went to an Oak Ridge Boys’ concert. We had fun singing, “Giddy up oom poppa omm poppa mow mow.” She used to listen to the music loud in the car and push the brake pedal to the beat. She liked hosting neighborhood parties and dancing on the back patio. Our high school friends liked Mom and thought she was cool.

Mom enjoyed vacationing. She and Dad went on several cruises and always came back happy and tan. They also made it to Hawaii once. Mom’s favorite vacation has always been staying at the beach in Carpinteria. I have fond memories of many years of beach trips, with the whole family, including Grandma and Grandpa. Sometimes we stayed at the condos right on the sand; we just climbed three steps and were on the beach! It was such a fun and carefree time for us girls, and we got to spend a lot of time with Mom and Dad up there. Grandma would make chili or tacos, with root beer. We’d walk to “The Spot” for hamburgers and up the street to the drugstore for treats. Grandpa loved sitting up on the beach in the evenings and was so happy and peaceful there.

Mom continued to love the beach more than any other place on earth. She went every year until she left us. Her cousin, Pam, shared that passion with her, and they spent many vacations up there together. In the last few years, we all enjoyed time up there with her, keeping watch over her, including her sister, Jo, and her cousin, Vikki.  Mom had just been to Carpinteria a couple of months before her illness. My sister, Kris, spent a week with her, as she always loved doing, and my other sister, Heidi, was able to join her for the first time.  It was a tender blessing for them to have that special time together.

Mom was close with her own family. She spent a lot of time with her parents and brother and sister. We spent many holidays and Christmases all together, with yummy food, Grandma’s homemade treats, and presents all over the place. Auntie Jo had a pool, and there was always fun and hilarity at family gatherings.

Mom and Grandma took us girls on trips to Washington to see the great grandparents and great aunts and uncles. One time we took the train, which was really fun and exciting. I remember having a bag of things to do, like word puzzles and books. In Olympia, Washington, where they lived, we ran all around their huge wooded property and rode in a golf-cart-like vehicle. Sometimes it snowed! They had a cow, which was a novelty to us city kids. One year when we were there, Kris had a horrible allergy attack from the hay and couldn’t breathe. Another time, I was sleep walking in the middle of the night and fell down the stairs. We were both fine, but now I think, poor Mom! That must have been terrifying. The family there played cards, which Mom loved. Pinochle was her favorite, and they played for hours at a time while we were visiting. I sat and watched the grown-ups while they played.  I learned how to play, as a teenager, and sometimes they let me join in.  These last few years, Mom occasionally joined the kids and I for card games. The kids were surprised and amused at her competitive nature and sassiness during the games.  She played for fun, but wanted to win!

Mom was epically good at ping-pong. She had a unique way of holding her paddle, and she was incredibly consistent. She just got every ball back. Dad was so good at all sports, that he found it a little hard to constantly lose to Mom at ping-pong. There’s an infamous story of Mom once again beating him and hearing the paddle clatter against the door just after she walked through on her way out.

When we were kids, Mom worked a lot. She was very conscientious and took responsibilities seriously. She was talented at her job as a keypunch operator. She was lightning-fast. She and Dad ran their own business for a while. Grandma used to come and stay with us, during that time, in a room downstairs. I loved when she came. I missed my mom when she worked, but now I realize how much she did, working all day then coming home and making dinner, helping with homework and school stuff, and all the other things we needed. Mom continued to work until we were grown. She worked so hard, and worried so much, she eventually had a kind of mental breakdown and couldn’t work anymore. That’s when the second half of her life began.

It took a long time for Mom to recover from the stress she’d been under. Dad took over everything and began taking care of Mom in a different and tender way. I think it helped him that she needed him more, and he rose to the occasion. We’ve always been thankful he was so good to our mom. He adored her and would do anything for her. He called her his “sweet companion” and his “Dearie Face.”

Mom was a sports fan. She and Dad enjoyed watching all kinds of sporting events together. She never missed the Olympics. Her all-time favorite sport to watch was tennis, and Dad was a good sport about letting her have her idols, like Edberg and Federer. He even let her hang a poster of Edberg in the garage and “I heart Federer” stickers here and there.  They had a great time attending a tournament in Palm Springs a few times. After Dad died, Mom said she really missed discussing and watching the sports stuff with him.

Mom loved being “Gramma.” She totally embraced that role and it brought her so much joy. Her email was Grammaof12 and she had Gramma stuff all over her room. She adored the babies. The majority of the photos I have are pictures of Mom with the grandchildren. She read thousands of books to them, let them spend the night, attended their performances and tennis matches, wrote to them on their missions, and wanted to hear all about their lives and adventures. She and Dad were a huge part of their lives, especially when they were little.

Mom developed a passion for cross-stitching, after she retired. She had the skills and the patience to do the most intricate patterns. She made hundreds of beautiful projects and hung them all over her house. Doing that work with her hands helped her be calm and feel productive. She worked on projects up until her last month, when her brain would no longer do that anymore. About that time, I sat with her and helped her get the threads all labeled and ready, and watched as she tried to work on a new project.  She had trouble, but she didn’t get upset. She stitched and tore out one section several times.  She just kept at it. She didn’t complain or get frustrated. She told me that when she was younger, she used to get really upset if something went wrong, but she learned to just expect it and know that she could go back and fix it. Last year she did a project with a cute little grandma and grandpa.  After completing the entire piece, which was pretty big, she decided she didn’t love the color scheme, so she chose her own colors and did the entire project again.  It turned out beautifully. Near the end of her life, she moved her hands when she was kind of somewhere else in her mind. One time I asked her what she was holding (because her finger and thumb were touching) and she said, “The needle.” Immediately I could see, in her motions, that she was stitching and pulling on the thread. She was still cross-stitching in her head right up to the end. I love that.

Mom liked puzzles—all kinds. She sometimes did jigsaw puzzles and had stretches of time where she’d do tons of crossword puzzles. Later in life, she learned to do sudoku puzzles and liked the quick little challenge of those. I got her a couple of easy sudoku books when she was sick, and she could still work those until the last weeks. She would get a little frustrated that her brain wouldn’t work the way it used to, but she kept a good sense of humor about it. She’d say, “It’s taking me all day to do this puzzle!” but she kept at it. I think her love of puzzles kept her brain strong. Until the last few days, she was alert and would smile and joke with us. Until the very end, she knew us still, and heard our words of love and gratitude.

The things mom loved-she really loved!  Tennis, giraffes, Tweety bird, cross-stitch, and most of all her family. She thought about her family all the time. She was a worrier and prayed for her loves constantly. She missed her sweetheart every day.  After Dad died, Mom learned to love and appreciate him so much more. She shared, many times, that she wished she’d let the little annoyances and differences go when he was still here. The beautiful part was, she loved him better each passing year and wanted to be with him more than ever. During her last week, she wanted me to be with her all the time. When she woke, she would call for me.  Sometimes, she would call, “Jenny?…Daddy?” I knew she was calling for my Dad, who she called “Daddy” or “Grandpa.” I know he’s been close by all these years, but especially during these last hard months. I felt like Mom was torn between her love for family here and family on the other side.  On a particularly hard day she said, “I bet Grandpa’s getting excited that I’m coming soon.”

Mom and I had talks about dying and what it meant. She knew I thought leaving this life and going to Heaven was the best thing ever. She said she didn’t know if she felt the same way about it because we all talked about Dad going on and continuing his work on the other side.  She didn’t want to go to work; she was so worn out.  I shared with her the scripture in Alma 40:11-12,

“…the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body…whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.”

She liked the sound of that. She had a firm faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Her grandparents taught her about Jesus when she was little, and she’d always believed in Him. She loved having pictures of Jesus around her, especially the last few weeks. She did several detailed cross stitch projects of the Savior. In the last one she completed, His hands reached out to her.  She asked us to hang that where she could see it from her bed. She loved Him and knew He loved her.

We were blessed to be able to say goodbye to Mom gradually, much in the same way we did with Dad. We were given the opportunity to serve her and show her how much she’s loved. She became very sweet and childlike during her last months. She was extra loving and grateful, telling us all how much she loved us. It was a sweet and tender blessing to see this side of her heart and feel that connection and closeness before she left us. Though there’s a giant hole in our lives where our Mom was, we’re thankful her pain and worldly cares are over. We’re joyful that Mom and Dad are no longer apart and can be together forever.

Because of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can live again with our families, when this life is over. It’s not the end. I know this is true—I’ve felt my sweet parents comforting me and lending me strength. Their love still lives on. We celebrated the gift of Christ’s atonement, resurrection, and eternal life as we saw mom’s body, but not her spirit, placed in the ground with Dad’s, to come forth again in the resurrection. Families can be together forever.

“It is… through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means.” Bible Dictionary, Grace

I’ve been reminded many times this week of the feelings I had when becoming a mother for the first time. The utter joy of holding my precious baby close for the first time, my wonder at the miracle of it, and most specifically, my complete terror at the knowledge that I was responsible for the well-being—even survival—of this tiny, cherished human.  I questioned my own ability to handle it. At first, I was hypervigilant, listening to every breath, jumping at every cry. It’s an overwhelming feeling which takes faith and courage to face and even embrace. Those same feelings of fear and inadequacy have been swirling in my heart as I’ve been caring for my dear mother, who has become largely dependent on me to help her with all her needs. Through the grace of my Savior, as she has rapidly lost her strength, mine has increased to allow me to care for her and meet her needs.

“As time passes, the world grows more challenging, and our physical capacities slowly diminish with age. It is clear that we will need more than human strength. The Psalmist was right: ‘But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble.’” Henry B. Eyring

During challenges and trials, the outside world fades into the background, as what matters most comes sharply into focus. Our time and energy resources have to be carefully rationed. At times, especially in the quiet, darkness of night, it feels like everything depends on me, like I’m all alone, like I’m not enough for what is required of me. As I cry to my Heavenly Father, I’m immediately, lovingly reminded that I’m never alone. He’s there. I can trust Him. I can give it all to Him. During those dark moments, He also reminds me to let others help, as well.

“God knew the challenges [Adam and Eve] would face, and He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets (and later apostles) to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near.” Jeffrey R.  Holland

This week after an ER ordeal, where we gave up and came home, and an aborted trek to the oncologist, because mom couldn’t tolerate the pain of sitting up, Mom has chosen to forgo treatments and intervention and stay home with me, to be as comfortable as possible. With teamwork from family, friends, and home hospice care, we pray we can help her have peace.

I’ve felt very close to the Spirit during this time of sorrow and struggle. It‘s amazing to me that even during agonizing heartbreak, seeing her suffer, knowing she will leave us soon, there is also a sweet, deeply connecting sharing of our souls. There are precious moments of understanding, conversation, prayers together, and comforting each other.  There has been tremendously increased love, service, and healing in our family. Miracles have happened and joy has increased, despite the pain. Only God can make that happen. His plan isn’t always clear or easy, but it’s always loving. Many times we don’t see the beauty, the gifts, because we are consumed with the seeming injustice and agony of what we’re dealing with.  But it’s there. It’s not in vain, and it’s not unjust.  We become more one—more His—as we endure these battles together.

Jesus suffered everything. He made us His through that suffering. He became more one with His Father. We all became an eternal family through His pain and sacrifice, though we don’t fully understand it.  When our dear Savior was “sore amazed” at the intensity of the pain, and his soul was “exceedingly sorrowful unto death,” there “appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.”  I love that so much, and I wonder who was gifted that supreme calling to comfort our Lord and Redeemer in His hour of need.

“…I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

Besides the incomparable gift of the Comforter, and the knowledge of the eternal nature of life and families, I’ve also been blessed by the help of angels, both heavenly and earthly. We’ve had angels bringing flowers or homemade bread, driving far—leaving family—to be with us, mailing sweet, hand-written messages, praying for us, dropping everything to bring me something at the hospital, loading a truck with my DI, making a scripture quilt, dropping off medical supplies, giving my daughter rides, grocery shopping, and painting a picture.  I’ve had many texts with messages of love and encouragement and sharing of personal stories, and many willing to listen to my heartache. Next week we already have angels planning travels to visit and another bringing a meal. My heart, though taking a beating from the surprising and varied blows Mom endures each day, is swollen with joy and gratitude for the angels in my life who have appeared, strengthening me. Thank you. I love you.

“Heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind…

“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.” Jeffrey R. Holland

“Much that is good, much that is essential—even sometimes all that is necessary for now—can be achieved in less than ideal circumstances.” D. Todd Christofferson

The last month has been a difficult one. My sisters and I have faced some new challenges in the care of our mom.  Life can change so suddenly.  I was busy planning and preparing for our move, coming up in a few months, when I found myself needing to rearrange schedules, living spaces, and priorities to better watch over Mom. Sometimes life narrows down to a few necessities, and other interests and responsibilities have to be reorganized, delegated, or placed on the back burner for a time. During those times, it’s not easy to keep a clear perspective. We get tunnel vision; all we can see is what’s right in front of us, demanding our attention. Everything feels overwhelming, too much, more than our seemingly small capacity to handle. That’s when we need to ask the Lord to show us the bigger picture and let Him light our way in the darkness.

“All of us, at times in our lives, are completely overwhelmed by our life circumstance or by what we’re asked to do…as we’re consistent in doing the small and simple things, and as we’re trying to seek revelation and going through that work and that process, as we rely on Jesus Christ and His Grace…we will be made equal to those things that we’re being asked to do.” Michelle Craig

This morning, I opened my 2019 calendar and wrote down some of the highlights of the year. After this last month, I’ve found myself feeling like I’d had a rather hard year, but after going over my calendar, I was amazed at the stunning array of blessings and milestones I’d enjoyed (and survived) this year. In a moment, my perspective widened, and I was reminded that seasons change, life surprises us, and through it all, the Lord walks beside us and makes it all for our good.

2019 was filled with love from friends. One cherished friend set aside time to call every week to check in and share the week’s victories and vexations. While we spoke of family and faith, with tears both of heartbreak and laughter, we shouldered the weight of one another’s burdens and they became lighter. One Saturday morning, I was chauffeured to breakfast by loving friends, ministering to me and listening with open hearts. I enjoyed a fabulous girls’ weekend eating healthy food, talking, playing, and strengthening our spirits, with three wonderful, wise ladies. I spent time in the living room of a dear friend, a wonderful listener, who lifted me with her tender care. There have been countless texts, encouraging messages, hugs at church, Facebook comments of support and love, and even packages mailed, throughout the year, from friends who add sweetness to my life.

The year was also blessed by family time.  I spent time with every one of my children and grandchildren multiple times this year. I visited their homes, celebrated a baptism, offered and received help and comfort, shared hotel rooms and meals, received Priesthood blessings, squashed into cars for outings, welcomed them to bring noise, messes, and laughter to my home, went on temple trips, and met new loves.  I had a laughter-filled, many-times-postponed, sister trip, and was thrilled that both my daughter and my sister moved close to me again.

There were some epic milestones for me in 2019. I started my blog and wrote every single week the entire year. I successfully planned and executed my first long-anticipated, fondly-remembered DisneyWorld excursion with my youngest daughter, complete with Harry Potter World (after she read me the entire series), all four Disney parks, and an Orlando Airport debacle. I sold my well-loved, big, family home and purchased a new, smaller home not far away. I survived my youngest daughter’s ten days away with friends and her driving permit and lessons, including rush hour on Jones Boulevard. I achieved 100% debt-freeness! I fulfilled a dream, becoming a temple ordinance worker, which is even better than I imagined.

This year, my Christmas present, from my thoughtful children, was a big jar filled with slips of paper with happy or funny thoughts, memories, and pictures of my children and grands printed on them.  I’m supposed to pull one out each day for a smile. I cheat. Of course, I do! No way can I wait a whole year to open them all, plus I love reading them over and over. This precious gift is another reminder that, although life may become challenging, there is incredible love, light, and laughter too. The rough patches in life tend to hijack our thoughts, causing us to lose perspective; however, when we take the opportunity to see the bigger picture, blessings are everywhere, and love is abundant. Knowing I’m here to learn and grow, I cling to my covenants and cherished promises, trusting the Lord with my life and the lives of those I love.

“With an understanding of God’s plan of salvation, we know that the rejoicing, the striving, the suffering, the tutoring, and the enduring experiences of life all play their part in an intelligible process of helping us, if we will, to become, as the Savior beckoningly invited, ‘even as I am.’” Neal A. Maxwell