There are many things I don’t understand in my perception of what the Lord’s plan is and how it’s all going to come to pass, but the one thing I know for certain is that I am a daughter of Heavenly parents and they know me and love me, as an individual. I have had this testimony strengthened many times as my prayers have been answered and I see the tiny or huge miracles I am so often blessed with. 

Knowing that I am loved perfectly helps me as I learn to love myself.  When a man asked the Lord which of the commandments was the most important, “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

To me, it seems clear that if we want to love others, we must love ourselves.  This may seem obvious or silly, but I don’t think most of us love ourselves very well.  I’m way harsher and more judgmental with myself than with anyone else, and I don’t forgive myself as quickly. I talk to myself in mean, discouraging ways when I don’t always get it “right.” That’s not loving. I know Jesus wouldn’t treat me the way I often treat myself. He is forgiving, encouraging, and kind. Loving others and serving them seems to come easier than loving ourselves.

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we often hear that the Savior taught, “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.” In his October 2009 General Conference talk, President Thomas S. Monson said of this scripture: “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.”

I’ve read that quote over many times.  I understand it to mean that we are not required to literally serve to death, but we’ll become happier and more like our Savior as we do serve others and not live only for ourselves.  However, I think we sometimes do the opposite; we live only for others and forget to nurture ourselves.

When I was a young wife and harried homeschooling mother, busy in church callings, I was barely able to make it through each day. I didn’t take care of myself.  I didn’t think I had the time and knew I didn’t have the energy. I gave everything away every single day.  Year after year.   I couldn’t understand why I became more and more depressed and anxious.  I felt guilty saying no to more requests and wanted to hide so nobody could ask me.  I felt resentful of all the demands on me, instead of finding joy in serving.  I wondered why “losing myself in service” wasn’t helping me save my life. I was finally forced to take better care of myself, or live unable to function well.  I had to let go of non-essential tasks and check in to see if I was doing things for family members, young and old, that they should be doing for themselves. I had to learn to listen to my heart and my body and say no when I was at my limit. It was difficult. I worried about being selfish.  I struggled with my inability to serve as much as I wanted to or used to. I had to remind myself of ways I was already serving, especially in my own home.

 President James E. Faust said, “Serving others can begin at almost any age. … It need not be on a grand scale, and it is noblest within the family.”

I’m certain God doesn’t want us to work ourselves to death serving our families and others.  He cares about our bodies and our health.  In the scriptures He tells us, “ye are the temple of God, and…the Spirit of God dwelleth in you.” He has blessed us with the Word of Wisdom to teach us what’s best for our bodies, and He instructs us in The Doctrine and Covenants “to retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.” He’s given us the Sabbath day to rest from our labors and be refreshed.

Another aspect of being healthy concerns our emotional and spiritual well-being. Self-reliance is a significant focus in the church today.  For many years, we have been encouraged to have food and money reserves for emergencies, and current self-reliance instruction includes increasing emotional and spiritual reserves as well. Like the five wise virgins, we need to continually fill our own lamps. Nobody can do that for us.  Then, during times when we’re required to give all we’ve got, we survive those storms without drowning—and needing to be rescued ourselves.  

“And see that all these things are done is wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.” Mosiah 4:27

It’s our job to discover how to be both healthy and diligent in serving, and it’s our responsibility to ensure our own needs are met. I believe the way to find balance is to ask, to seek, to knock. With the Holy Ghost to direct us, we will find a way to practice self-care while also reaching out to serve and bless those around us. Although we all have many of the same basic needs, we are each unique, with individual desires and time and energy constraints, depending on our current circumstances. I sometimes have a challenge not comparing my capacity to serve with anyone else’s. I keep reminding myself, if I listen to the Spirit, I will stay on track.

My self-care currently looks something like this:

• Spiritual feeding with scriptures, prayer, temple, etc.
• Healthy eating, exercise, water
• Quiet time, mediation and breathing exercises, sunshine
• Study and work on emotional health (i.e. counseling, journaling)
• Time developing/using talents

I feel God is pleased with me when I take care of myself.  I feel His love and that I am important to Him. I feel the Spirit more in my daily activities.  I’m discovering that it’s more loving to my family and others to take responsibility for meeting my own needs and having healthy boundaries, than to expect them to fulfill my needs and being resentful when that inevitably doesn’t happen.  I’m also finding that the healthier I become through self-care, the more open-hearted I am to those around me, and better able to diligently, joyfully serve them.

I used to have the missionaries over to dinner fairly regularly.  (I’m going back about 18 years here.) I had three young sons I figured would likely serve missions one day and would need feeding, so I was doing my part in the hopes that someone else would do the same when my missionary boys were poor and hungry.  I had 6 children back then and was homeschooling 4 of them.  Before I had any children, I used to enjoy hosting a small party or inviting someone to dinner, but by this time, having anyone over to my home caused me enormous anxiety.  I’m not sure exactly why (besides perfectionism), but that’s the reality.  When the feed-the-missionaries calendar was passed around in Relief Society, was I willing to admit that reality? Not a chance. I signed up, wanting to serve, knowing it would be good for my children to interact with the missionaries, and not wanting to look like a heartless slacker. Immediately remorse set in.  I started worrying about what I was going to feed them, how we would squeeze in two more chairs around the full table, and when I would have time to get the extra-special groceries. On the actual day of the “event,” the kids were either ignored or grumped at, as I frantically tried to get school completed and put away, the whole house cleaned (because we know 19 year old guys are picky about spotless floors and bathrooms), and a delicious home-cooked meal—including dessert—ready on time (because we also know missionaries are famous for punctuality). I took breaks to hide in my closet and cry. The kids loved seeing the missionaries, but afterwards I always felt enormous guilt and sadness, giving myself a Bad Mom Award, for my complete freakout all day. Mom fail. After years of this pattern, I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn’t host missionary dinners anymore.  Even though I felt guilty about that, I felt worse about the Bad Mom Awards piling up.

Why did it cause me such anguish to admit that I couldn’t do this? To pass that calendar by without adding my name to it? I didn’t want people to know I flip out about such a simple thing. So many of us spend our lives hiding major parts of who we really are. We live in fear of being our genuine, silly, flawed, messy selves. We want to be—or at least look—perfect. We say and do the things we think will bring approval and love—our most basic human needs.  We try to control how others see and feel about us. It traces back to our beginnings.

Every human parent fails to meet all the needs of a precious child.  Plain and simple.  No matter how much we know or how much we try, our humanness prevents us from being capable of perfection in the parenting arena.  Plus, most of us know next-to-nothing about parenting when we actually become parents.  I, therefore, must conclude that this is the plan.  Any parent knows that children teach us far more than we could ever teach them.  These poor, unsuspecting innocents must be sent here to help us grow and learn.

It follows that no child ever receives all the love and nurturing she needs.  Every one of us has holes inside that weren’t filled, simply because our parents (and their parents) were human and messed up more often than not, even when, bless their hearts, they tried as hard as they could. Hopefully we can recognize this, appreciate their sacrifices for us, and the countless hours and ways they did love and nurture us, and forgive them for the hurt they caused simply because they’re human.

Thankfully, we have Heavenly Parents, and a Savior and Brother, who can fill those holes, if we let them.  They know how to parent perfectly.  They are masters at tough love.  They recognize that we need to be told “no” sometimes.  They understand that letting us struggle teaches us more than rescuing us, even though it’s excruciating to watch a child suffer.  They don’t shame or criticize.  They don’t yell or say mean things (when they’re tired or hungry).  They don’t over-schedule or do the easy thing.  And most of all, they don’t ever, ever give up on us or abandon us. 

Compared to Jesus, I am a spiritual toddler, still learning, not understanding, falling, crying, throwing tantrums, and sometimes being mean to myself.  When I’m struggling, I say things to myself like, “You are so stupid.  Why did you do that again?  Don’t you ever learn? You’re hopeless.” But what I hear when I pray and listen is a loving Father saying, “I love you, no matter what.  You are priceless.  I forgive you.  Keep trying. You can do better. I’m here to help you.”

Of course, as humans, we often don’t know how, or forget, to reach out to that Source of love.  We also don’t realize we can give ourselves the love and approval we need, being gentle and compassionate to ourselves when we mess up or are hurting.  So we are empty.  We look outward to fill the hole.  We end up wearing a mask that hides our vulnerable parts so we can feel, temporarily, the belonging we seek.

When my children were young, some of them would cheat at games.  I couldn’t understand why anyone would do that. I would say, “But you know inside that you didn’t really win, so how can you feel good about that?”  It’s like those high-powered execs on TV who have “yes men” following them around pretending they agree with them and think they’re amazing.  Who would want that, when you know inside that they are just saying what you want to hear because they’re paid to? I began to understand this better one day when having a discussion with a counselor.  I was lamenting the fact that even though I recognize that I’m trying to please, and even though I’m 52 years old, I am still doing things I don’t really want to do, or feel are best, because I want someone’s love and approval.  I’m hiding the real me in an attempt to control how they feel about me and respond to me.  I’m cheating.  How can I feel genuine love and approval when I know I’m not being the real me? 

This understanding helped me see that the only way to truly feel loved is loving and accepting myself as I am right here and now, seeking and feeling Heavenly love, and having the courage to let that be enough.   I can’t control how anyone else sees me or responds to me or feels about me.  I can only control my choices and actions. It’s enough to be the imperfect, genuine me.  I want to be perfect, but since I can’t, I’ll be perfectly real.  No cheating or pleasing. No hiding or pretending. REAL.  Let the chips fall where they may.

Remember I’m of infinite worth

Entreat Heaven’s help

Act in my integrity-be authentic

Let the chips fall…