“Change and decay in all around I see—O, Thou who changest not, abide with me.”

It’s hard to remember a time I wasn’t dealing with a great deal of change. It seems that change is something that’s always with us, in one form or another. I’ve occasionally wished I could have one change at a time, instead of navigating through a storm of changes all at once, but I don’t get to choose most of the timing. So here I am, in the middle of COVID 19 lockdown, moving my family to a new home across town.

I’ve been planning a move and looking at houses for years. Last November, the timing finally felt right, the place felt right, and, as I started the wheels in motion, everything fell into place quickly and easily. It was a miracle to me. It seemed a long-awaited dream of a smaller, more manageable home and a new start, with the opportunity to make new memories, and lay some others to rest, was finally coming true. On the very day I signed the contract for our new house, on the way home in my car, I received the news that my mom might have cancer. While my new house was being built, I was unexpectedly home caring for my mom, who did indeed have widespread and aggressive cancer, and trying to cope with the intensity and sadness of that reality.

There’s no way I ever would have imagined all that occurred in that small window of time.  Although some days, some moments, seemed like an eternity, the time was so short, and in a blink, it seemed, everything changed. I felt confused and disoriented. On one hand, I was the brave woman, filled with hope, planning and envisioning a new space and new opportunities; on the other, I was the overwhelmed caregiver, preparing to say goodbye to my mom for a very long time. My mom—who’d been with me since Dad died six years ago, who’d been nearby my entire life, who’d been a comforting, constant presence these last four years during my divorce and the mournful times that followed—wouldn’t be moving with us. She had her own new start coming. How had everything changed so quickly? From the first suspicion of cancer to a last goodbye, was less than 3 months. From the first possibility of moving, to the blessing of serving my mom for the last time, in all the change and uncertainty, the one constant was the help of the Lord. He was in the details. He never left me comfortless. He walked beside me and held me up when I didn’t think I could make it one more step.

“Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side; With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In ev’ry change He faithful will remain.” 

Here I am, now, sitting in my new home. After all the planning, the details, the packing, the worrying about how the business closures might affect moving, the physical and emotional toll of picking up every part of my life and transferring it to another place, we are here. The house is wonderful, beautiful, and clean, with a place for each of us, and a comfy gathering spot, as well. It’s a dream come true to have everything close—more compact—and…no stairs! This home—like our previous home—will be dedicated to the Lord, invite and welcome the Spirit, and serve as a refuge from a world in chaos. I’m filled with joy, knowing the Lord loves me and has been with me through it all.

“I need Thee every hour, Stay Thou nearby…I need Thee, O, I need Thee.”

It’s been a strange time to live and to relocate. It feels so isolated moving without knowing a soul in our new ward—our church family. We met a few people when we attended, as luck would have it, the week before church gathering was suspended. We cried at our front door, in the home we left, as members of our ward family, dear friends, drove by in a loving, social-distanced parade to wave goodbye, while my daughter’s friend sweetly sang to us on our porch. They’ve been our extended family for 25 years. Though they’re still only 20 minutes away, we feel a bit dislocated. Thankfully, we’re blessed to have a big, supportive family. We couldn’t have even accomplished our move without them. I can’t really express how thankful I am for family members who have been there for us, risked coming out to help us, became professional movers and cable installers, ran errands and did grocery shopping, called and texted and joined in the hubbub, and, most of all, shared in our excitement and happiness, even amidst the trials of a pandemic.  

With the hardest part of the move over, and most of the unpacking done, things are settling down a little. In the quietness, my heart has begun the long process of grieving the loss of my mom.  I was amazed how much I felt her near during my move. I kept some of her things, and having them around me makes me think of her and miss her terribly.  I can feel her happiness for me. So many times I’ve wanted to tell her or show her something I knew she’d enjoy. I still have trouble thinking back on those painful, though often sweet, days of her illness, but that will come. I won’t be alone as I process my pain, and it will be tempered by my treasured knowledge of the eternal nature of families. I’m so grateful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, found in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and temples of God on the earth.

“Fam’lies can be together forever, Through Heav’nly Father’s plan. I always want to be with my own family, And the Lord has shown me how I can.”

I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I know, without a doubt. that our Heavenly Father and His Son, our Savior, have a plan, know what’s happening, and are willing to guide us along every step, if only we ask. Though I’m still reeling a bit from all the changes and feeling the pressure of world conditions like everyone else, I feel hope and joy knowing Jesus has overcome the world. I’m where he wants me to be and He’ll continue to abide with me.

“I need thy presence every passing hour; Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be? Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.”

The greatest example of God’s love for His children is found in the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

I’m the kind of mom who asks my kids to eat before going somewhere, take water with them, check the weather in case they need a sweatshirt, get to bed at a decent hour, text when they get where they’re going, come in and say goodnight when they get home, etc.  Generally, they don’t appreciate this. They don’t see the love behind it.  I love them enough to ask them to take care of themselves and to let me know they’re safe. It seems simple and clear to me, but from their vantage point, not so much. Evidently, it can be annoying to be loved.

Because of these mom feelings, it’s easy for me to see that giving us commandments is one way our Heavenly Father shows His love.  He wants us to be safe. He sees the pitfalls and is helping us avoid them. I’ve always felt the love in His words of counsel and warning, but I know I miss them, sometimes, in other important ways. I have to look for the love, really search for it, in the hard things, but it’s always there. When I make the effort to look, I find it.

Last week was a hard one for me.  My youngest daughter was out of town for the week.  That’s not my favorite because I miss her, and I worry about her.  Don’t tell me all the reasons I shouldn’t; I never claimed to be rational.  She’s my sunshine and when she’s gone, it’s dark.  Hopefully, I get points here, because I let her go, even though I don’t want to. I do try to act rationally, even though I don’t always think rationally. (Patting myself on the back here and saying, “It’s okay.  You’re trying.”)

I had a much-anticipated trip with friends on my calendar near the end of the week, but that seemed eons away.  After a couple of long, sad days, I decided a change of scenery was needed. I headed out to visit another light in my life, a daughter about 6 hours away. It was a struggle. I had trouble shaking the gloom.  To be honest, it’s been dogging me lately. Thankfully, sunshine returned during the laughter-filled time with my sweet daughter.  Hugs, and a meal made by her and hubby, lifted my heart. That short visit was a treasure. I felt the love: the love of my daughter, and the love of my Heavenly Father. What a blessing that He gave me precious children, each of whom bring light and joy into my life. I feel His love through my children.  I know how much I love them—too much to express, sometimes so much it’s hard to bear—and I know His love is even greater. It’s more pure, more complete, more selfless, more knowing.  Just more.  I rely on it, and it never fails.

“Our Heavenly Father’s plan contains the ultimate expressions of true love. All that we hold dear—even our families, our friends, our joy, our knowledge, our testimonies—would vanish were it not for our Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. … The world has witnessed no greater gift, nor has it known more lasting love.” Thomas S. Monson

When I met up with my dear friends on Thursday, it felt like Disneyland, as a kid. Finally! It’s here. Laughter, hugs, talking, more hugs, more talking, some tears, more laughter, repeat. Fun!  (Remember fun?)  Why do we need friends—dear, unbiased, empathetic, non-related, uplifting, funny, wise, serious, food-loving, accepting friends—so much? They help us let go and take ourselves less seriously. They listen and validate us when it’s serious and needs tender care. They feed and nurture us, both physically and spiritually, and carry our burdens with us. They honestly and quietly say, “Me too.”  They remind us we matter, no matter what. Their time and love proclaim, “Heavenly Father loves you.”

This trip with friends is a miracle to me. I lived in Vegas for 10 years, moved to Utah for three, then back to Vegas (same house, same ward, same everything) for more than 10 now.  After 20 years here, there are many dear, supportive friends who bless my life daily, including my sweet and funny sisters who both live here.  What’s amazing, also, is that during that short little blip in Utah, I met beautiful, loving sisters Heavenly Father knew I needed to meet. I worked in callings with women who helped and strengthened me, becoming cherished friends and wise counselors. I met an amazing sister who would later go through a divorce the same time I did, texting every day, sometimes every hour, holding my hand, so to speak, to get me through. These friends have been angels to me.

During the three years we lived in Utah, my husband left the church, and my life changed, and would keep changing, in ways I never imagined. God wasn’t surprised.  He’s never surprised.  He “knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.” He lovingly made all the plans, laid the groundwork, and blessed me with everything I’d need to get through the coming storms. He is my anchor, and He provided life preservers, as well.

As I sat in the temple, surrounded by these three, long-distance, treasured friends, I felt the love of my Father in Heaven surrounding me. Knowing and loving these ladies, when I needed it many years ago, and when I need it, right now, is a miracle to me—nothing less than a miracle—provided by a loving Father. How humbling. How beautiful.  How kind. He truly loves me! And I love Him.

“Because thy lovingkindess is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.” Psalm 63:3

“…Our time in the temple is crucial to our salvation and exaltation and to that of our families. 

“…Each one of us needs the ongoing spiritual strengthening and tutoring that is possible only in the house of the Lord.” Russell M. Nelson

From the beginning, men and women built temples to worship God.  “Temples are literally houses of the Lord. They are holy places of worship where the Lord may visit” (True to the Faith). While Jesus was on the earth, He came to the temple often and made it clear it was a sacred and holy place, which must be pure and clean. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the restored church of Jesus Christ, and temples are an integral part of our worship, as well. Within the temple, we receive ordinances and make covenants with God, which allow us to be with our families, both earthly and Heavenly, throughout eternity, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. After we receive ordinances for ourselves, we then do work, by proxy, for those who have died without the opportunity to have the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, offering them the choice to receive, if they desire.

“Consider the great mercy and fairness of God, who, before the foundation of the world, provided a way to give temple blessings to those who died without a knowledge of the gospel.” Russell M. Nelson

I grew up in Southern California, and the first temple I entered was the Los Angeles Temple.  As a youth, I did baptisms, and later I was married and sealed in that beautiful, sacred place. As a young bride, going through the temple, receiving ordinances and making new covenants, I was a little nervous. There was so much to take in, to hear and see and feel. Though I couldn’t possibly grasp most of what was presented that first time, I knew I was where I was supposed to be because of the powerful feeling of the Spirit throughout my time in the temple.  Pure love, safety, and joy enveloped me, and each tear was a drop of thanks for this precious blessing.

I wanted to return often, to remember what I’d heard and seen and let it become a part of me.  During the first years of my marriage, I drove from Camarillo to LA every week to attend the temple. It was all new and inspiring to me. I wanted to learn everything the Lord wanted to teach me, and I treasured that time each week: the drive, time to ponder, the peace and quiet and joy I felt there. I developed a love for, and testimony of, the temple.

“We all know there is no more peaceful place on this earth than in the temples of God. If you don’t have a temple recommend, qualify to get one. When you have a recommend, use it often. Schedule a regular time to be in the temple. Don’t let anyone or anything prevent you from being there.

“While you are in the temple, listen to the words of the ordinances, ponder them, pray about them, and seek to understand their meaning. The temple is one of the best places to come to understand the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Seek Him there.”

Richard G Scott

In the temple, more than anywhere else, I feel the truth that our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ, love us and want to bless us in every possible way, if only we will receive. Loving, merciful words are spoken and given to us as a gift from Them to get us through the challenges of this life. We are offered forgiveness, protection, and grace. Everywhere in the temple, there is love.

“The temple is also a place of refuge, thanksgiving, instruction, and understanding, ‘that [we] may be perfected … in all things pertaining to the kingdom of God on the earth.’ Throughout my life it has been a place of tranquility and peace in a world that is literally in commotion. It is wonderful to leave the cares of the world behind in that sacred setting.” Quintin L Cook

As a mother of young children, I couldn’t get to the temple as often as I wanted.  Though life was often overwhelming, I still made it a priority to be there when I could, influenced by the promises of the Lord, through our church leaders, that our family would be blessed by my attendance. I was always personally instantly blessed by my time in the temple, away from the cares and worry I constantly carried. I began imagining, as I approached the temple doors, removing my burdens from my shoulders and placing them right outside the doors.  I knew I would have to pick them back up again when I came out, but while inside, I felt free from those burdens for a little while.

“Sometimes you may feel that you cannot think clearly because your mind is so burdened with problems and the many things clamoring for attention.  In the temple, the dust of these distractions can settle, the fog and haze can lift, and you can understand things that you have not understood before.  You can find new ways to deal with the challenges you face.” True to the Faith

When my husband left the church, I was devastated and confused. I could not understand. I sought peace and light amid the terrible fear and darkness. During a Women’s conference I attended, the Lord led me to the scripture written for Emma, “Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou hast made.”  That answer became my lifeline and saving grace. My covenants. The temple.  Always there is a place where I am safe, cherished, grounded. A place where I feel whole. A place where the hugeness of the moment gives way to the scale and perspective of eternity. A place where I’m reminded that my experiences and mistakes are for my learning and there is forgiveness through my Savior. I love the temple.

“My dear brothers and sisters, the assaults of the adversary are increasing exponentially, in intensity and in variety. Our need to be in the temple on a regular basis has never been greater…

“I promise you that the Lord will bring the miracles He knows you need as you make sacrifices to serve and worship in His temples.” Russel M. Nelson

It’s been five weeks since I became an ordinance worker in the temple. When I’m there all day, each minute that passes, the world outside becomes smaller and less important, and my joy increases. I smile and feel like I’m spending the day in Heaven. Once again, my Savior has provided a tender mercy to get me through the rest of my week, the rest of my life. I know He’s near. I know the temple is His House and His Spirit is there, because I feel Him. I also see Him, as I recognize, more and more, His hand in all the details of my life.

“And inasmuch as my people build a house unto me in the name of the Lord, and do not suffer any unclean thing to come into it, that it be not defiled, my glory shall rest upon it; 

“Yea, and my presence shall be there, for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God.” Doctrine and Covenants 97:15-16

“Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God.

“…We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve.” President Russell M. Nelson

This week, I began a new adventure working in the temple. Since I first went to the temple to be sealed, I’ve loved serving in the temple, and wanted to be an ordinance worker when I grew up.  The days leading up to my first day, things were rough for me and I could feel the opposition. I recognized it easily and simply pressed on, thinking, “Good, that means I’m on the right path.” As soon as I walked through the temple doors, I felt the weight of my cares lifted, and a feeling of gratitude, for this opportunity, overwhelmed me. The longer I was in the temple, the more I realized the amazing blessing of having one day a week in The House of Lord, focusing on what matters most. When I was introduced as the new kid, I was asked, unexpectedly, to tell about myself.  They already knew I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My mind went completely blank; I had no idea what to say.  I sheepishly admitted that, and then honestly stated that I was just very happy to be in the temple with them that day, after which I rallied enough to share that I was the mother of seven and my youngest was 15 now, which allowed me more time to serve in the temple.  But I felt uncomfortable about that initial blank in my head as I thought about who I am now.

Of course, first and foremost, I’m a mom. That’s been the case for more than 30 years.  I identify with that part of myself easily and most often.  I’m also a gran (so fun!), a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that I have a purpose in life in addition to these familiar roles, and now that I’m no longer a wife. I’m trying to learn who Heavenly Father wants me to become in this stage of my life. Like a child, I’m trying out different avenues, talents, possibilities, and like a child, sometimes I’m excited, and other times I’m resistant and scared.

“Single adult sisters throughout the Church, I want you to know of my deep love and appreciation for you—for your goodness, for your faithfulness, for your desire to serve the Lord with all your heart…

“Always be improving yourself. Set personal achievement goals and stretch to accomplish them. Improve yourself physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually…Keep growing and learning and progressing and serving others.” President Ezra Taft Benson

I didn’t think I would journey through this stage of life as a single woman.  I may dance alone at my daughter’s wedding, but I’m still dancing. I’m determined to follow the straight course, even though occasionally I just sit down in the middle of the road and cry awhile. I always get back up. I’m truly thankful for so many strong and faithful women, both married and single, who are shining examples to me. Day by day, I’m finding my way, holding to the iron rod and trusting my testimony. As I search for direction amid the choices in my life now, and through change and uncertainty, my Anchor remains the same; I love and need my Savior every minute. Opportunities that draw me closer to Him are the only ones I’m interested in.

Several years after my husband chose to leave the church and his beliefs began to change, we had a painful discussion about the possibilities for us. He wanted me to be open to new beliefs, new ideas, new behaviors, outside the parameters of the church. Finally, I told him that I am one hundred percent dedicated to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and always will be.  I will keep my covenants. It’s not only what I believe, but who I am, and nothing will ever change that for me.

“It is common for us to pray for physical safety. However, I have come to pray even more fervently for the strength to live true to my covenants. This provides spiritual protection. Whether we live a long or short life upon this earth is of little consequence in the eternities. What really matters is how we live. Living the life of a covenant keeper is of highest value because keeping our covenants is the only way we can fulfill our eternal purpose.” Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

When I was 9 years old, a primary teacher began taking me to primary during the week. I loved it-especially the singing. My dad was a member of the church but hadn’t been involved in it since he was a boy, so church hadn’t been a part of our lives.  Soon the stake missionaries began teaching our family about the gospel.  During one discussion, one of the missionaries asked, “Who baptized Jesus?” Oh, I knew this! I had learned the Baptism song in primary and enthusiastically said, “Immersion!”  Well, the song says, “…and was baptized by immersion…”

After having the lessons, some time and repentance, and loving fellowship, my dad was able to baptize my mom, my older sister, and I. A year later our family was joyfully sealed in the Los Angeles temple. The change in our home was miraculous and beautiful.  We were closer and happier, and I loved everything I learned about my Savior and His church, restored in the Latter-Days by the prophet, Joseph Smith.  I’m eternally thankful for those stake missionaries, and I’ll never forget that amazing primary teacher who cared enough to pick me up in her blue VW bug every week.  Sadly, she died very young of cancer. Because of my experiences, and knowing what life with the gospel, and without it, looked like, I could never reject that precious gift or the loving Redeemer who makes it possible for me to be with my earthly family and my Heavenly family forever.

Although I have faith and hold to the truths I know, life mostly feels scary to me still and I am often overwhelmed.  A counselor asked me to tell her what I know for sure.  I replied, “I know that I am a daughter of God.” This knowledge has been reinforced over and over as I’ve felt the Holy Ghost witness to me that it’s true. We then discussed what else that means if I know that is true.

If I am a daughter of God, then…

I am loved;

Perfectly loved and cherished.

I am important;

I matter.

I am enough;

I don’t have to be perfect yet.

I am safe;  

He watches over me, stays with me.

This is who I am. This is what I know. Even with all my failings and quirks, I can explore the possibilities for my life now and in the future, with the guidance of the Spirit, and know that I am OK. I will always be safe because of the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:35, 38-39