I’ve been known to send my Christmas letter in Spring or Summer, so I suppose it’s fine to share my thoughts on 2020 in March.  It’s a win in my battle against perfectionism—yay me.

Looking back on the year gives us perspective and reminds us where we’ve had victories and losses and what we’ve learned from them.  Then we can go forward in faith, recognizing that we aren’t perfect yet, the world isn’t what we want it to be, and God is still good and glorious and full of grace.

I just read in my scriptures, “…to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.” (2 Nephi 9:39) It’s so easy to be “carnally-minded” and think about all the things that didn’t go well last year.  It does feel like death when I do that.  And I do.  Too much.  I get dragged down, just like Satan wants me to, by dwelling on the sad, difficult, downright rotten stuff that went on, and that is still going on, in the world, in our country, and in our neighborhoods and families.  When I let myself be carnally-minded, I don’t function well.  I don’t write or lift others or feel the Spirit the way I do when I remember and work at being spiritually-minded. Then I remember to rely on the arm of the Lord, to trust His plan, His strength, and His mercy, and let go of fear and discouragement.   

Near the end of 2020, I was feeling burdened and sad about my perceived lack of sacrifices and contributions for the Lord.  I had been going through a rough patch and struggling to get through each day.  I wasn’t doing much.  I spent a lot of time doing quiet activities at home, like puzzles, crocheting, and reading, trying to keep my anxiety and sadness under control. I was working with my counselor, attempting to understand and believe it was okay to be in a different place than I’ve been before, in regard to serving in the church, serving family, and serving others, in general.

I prayed about this, pondered it, asked the Lord to help me see myself as I really am now, and as He sees me.  He answered my prayer in His loving and merciful way by prompting me to look back at my calendar “list” of things I’ve done throughout the year. 

• The early part of the year, I walked beside my beloved mother as she prepared to be with God again. I spent my time mostly with her, taking care of her physical needs, visiting, doing some small projects together, and just quietly being there for her. I was holding her as she died peacefully, in my home. My sisters and I worked and cried together during this sad time. 

• In the spring, not long after Mom left us, I packed up our home of 25 years, and, with help from family and the Lord, moved my daughter, son, and I to a new home across town right when covid 19 shutdowns began. 

• During the shutdowns, I traveled to California to help my daughter as she courageously brought her fourth baby into the world, visited my kids in Utah, celebrating with my son at his new first home, arranged a gathering of a few dear friends, which gave us all a much-needed boost, and took my youngest kids with me for a wonderful, healing visit with my son and his sweet family in Portland.

• As summer crawled by, I spent dozens of hours on a video presentation of the lives of my Mom and Dad, feeling them close, and taking time to grieve.

• In the fall, I arranged a family gathering with all of my children, and their families, who hadn’t all been together in three years. Among joy, chaos, and hilarity, there were also tears at our private memorial for Mom and Dad, with grandchildren’s memories, the video presentation, and beautiful piano music from my son. 

• Throughout the year, I wrote 29 blog posts, sharing my testimony and hope, and helped my children through difficult health issues, trauma, disappointment and heartbreak simply by being there and loving them with all my aching heart.

As I read over the list, and revisited the meaningful events throughout 2020, I was taught and comforted by the Spirit.  Though I had struggled, needed down time, and felt unequal to many tasks, the year had still held achievements, sacrifices, and service for those I love. I’m thankful for a merciful Father who hears my prayers and gently helps me see through spiritual eyes.