“It is… through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means.” Bible Dictionary, Grace

I’ve been reminded many times this week of the feelings I had when becoming a mother for the first time. The utter joy of holding my precious baby close for the first time, my wonder at the miracle of it, and most specifically, my complete terror at the knowledge that I was responsible for the well-being—even survival—of this tiny, cherished human.  I questioned my own ability to handle it. At first, I was hypervigilant, listening to every breath, jumping at every cry. It’s an overwhelming feeling which takes faith and courage to face and even embrace. Those same feelings of fear and inadequacy have been swirling in my heart as I’ve been caring for my dear mother, who has become largely dependent on me to help her with all her needs. Through the grace of my Savior, as she has rapidly lost her strength, mine has increased to allow me to care for her and meet her needs.

“As time passes, the world grows more challenging, and our physical capacities slowly diminish with age. It is clear that we will need more than human strength. The Psalmist was right: ‘But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble.’” Henry B. Eyring

During challenges and trials, the outside world fades into the background, as what matters most comes sharply into focus. Our time and energy resources have to be carefully rationed. At times, especially in the quiet, darkness of night, it feels like everything depends on me, like I’m all alone, like I’m not enough for what is required of me. As I cry to my Heavenly Father, I’m immediately, lovingly reminded that I’m never alone. He’s there. I can trust Him. I can give it all to Him. During those dark moments, He also reminds me to let others help, as well.

“God knew the challenges [Adam and Eve] would face, and He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets (and later apostles) to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near.” Jeffrey R.  Holland

This week after an ER ordeal, where we gave up and came home, and an aborted trek to the oncologist, because mom couldn’t tolerate the pain of sitting up, Mom has chosen to forgo treatments and intervention and stay home with me, to be as comfortable as possible. With teamwork from family, friends, and home hospice care, we pray we can help her have peace.

I’ve felt very close to the Spirit during this time of sorrow and struggle. It‘s amazing to me that even during agonizing heartbreak, seeing her suffer, knowing she will leave us soon, there is also a sweet, deeply connecting sharing of our souls. There are precious moments of understanding, conversation, prayers together, and comforting each other.  There has been tremendously increased love, service, and healing in our family. Miracles have happened and joy has increased, despite the pain. Only God can make that happen. His plan isn’t always clear or easy, but it’s always loving. Many times we don’t see the beauty, the gifts, because we are consumed with the seeming injustice and agony of what we’re dealing with.  But it’s there. It’s not in vain, and it’s not unjust.  We become more one—more His—as we endure these battles together.

Jesus suffered everything. He made us His through that suffering. He became more one with His Father. We all became an eternal family through His pain and sacrifice, though we don’t fully understand it.  When our dear Savior was “sore amazed” at the intensity of the pain, and his soul was “exceedingly sorrowful unto death,” there “appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.”  I love that so much, and I wonder who was gifted that supreme calling to comfort our Lord and Redeemer in His hour of need.

“…I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

Besides the incomparable gift of the Comforter, and the knowledge of the eternal nature of life and families, I’ve also been blessed by the help of angels, both heavenly and earthly. We’ve had angels bringing flowers or homemade bread, driving far—leaving family—to be with us, mailing sweet, hand-written messages, praying for us, dropping everything to bring me something at the hospital, loading a truck with my DI, making a scripture quilt, dropping off medical supplies, giving my daughter rides, grocery shopping, and painting a picture.  I’ve had many texts with messages of love and encouragement and sharing of personal stories, and many willing to listen to my heartache. Next week we already have angels planning travels to visit and another bringing a meal. My heart, though taking a beating from the surprising and varied blows Mom endures each day, is swollen with joy and gratitude for the angels in my life who have appeared, strengthening me. Thank you. I love you.

“Heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind…

“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.” Jeffrey R. Holland