Everyone is waiting for something. 

Children can’t wait to be grown-ups (so they can do whatever they want).

Teenagers anxiously await driving, dating, and graduating.

Adults wait for jobs, houses, spouses, children, and financial security.

Working people wait for retirement (so they can do whatever they want).

Parents wait and hope for one good night’s sleep and a moment for themselves.

Grandparents longingly await a call, an email, or a visit from their children and loved ones.

We wait for change, and we wait for the change to be over.

We all wait, expecting our best-laid plans to come about.  

 Three years ago, my plans for the future, scenarios I had imagined and hoped for, basically imploded when my husband of 30 years announced he was leaving me to find happiness somewhere else.  I was 50 years old, had 2 children (12 and 17 years old) at home, my widowed mother living with me, 5 grown children, and 2 grandchildren.  My 17-year-old son moved in with his dad, whittling my household down to me, Mom, and my 12-year-old daughter.  I had been a busy wife and mother of 7 children for many years.  Now my large family home had three empty bedrooms, and the dining table that seated 9, had 3 places set for dinner. My heart grieved every empty chair. 

At first, my only job was to survive, one day, one hour, one breath at a time.  I relied on the tender mercies of the Lord, and He never failed me.  After a while, the waiting began.  Waiting to feel like me again.  Waiting to feel strong enough for whatever comes.  Waiting for my new purpose to present itself.  Waiting and wondering who I am now and what my future will look like. 

I determined not to simply wait around, but to “wait on the Lord.”  I put oil in my own lamp, one tiny drop at a time, and looked for small ways to bless others. I tried to be compassionate to myself when the only service I could muster, at times, was a smile or hug in the hallway at church. I prayed constantly, seeking to know which direction God wanted me to go.  Sometimes He seemed quiet, not answering, not showing me. At those times, I was impatient and pushed for answers. During my more humble moments, I felt Him gently admonishing me to wait and trust.  

In my waiting place, I read Wait and See by Wendy Pope.  The author refers to our waiting as “God’s pause.”  This really resonated with me. I had been looking at it all wrong, and trying, as always, to figure it all out, roll up my sleeves, and get to work on it.  But my loving Father in Heaven had a better, kinder plan.  He was letting me pause, wait, heal.  

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

This!  This was the reason for God’s pause in my life. I needed my strength renewed; I did feel weary.  I could even look forward to one day being able to soar! Instead of feeling frustrated and abandoned, I felt loved and nurtured.  I didn’t have to stress, worry, and obsessively map it all out myself. What an amazing blessing. He already has a plan for me and has perfectly prepared the way.

“For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him.” (Isaiah 64:4)

We are always somewhere on the waiting continuum.  In my current pause, it helps me to acknowledge, and be grateful for, many of the things I waited for earlier in my life, when babies, toddlers, and teenagers took 95% of my time and energy.  After years of waiting, I now enjoy:

• Time and quiet to rest when I’m tired
• Opportunities to spend time with friends
• More time to attend the temple
• Time to take care of myself
• Being a normal, healthy weight
• Quiet, unrushed study time every day
• My very own space in my house

I’m also truly thankful that, although I feel like I have so many unanswered questions about my life now and in the future, some direction has already been given, and pathways illuminated.  I’ve been led to doctors, counselors, friends, and books that have taught me and supported me in my journey.  I’m following a prompting to write and share my experiences and testimony of my Savior. Little by little, I’m trying to become who He wants me to be and finding peace in this process.

What if we could find joy in the pause—the waiting? What if we could embrace change and let go of the need for control and certainty?  What if we could fully trust God to finish all he has started in our lives and make all things work for our good?  What if we could hold on to the hope, despite all the hiccups in our own plans? Life would be infinitely sweeter.

“Our soul waiteth for the Lord: he is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in him, because we have trusted in his holy name. Let thy mercy, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hope in thee.” (Psalm 33:20-22)

It’s not easy to wait. I don’t always remember to be patient and appreciate the pauses, but when I’m my best self, I recognize waiting as a loving gift from God. He’s giving me this time to heal, stabilize, and discover my new normal.  He’s blessing me with a space to explore nature, enjoy friends and family, and grow spiritually. He’s helping me celebrate the fact that some of my waiting is already over. He’s leading me to the people and tools that are preparing me for all He has planned for me.  All I need to do is trust and wait on Him.