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All or Nothing

Mar 4, 2019 | Health, Religion | 4 comments

When I was in Jr. High, a mean girl made fun of my pants.  They were stretchy pants, similar to today’s yoga pants, but polyester (it was the 70’s, people), and evidently mock worthy. I had always been sensitive about being a little chubby (not sure why, because I was an average sized kid), but after the stretchy pants incident, I was devastated and more self-conscious about my body. When I look at pictures from high school, I’m surprised how thin I look. I was on the tennis team freshman year, and we worked out hard during practices.  At the time, I thought I was overweight.

Fortunately, I like working out.  Always have.  It feels great and makes my brain happier. Unfortunately, I also have some eating issues, like eating for comfort and bingeing. When I was a kid, we had snacks and goodies around, like Hostess Ding-Dongs or Twinkies, chips and dip, and crackers and cheese. There was always ice cream in the freezer, too, because Dad was a fan. I used to sneak food.  I wanted more. Once I got called out for eating a little bit off the top of the yogurt cups and smoothing it over to look like new.  (I guess that was before the peel-off plastic under the lid.) There was a jar on the upstairs hall counter where Dad dumped all his change. I raided that regularly for the ice cream truck.  My favorite was a snow cone. Mom and Dad both worked, so my older sister and I were home alone for a couple of hours after school, and longer in the summertime. I ate when I was lonely or sad or bored. I ate with friends–it was exciting to go to their houses and see what scrumptious stuff they had.  Every fun occasion included loads of food: parties, birthdays, church activities, holidays, vacations, and school events.

In that era, food awareness wasn’t front and center like it is now. We enjoyed French fries and shakes without trauma. (Ahhh, those were the days.) When I was old enough to drive and made my own money, I ate whatever I wanted and started bingeing occasionally.  I didn’t gain weight, because of a teenage metabolism and lots of activity, but I had shame about being secretive and not stopping when I knew I should.  As I studied health in high school and college, I learned more about eating disorders, and recognized some of those behaviors and thoughts in myself. Studying also caused me to start judging foods (and therefore myself) as “good” or “bad,” which increased my guilt and shame and unhealthy relationship with food.

Gradually, I developed the all-or-nothing mindset.  I had periods of time when I was “perfect” and ate healthy, worked out, and lost weight. I felt great about myself! Then I went on a trip, or a holiday came around, and I got off track, blew it, and went completely nuts, eating everything I had denied myself while being perfect, and abandoning all forms of exercise.  I had many “last suppers” and “starting over” Mondays. I gained and lost weight over and over, while gradually becoming heavier and heavier.  I let food choices and weight determine if I felt fabulous and strong or disgusting and weak.

I still struggle with this 30 years later. I spent one year eating strictly veggies, fruits, healthy fats, and whole grains, to overcome some health issues and lose excess weight. Currently, I am trying to relax the stringency of my eating, to enjoy some flexibility and freedom, while still staying on a healthy path. I am struggling with it! I find myself judging and doing the all-or-nothing mind game. If I go out for frozen yogurt with a friend, does that mean I ditch the gym and eat everything in sight for the rest of the day, week, or month (because starting over on Thursday, May 18th, is ridiculous)? What if, instead, I thoroughly enjoy an occasional treat, don’t judge myself or the food, and then eat well the rest of the day, and the next day, and the next. I’d never have to start over!

The all-or-nothing mindset oozes into other aspects of our lives.  Satan loves this mindset.  It works fabulously for him, because we can’t be perfect.  He will always win, eventually.  If I spend an hour mindlessly playing a game on my phone, when I promised myself I wouldn’t, does that mean I should just play the rest of the day and start over tomorrow, or Monday, or June 1st? If my goal is to exercise five days each week and I get to Thursday and have only done it once, should I forget it until Monday because I can’t reach my goal of five?  What about Thursday, Friday, and Saturday? Two, three, or four doesn’t meet the goal, but it’s better than one! If I can’t serve every single person who needs my help, should I give up and serve nobody?  All-or-nothing thinking defeats us.  Accepting that we are human, and imperfect, that we’ll mess up and let ourselves down and not reach every goal, helps us gradually improve, grow, and reach our potential. Remembering that Jesus makes it possible for us to become perfect, through His grace, gives us comfort when we fall short of our expectations and hopes for ourselves. 

Perhaps you’ve read the story of the young boy who enters a race.  His dad is there on the sidelines, to cheer him on. At the starting gate, the boy surges into the front, but loses his footing and falls.  He looks to the side and sees his dad, encouraging him to get up and get back in the race.  He leaps to his feet and runs for all he’s worth, soon stumbles again, and hits the ground hard.  By now the other runners have a significant lead, but his dad is on his feet yelling, “You can do it! Get up!” so he pulls himself up and gathers speed.  Once again, he trips and goes down.  He’s devastated.  He knows he’ll never catch up.  He turns his head and there’s his dad, smiling, jumping, cheering him on to finish the race.  With his head hanging, the boy slowly stands and starts walking.  As he does, the crowd begins to clap, stomp their feet, and shout that he can do it.  Smiling, he picks up his pace and holds his head up high as he crosses the finish line, with a roar from the whole crowd, and throws himself into the arms of his proud and loving father.  

We can be like this dad, encouraging and cheering on others when they lose their footing and, even more difficult, ourselves, when we stumble and fall. Because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can fall and get back up as many times as we need to.  Don’t give up. Press on. A winning race is run with steady and sustained progress, enduring to the end. We can be certain both the first and the last runner will be embraced at the finish line.

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the words of Christ, and endure to the end, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.” 2 Nephi 31:20

 

About Me

I’m Jen, mother of 7 amazing humans, Gran of 5 (so far), divorce survivor, homebody, health seeker, and devoted follower of Jesus. This is the place where I share how the hiccups and detours in the road of my life strengthen my hope in Christ.

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