“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

“For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.” Doctrine & Covenants 18:10–11

I’ve always been blessed with great eyesight, but in the last few years my near vision has drastically gone south. It’s frustrating! I’m learning to carry reading glasses with me, risking looking like the granny I am, as I pull them out to read the hymnbook at church or the labels in the grocery store. However, I can’t wear glasses while shaping my eyebrows, so I have to use a magnifying mirror.  This week as I took out the mirror and tried to tweeze those eyebrows, I found I couldn’t see well enough.  I realized the mirror was smudgy with fingerprints, so I cleaned it up and voilá, I could see my face, all up close and personal.  I instantly regretted it.  Nobody old enough for granny glasses should closely examine her face. It can only lead to sorrow. It reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite old movies, “What’s Up Doc?” In a crazy chase around San Francisco, Ryan, who’s driving, says, “I can’t see.” Barbara takes his glasses to clean them, and he says, “Now I really can’t see.” She hands them back, and seeing the chaos in front of him, he groans, “Oh gosh, I can see!” and flings them out the window. Sometimes we’re better off not seeing as clearly.

When I examine myself, my thoughts and actions, it’s like I use a magnifying mirror to view my faults. They show up huge and defined, while my finer characteristics blur and shrink into the background. Nobody knows our shortcomings and weaknesses better than we do (despite what our children may think). We know and, if you’re like me, grieve over them, dwell on them, and magnify them, to our own detriment. We might even feel guilty for the weakness of dwelling on our weaknesses!

In 2 Nephi, chapter four, I love to read Nephi’s poetic praises, along with his mournful thoughts, which echo mine.

“Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

“And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” 2 Nephi 4:17-19

I admit I feel better knowing Nephi struggled with this, too.  At least I’m in good company.  However, before and after admitting his grief for his sins, Nephi praises and trusts the goodness of the Lord.  Isn’t that the reason we have those weaknesses to begin with?  To teach us humility, and patience in learning and growing, to turn our groaning hearts to The One who can change us and heal us?

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27

I used to think this meant my weaknesses would all turn to strengths. That would be really nice.  Now I believe that, whether or not the weakness itself becomes a strength, I am made stronger because of the weakness and my struggle with it.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ changes me, not necessarily my weakness.

I feel like most of the things I’m working on are about balance.  Balancing is much harder than just getting down to work on the hard stuff.  Balancing requires patience and wisdom, both of which can be scarce at times. For example, as a mother, I need to give my children the freedom to choose and learn from their mistakes, but I must also be firm about not allowing certain things. It’s difficult to know where those lines are.  I find myself constantly tipping the scales one way, then scrambling to the other side, trying to find just the right balance. This is how it is with weaknesses.  Sometimes I get so discouraged about my weaknesses that I’m ready to give up.  Other times, I’m zealously determined to conquer this thing or die trying.  The scale endlessly teeters back and forth.  What I need, for balance, is patience and wisdom to recognize small advances, forgiveness for the setbacks, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and continuing reliance on the Savior’s grace for this process of refining.  

“Don’t listen to the voices in your head—that may have been there from your childhood—that tell you you can’t change, you aren’t good enough, and you will fail yet again. Listen only to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit and ‘the pleasing word of God … which healeth the wounded soul’ that confirm your infinite worth and God’s loving reassurance that you can do it.

“When you are exhausted with life and feeling like you cannot see any good coming from all your efforts to live righteously, don’t give up. Don’t compromise your dreams and goals. Increase your faith that it is always worth waiting for the Lord’s timing.”

Jennifer Kearon, Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults, May 8, 2018

Many years ago, a friend gave me a beautiful picture of Christ with these words written underneath:

If only you could see yourself as I see you, you would know your infinite worth.

She knew my struggle with the magnifying mirror.  I still have that loving gift by my bed and I still wrestle with this, but I have improved. 

We climb uphill most of the time, aware of the dramatic distance between where we are and the summit.  It helps to occasionally stop, breathe in the beauty of the moment, and gaze back to see clearly how far we’ve come. We do make progress, though nearly imperceptible at times. That’s okay. We’re not in a race, we’re not alone, and we’re going to make it.

“You are of unlimited, boundless, endless worth to your Father in Heaven, the One who knows you best, no matter what anyone else might think or say about you. Just let the beauty and stillness of that truth weigh on your soul for a moment. You are ‘precious in [His] sight.’

“When someone hurts you, or you experience a failure of some kind, come to where you are never rejected and never ridiculed. Your Father in Heaven loves you, whoever you are, whatever you are struggling with. You are enough. You are enough. He loves you just the way you are, right here, right now, in all your beautiful messiness. But He also loves you enough not to let you stay the way you are right here, right now. He has much bigger plans for you! You are ‘heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ,’ and so you must continue to learn to keep the commandments, make mistakes, grow, struggle, and change, until you reach your divine potential, refined and purified—and some eternal day perfected—through the grace of Christ.” Jennifer Kearon