“My dear sisters, your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes…It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.” Thomas S. Monson

It’s been a rough week.  Several weeks, actually. I’m struggling to find some light to share, but even as I take the step to open my computer and read the words of apostles and prophets and type some thoughts, I feel the Savior’s love and encouragement.

I’ve previously shared some things that help me press on here.  Today I just want to feel hope and comfort and in some small way share it with anyone else who may be hurting. Life can feel so isolated and lonely at times, but we are not alone. It can feel scary and dark, but the Light of the World is nearby, and He understands.

“The Book of Mormon teaches that ‘He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.’

“He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us.” Dallin H. Oaks

For 30 years, I’ve suffered with varying levels of depression and anxiety.  I was blindsided by these feelings during my first pregnancy. My mom said to me one day, “You’ve wanted a baby more than anything, why aren’t you happy?”  I replied that I didn’t know and then cried my head off.  After my baby was born, amid the joy at having this sweet angel in my life, I was also flooded with anxiety. The responsibility overwhelmed and terrified me.

In the many years, and many ups and downs, since then, I’ve studied about mental health conditions, gone to counseling, worked on changing eating and health habits and practicing self-care, received Priesthood blessings, and clung to my testimony and the Word of God, seeking relief.  For me, medication didn’t feel like the answer, although I know it makes a huge difference for some. I believe the answers are varied for each person and each ailment.

“When the Apostle Paul sought to be healed from the ‘thorn in the flesh’ that buffeted him, the Lord declined to heal him. Paul later wrote that the Lord explained, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Paul obediently responded that he would ‘rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me … for when I am weak, then am I strong.’

“Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” Dallin H Oaks

My depression has gone through cycles, always intensified by pregnancy and stress.  After the birth of one of my children, I couldn’t emotionally feel anything but sorrow and fear. I wondered if I ever would again.  It’s incredibly hard on family members, as well, which adds to the feelings of sadness and despair. Often, they don’t understand, get upset, and want to get away from the “little black raincloud” in their home. Once I was told, “You’re not very fun to be around.” Yes, I knew that.  Even I didn’t want to be around me. It was hard to believe anyone could love me. 

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely. 

“He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.

“What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.”

Dieter F. Uctdorf

Remembering that Heavenly Father loves me, that Jesus loves me enough to suffer all this along with me, I hold on, keep breathing, and stay close to the Lord, hoping, always hoping, it will get better.  Maybe not great, but better. Bearable. Thankfully, during the worst times, I had a sweet, soft, snuggly baby to hold, which brought me great comfort. Knowing my other little children needed me to give all I could, helped me force myself to do what had to be done.  I was blessed that way.  I understand some cannot, and my own experiences bless me with so much compassion for them.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” Orson F. Whitney

After that especially difficult time, I was better able to understand opposition. Without the darkness, the light of joy I felt unexpectedly one day, wouldn’t be as bright.  The difference was dramatic. I was in awe, clinging to those precious moments of joy, knowing they were a gift from a loving Father in Heaven. Until those moments come, it’s hard to be patient, to remember what it feels like, to believe it will get better, but we can, because of our Savior.   

“Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to ‘stand still’ or ‘be still’—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.

“Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are ‘like a broken vessel,’ as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind.” Jeffrey R. Holland

I’ve been blessed by hearing and reading the stories of pain and hope shared by others who bravely carry on in their struggle.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints offers support and resources here for the increasing number of people struggling with mental health challenges.

 “Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” Jeffrey R. Holland