“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

Letting go is a recurring theme in my journey of health and happiness.  I check in with myself when I’m struggling or anxious and find out what I’m trying to hold that needs to go. Like change, letting go is a constant throughout our lives.  Unfortunately it’s not my strong suit.  Actually, I’m really good at letting go of “stuff.”  I can fill the trunk of my car with donations to the thrift store every single week, but when it comes to relationships and emotional letting go, I struggle.  I want to hold on tightly, even though it hurts, because it also hurts to let go.

After my divorce, I studied and searched for ways to heal and move ahead in my life.  One course I took had a section on “letting go.”  The rest of the work for the course was difficult, requiring introspection and journaling, revisiting painful subjects, but I did all that work steadily until I came to that section. Screeching halt. I was stuck.  I married my husband in a temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, where I believe marriages are sealed for eternity, if we keep our covenants. The scriptures tell us, as husband and wife, to cleave to one another and become one.  If we’re sealed, and become one, when we divorce, we sever off part of ourselves.  I couldn’t figure out how to let go of that part of myself.

I also struggled with an enormous feeling of failure. When a marriage ends, there is shared responsibility. No matter who did what, the family is shattered.  Everyone hurts. The effects are heart-wrenching and long-reaching; I agonized over the impact on my children and their children, down through the generations.   As the mom, I’d always taken care of the kids, shared their sorrows, and mended their wounds. I wanted desperately to fix all that was wrong, protect them from the hurt, but I was forced to accept my powerlessness. It wasn’t my job to fix the situation or heal their pain. I had to trust the Savior, the Great Physician, to do that. I had to accept His Grace was enough. Relying on that, I learned how to be a support on the sidelines, carrying their burdens with them, not for them, and allowing them to do the same for me.

“When tragedies overtake us, when life hurts so much we can’t breathe, when we’ve taken a beating like the man on the road to Jericho and been left for dead, Jesus comes along and pours oil into our wounds, lifts us tenderly up, takes us to an inn, looks after us. To those of us in grief, He says, ‘I will … ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, … that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.’ Christ heals wounds.”  Sharon Eubank

Letting go is arduous and ongoing. For some reason, I keep picking up the things I’ve preciously let go. Worry changes nothing. Holding onto guilt changes nothing. Feeling responsible for circumstances or others’ actions changes nothing. It’s all unproductive, energy consuming, and detrimental to my peace of mind.  When my concerns about one of my children, myself, my mom, anyone I love, overwhelm me with fear, I remind myself, over and over, I can trust the Lord; His Grace is sufficient. No matter what happens, He has it covered.  I won’t be alone, they won’t be alone, it will be okay.  It has taken me many years to understand that letting go is a matter of releasing the illusion of control and wholeheartedly relinquishing my will, regardless of the outcome, to the loving omnipotence of my Heavenly Father, trusting He will make it all good.

“How many of us, at times, try to resolve life’s challenges ourselves, without seeking the intervention of the Lord in our lives? We try to carry the burden alone…

“I bear witness that if we will seek the grace of God, He will come to our aid and the aid of our loved ones in times of need. Let us obey the Lord in all things and offer to Him the ultimate sacrifice of ‘a broken heart and a contrite spirit.’” Gene R. Cook

The following words are the result of that exercise on letting go, which I was finally able to work through.

I’m letting go of my belief that I can fix anything or anyone.  I’m freeing myself of the burden by giving it all to Jesus.  I trust Him.  Nothing is unfixable to Him.  I’m letting go, thankful that I’m not in charge of saving myself or anyone else.  I’m letting go of my belief that I can control anything except my own choices and actions, and willingly, happily, give all the rest to my Savior.  I’m humbled and grateful to know that He holds everyone and everything in His loving and capable hands. I know He walks beside me as I make mistakes, learn, and grow.  I don’t have to be perfect yet. 

I’m letting go—freeing myself to bravely embrace a life led by the Spirit and full of hope and joy because of my Heavenly Father’s plan and my Savior’s atonement. 

I’m letting go and accepting Grace.