“Forgiveness is the very reason God sent His Son, so let us rejoice in His offering to heal us all… If you are having trouble forgiving another person or even yourself, ask God to help you. Forgiveness is a glorious, healing principle.” Kevin R. Duncan

Pain—both physical and emotional—is part of our human experience and one of our greatest teachers. Life is a learn-by-experience venture. We know all about opposition, but we’d rather forgo pain and just have pleasure. Pure love, the greatest joy we can experience, comes with the risk—certainty, really—of pain. This is especially evident in families.  Spouses, our sweethearts, confidants, and partners, hold in their hands our trusting hearts, which are easily wounded by thoughtless or selfish words and actions. Mothers experience the sweetest joy and the deepest pain because of their love for their children.  Children are vulnerable to the hurt caused by their parents, who, try though they might to be perfect, fail and wound their fragile sons and daughters. Siblings, who know our weaknesses and tender spots, also wield a great deal of power to hurt  us.  In all loving relationships, the possibility (and probability) of pain is a reality. We continually need healing from the hurtful acts of others. We can learn how to heal, forgive, and become better for the experience, or we can stay stuck, hold grudges, and blame, locking ourselves in a painful prison without parole.

I recognize there are many degrees of harm.  Severe trauma and abuse, especially of innocent children, are so tragic and painful that healing and forgiveness may require professional help and may be a lifelong process.  We mourn for them and pray for them, remembering that Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” He loves them. He sees them. No child is outside His reach.

We’re aware that none of us is perfect, yet often we struggle to forgive the imperfect behavior of those we love, because of the pain it has caused us. We were never promised a perfect childhood, perfect parents, perfect siblings, or a perfect spouse.  In fact, I’m certain the family members we have are specifically chosen by a loving and wise Heavenly Father to provide us with opportunities for growth.  Sometimes we feel indignant that we got that insensitive spouse, those ridiculously strict parents, mutinously stubborn kids, or selfish, smelly siblings. Don’t we secretly think we deserve better and, because of this, blame others for our current problems and pain? Certainly, some of our problems do stem from our childhood and our flawed family members, but growing (and growing up!) requires accepting responsibility for our own troubles, seeking help for needed healing, and offering mercy to those who let us down. 

“This is not to say that forgiveness is easy…It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.” David E. Sorensen

I struggle with forgiving myself for the pain I’ve caused others. It’s a challenge to remember that I’m not required to be perfect right now and that to our Father in Heaven, I’m still a child, too, learning by my mistakes. I want to be forgiven, especially by my children. The knowledge that I’ve hurt them in many ways, though I try, try, try to be a good mom, is a weight on my heart.  My continual prayer is that Jesus will make them whole, healing their pain and blessing it for their good. He promises to do that.

Though there will always be much to forgive, parents often get a bad rap, now more than ever. There’s a whole lot of blaming going on. The majority of parents, who have their own pain to work through, love their children and do their best for them. Let’s remember the tender snuggles, the mended owies, the hands held, the sweet, soft cheeks kissed, and the nightmares comforted. Let’s appreciate the meals prepared, the money earned, the rides provided, and the holidays and birthdays made special. Let’s be thankful for the lessons taught, the scriptures read, and the Priesthood blessings given. We don’t even know the tears shed, the floors paced, the nights without sleep, and the prayers petitioned by loving parents just doing the best they can.

With the help of the Savior, we can love imperfect parents, children, siblings, spouses, and friends. We can forgive them. I’ve found peace from letting go of old hurts and appreciating the good in my wonderful, beautiful, crazy family members. Sometimes complete forgiveness takes many years, but I’ve also felt the miracle of an instantly changed heart. As I uncover injuries and pain in my healing journey, I seek the Lord’s help to understand how it’s affected me, learn a better way, and forgive myself and others, through my Savior’s mercy and grace.  I forgive—and hope to be forgiven. 

 “Forgiveness provides release—a doorway out for the injured. It doesn’t mean excusing or condoning the act; it means leaving judgment to the Lord. When we forgive, the Savior relieves us of our burden through His Atonement. He can replace despair with peace and heal us completely.” Barbara A. Lewis, Feb. 2019 Ensign